Buzzard Buccaneer Radio
by General Rage
Summary: Boz the Buzzard hosts this pirate radio station, beaming out music to the Normandy, Fallen Serpent, Crusty Chorka and Ascendant Justice non-stop. BBR has only one mission, to keep Rock n Roll alive in the dark void of outer space. A companion story to "Remnants" that shows what happens while Shepard is off playing hero. Part of the Wormhole Chronicles Saga.
1. Prologue

Buzzard Buccaneer Radio

Prologue - Promotion

Boz was sitting at his work station in communications, feeling a bit tired. The past couple of days had taken a bit of a toll. If you didn't count everything that had happened concerning that crazy ring world, you had that business with the carrier and everything that went down with on the Hollow. Boz knew it was only a matter of time before something else equally as insane happened. It came with the job description, being a space pirate and all wasn't a career for people who preferred stagnation. However, when he anticipated adventure, he had not anticipated all this crap. Hell, he never expected to be working with humans or a bunch of weird aliens from another universe.

Boz was a kig-yar, a race of bird-like creatures from the planet Eayn. He hadn't seen said planet in years though, not after taking up a commission with the infamous _Fallen Serpent_. Captained by the fabled son of the great pirate Fleetmaster, Dread Feather, the _Serpent_ was a highly specialized Corvette. Upgraded with better weapons, shields and even a cloak, it was a match for any Battlecruiser twice it's size. It wasn't invincible, but the past few days had shown it could take a beating.

Boz had seen quite a bit of action over his time aboard the ship. Given all the adventures and scrapes they had been in though, this latest one was the most unusual. They had torn up their contract with the loathsome Covenant after they had betrayed the conditions Shipmaster Zek had agreed on. Then, after escaping the fleet that had held them hostage for so long, they turned right around and made an alliance with a group of humans. Among them and their regular batch of Marines, was a man the Covenant called the "False Shepherd." His real name was Commander Shepard though he actually had a more diverse crew of aliens with him, all from another dimension beyond a wormhole.

Crazy stuff to be sure, but while pirate life was never boring it could be exhausting. Communications had been a hotbed of activity over the past couple of days. Boz had barely gotten any sleep keeping up with everything. He couldn't drink any Ichor either, that made him even more sleepy. Not being able to get drunk on top of being tired was torture in itself.

One thing kept him going though, a small gift that had been procured from Commander Shepard's ship, music. But these weren't just any of the ordinary sea songs and popular tracks within Covie space, which were mostly religious in nature, so yeah, pretty garbage. No, this was human music, from a long by-gone era and it was as intoxicating and wonderous as any bottle of Ichor. He had several songs playing on loop over his personal computer, grateful that Retz, the ship's second-in-command, had seen fit to pass out some data disks containing the full playlist of songs he had taken from Commander Shepard's ship, the _Normandy._

As he heard a new song come on, he recognized the tune as one of his favorites and instantly turned up the volume. It was by some old human band with a strange name that denoted an electrical charge. They were loud, rowdy, hard and heavy. They, like many songs on this playlist, spoke of freedom and chaos. This song in particular seemed to speak of the pirate lifestyle explicitly.

 **Shoot to Thrill, play to kill**

 **Too many women with too many pills**

 **Shoot to Thrill, play to kill**

 **I got my gun at the ready gonna fire at will**

Sex, drugs, violence, the life of a pirate, of adventure in general. Whatever could be said about humans, Boz couldn't deny on thing. If their music was any indication, they valued the spirit of freedom most true kig-yar desired. The intoxicating sound of the song overcame him eventually, he couldn't help but dance a little in his chair and hummed along with the lyrics aloud. However, it didn't last, as he suddenly heard another voice from behind.

"Not interrupting am I?"

Boz turned about and saw First Mate Retz staring coyly at him. He quickly turned the music down and sat at attention, smoothing his messy crimson and black quills back on his head. He cleared his throat slightly before speaking.

"Sir, apologies," he said aloud. "I was just... well, it's a good song. I wasn't neglecting anything, I'm still interfacing chatter and all that."

"Relax, Boz," Retz told him plainly, still with a coy look on his face. "You're not in trouble at all. In fact, this is partially why Zek sent me down here to see you. Would you come with me for a moment? Don't worry, I'll have someone take your place for now."

Boz wasn't sure what was going on, but he just shrugged. When Retz told you to do something it was as good as Zek telling you to do it. So, he got up from his seat and began to follow Retz down the corridors of the _Serpent_. There were a few workers, mostly unggoy, already painting over the purple walls, as per Zek's orders.

"I can tell things are becoming a little stale down in communications for you," Retz noted as they walked.

"I wouldn't say stale, just a bit routine," Boz corrected. "Monitoring transmissions is important, but I was just filling the position until something else opened up."

"I suppose that's why you took on other responsibilities," Retz surmised rather succinctly. "I hope you realize how much the men appreciate your attempts to make their lives a little more bearable out here. Morale is important for any ship."

Retz was speaking of course of his unofficial status as a morale officer. He kept ordering special holo programs and music off the underground galactic network. More accurately he had helped Retz set up a supply line for luxury items. Wasn't easy, and it took a while to get any of the real good stuff, but they built up a steady stream of merchandise for the crew. It was what made parties aboard the _Serpent_ as good as they were.

"Just doing my part," Boz insisted.

"How would you like to play a bigger part?" Retz asked with a sly grin.

"I'm not sure I follow, sir," Boz replied, a bit confused.

Retz stopped in front of a large door, which Boz remembered was a spare storage room they had barely used. Retz then turned to Boz, a grin still on his face.

"As you know, we've already installed the new speaker system across the ship," Retz informed him. "Zek wants it to blast our tunes for the crew as it were. However, we're also trying to be more open in our lines of communication. Things on the Hollow have made it painfully clear that the humans want us to be more open with them. We feel there is a way to do both."

Retz pressed a switch on the door and let the room open wide. Within the room there were no boxes or supply items, but instead a newly installed console with a headset, microphone and brand new chair. It wasn't just any console though, the switches, buttons and read outs suggested it was something else. It was a specialized transmission console and giving it a cursory glance, Boz realized it was hooked up directly to the ship's speaker systems.

Boz walked up to it, sliding his hands across it, his eyes wide with interest. He turned to Retz, still wondering what exactly this was. Retz seemed to read his mind and answered for him.

"It's your station, Boz, your new comm-link transmission station," he told him. "From here, you can beam transmissions to the rest of our little fleet. All secure channels of course, should be undetectable by the Covenant. But the _Normandy_ the UNSC's soldiers? They can hear you just as clear as any of our boys can, provided they're tuned to the right frequency."

"I don't understand," Boz said, baffled but slightly amazed. "You're... you're making a disk jockey?"

"Think of it as becoming an official morale officer," Retz explained. "You can keep everyone informed about what is happening aboard the _Serpent_ and the other ships. It will give you the opportunity to be our voice to the humans and Shepard's people. Show them what kig-yar are truly like. There's even a comm-link line we set up for you."

Retz pointed to a box like device on the dashboard with several buttons and holographic voice display.

"With any luck, it will improve relations, giving anyone the chance to call you directly," Retz elaborated. "You'd essentially be our line to the rest of the fleet. A sort of goodwill ambassador over the radio in a sense."

Boz scratched his head a little.

"This is how we're going to open up lines of communication?" He asked. "A radio station? Seem a bit odd."

"A pirate radio station," Retz corrected. "And it's more than just that. It's our way of giving them a peak into our lives. They want us to be more open, less isolated, more involved and not on our own. We need to show them we're part of the team, at least in the sense we have a mutual interest in working with one another. Hell, I bet playing their music to them will at the very least show them we are not like the Covenant, that we value parts of human culture."

When he put it like that, Boz could see the appeal, but he still wasn't sure.

"It seems like a big responsibility," he stated. "I mean, morale officer? Goodwill Ambassador for the _Serpent_? It's a big step."

"Indeed, it is," Retz concurred. "But it's your chance to be your own boss. You'd have fully authority over the direction of the broadcast. Play whatever you want, talk about whatever you want. You wouldn't be doing grunt work in communications anymore, you'd be running your own operation aboard the ship. An important operation if it pans out."

Boz hesitated for a moment. It all sounded too good to pass up. He'd get to listen to music all day, express himself to the rest of the fleet. He wouldn't be stuck listening to mindless chatter all day and, best of all, he could be doing what he had been doing for awhile now in bringing entertainment to the rest of the ship. Hell, he'd be bringing it to everyone. It just sounded like a lot of responsibility to he really up for that? Being the voice of the _Fallen Serpent_? Representing the kig-yar on the airwaves? Was he worthy of that? Sensing his hesitation, Retz put a hand on his shoulder.

"Believe me when I tell you this, Boz," he said. "You need to seize opportunities when they arise. Your passion for music is clear to me. It has been for a long time. Now you have a chance to share that passion with others. Can you really pass that up?"

Boz thought it over, he did have a passion for it. Music was liberating, transcendent. It spoke to emotions, recounted lost stories, lifted you to higher plains and brought you to far off lands. Ever since he was a fledgling, he listened in rapt attention to the old sea shanties that spoke of adventure and freedom. He saw so much of that in the songs the humans had created. The songs were new to him, but to them they were old. Perhaps some of them had even forgotten their meaning. He could show them a lost part of their culture as he helped the crew rediscover theirs. All through these songs and hymns from a distant planet. Yes, he could be the voice of the kig-yar, he could make the humans understand them.

"Alright, you've made your case, sir," Boz stated firmly.

"Good," Retz nodded. "So, what do you want to do?"

Boz just smiled wide, a lyric from another human song entering his head instantly.

"I want to rock."


	2. On The Air

Legend:

Normal Text - Boz

 _Italics - Caller_

 **Bold - Promo, Song, Segment**

 **Transcript Excerpt One: On the Air**

 **(Song: Turn up the Radio - Autograph)**

I know how they feel people, I need the music too and we got plenty more to share. Welcome back dear listeners, you are tuned into the very first broadcast of BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio. The Premiere Kig-yar Pirate Radio Station and when we say Pirate we do mean literally! This is Boz the Buzzard coming to you live from the _Fallen Serpent_ , home of the best damn crew this side of the Milky Way Galaxy! We got tunes no one in Covenant Controlled space would dare be caught listening to because it comes straight from the human homeworld itself. They might be abominations, but they know good rock!

Now before we get back to the music, I'm aware of some new arrivals we picked up back on the Hollow. You know, before things got all crazy there? So anyway, I figured it's time to fill you newbies in on some things. One, yes we're working with humans. Be nice to them, you have them to thank for the music after all. I know they're a bit surly and pissed off all the time, but you'd probably feel the same in their position. It's been a rough time for all of us, trust us on that. I'm sure you've heard about how we barely survived escaping the Covenant and some nasty looking critters called the Flood. Trust me, count yourself lucky for not being with us back then. You just avoided all the real fucked up stuff.

Two, you've probably seen a few strange alien species walking around. Well they're friends too, more or less. The four-eyed crinkly fellas are called batarians. They're rough around the edges, but they're good people, honest. Share your Ichor with them, trust me, they need it. They're new at this Pirate gig after all, the only way they're going to loosen up is by chugging a few. There's an assortment of different looking aliens, they all hail from a ship called the _Normandy_ which is, get this, Captained by a Human Shipmaster with a mixed crew of humans AND other alien species. Turns out that's normal where they come from. Same place as the batarians actually, a whole other dimension! Crazy, huh?

But really, they're totally cool, honest. Although, I've been told by First Mate Retz to make something clear. Um, here's the note. Ahem; "Stay away from the blue skinned tentacle haired one. She's wants to kill you, bad." Well, sound advice from the First Mate, give her a wide berth people. You know what they say about females with issues, not worth the mating dance.

Anyway, I wanna know more about your opinions of our new friends. Lets go to the comms and find out. We got a lit-up board for this so plenty of variety. Chat line one, you are squawking to the buzzard, what you got for me?

 _Yeah, I got no problem with humans really. I think they got a raw deal. I mean, the Covenant didn't even give them a chance to surrender or nothing. Now they're all worried about being wiped out, I get it. I don't get why they gotta hate on me though. Not like I wanted to be stuck shooting at them for several years. Very little profit in going to warzones and shit, ya know?_

Well unless you're running guns of course. We were mostly running FROM guns though, distinct difference.

 _Point is, I'd appreciate it if they stopped looking at me like I'm diseased or something. I don't smell that bad. I take baths... occasionally. I mean, what do they want from us? If they could just explain that, we'd be able to come to an agreement of some kind. Most of them are horny males right? I got a ton of porn stashed away, you'd think they'd be interested in that?_

I doubt it, I don't think they're into our women all that much. Or just quills and scales in general.

 _Well they just got weird tastes than._

Okay, next call-in. Line two, you're on the air with Boz. What do you got to say about the humans?

 _That maybe they should drop the tough guy act and stop being so damn ungrateful. I mean, we got them off that ringworld free of charge and bought them a shitload of guns on the Hollow. They're still mad! For the love of fuck, it's like they always got a complaint! I'm starting to think they'll never be satisfied._

Let's be fair here a bit, we did probably kill a few of their buddies before we teamed up.

 _So what? I had a ton of friends they shot the fuck up. Nature of the job, man. Now they keep bitching about whatever just happens to piss them the fuck off for whatever dumb reason! I always got the impression humans understood good business strategy. Instead they're just being dicks._

I'm sensing an abnormal amount of anger here at the moment. Any reason why?

 _I'm in engineering! They're sitting on a pile of Huragok! They won't give us one! You know how much fucking time I could save not having to clean out the fucking power coils regularly if I had just one of those squids? It's fucking infuriating!_

I hear you on that at least, friend. I wouldn't mind a Huragok in here myself. A few extra tentacles would really make this job a hell of a lot easier. Specifically with skipping around audio files. Not to mention audio glitch checks. I know, it sounds like a little bit of a waste of their abilities, but give me a break here. We kinda set this thing up haphazard, I'm still tweaking it a little. Also, I'm a little lazy, I'm not too proud to admit that. Okay, next line, you are with Boz, what do you think of humans?

 _They're a blight and are probably getting what they deserve._

Huh, you don't sound very kig-yar, sir. If you don't mind me saying I hope.

 _I'm not kig-yar, I'm batarian. I'm a Private in what was formerly the Swords of Khar'Shan Black Ops Unit Expeditionary Force. Now I'm not sure what I am. I know I'm not a friend to these human bastards though. Don't care what anyone says._

Well, Private, that's a very interesting viewpoint you have there. Would you mind sharing more about why you feel the way you do?

 _Because they are thieves, plain and simple. They bulldozed through the galaxy like a plague, stealing planets that were rightfully ours. We were the only ones who dared stand up to their unjust expansion and when everyone else turned a blind eye, we struck. Our conviction was rewarded with more isolation and condemnation. Our homeworld has lost valuable resources, stolen from us by humanity. That is why they are a blight._

Well that may be true back home in your universe, Private, but these humans haven't done anything to you.

 _They are the same. They expanded unchecked through this galaxy, taking planet after planet in a mad dash to satisfy their hunger. Sprouting like weeds across this galaxy. With no one to check their growth they soon encountered a threat they were unable to match on the battlefield and have paid dearly for it. Their own greed is their downfall. They are no different than the humans back home._

I suppose I can understand your viewpoint, somewhat. Let's be fair though, Private, even if you're right, the Covenant aren't exactly any better. Hell, take it from a guy who was stuck working for them for years, they're way worse than anything the humans could be.

 _No man in this unit will deny that, I assure you. The Covenant are a corrupt, despicable society and they must be stopped. Our leader, Lieutenant Commander Varvok, knows this better than most. They are the true enemy, we will not dispute that. And we will serve alongside the humans to expedite their downfall. That does not change what they are though. In this universe or any other, humans are a blight._

Okay, well, heh, I appreciate your honesty, Private. Freedom of Speech is the right of all sapient species in my book and I won't fault you for expressing it. I will suggest you try and calm yourself a little though. The situation is what it is, no sense in bitching about it I think. We're stuck together, we might as well learn to live with one another. Anyway, we got one more incoming on the next line. Hey there, you're live with Boz. What's are your thoughts?

 _I say the humans are alright in my book. So long as they keep letting you play these sweet tunes of theirs, they can look at me funny all they want! They'll come around sooner or later, the sticks in their asses can't be that far up if they made this good shit!_

Well at least that's something that unites us, good taste in music.

 _Play us something else, Boz! Rock this boat all day and all night!_

How can I resist a request like that? Alright, let's take a break from ship politics and get back to what we're really here for! And in the spirit of unity, I think this next song speaks to all of us no matter the color of our blood. A lot of people have been after us lately, Covies, ugly parasitic monsters, other pirates, but none of them have managed to kill us yet! They can't take this fleet down, dear listeners, simple as that! We're like Rock n' Roll itself, unkillable! So I bring you another hit from the hard rocking band of "Twisted Sister" to celebrate that! This is, "You Can't Stop Rock n' Roll!"

 **[Song: You Can't Stop Rock n' Roll]**

You are listening to Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, Space Pirate Rock for all your plundering needs. I'm Boz the Buzzard and if you're just tuning in, welcome back to our very first broadcast. We've been beaming out a steady stream of the greatest tunes in the galaxy, all thanks to a generous donation from our human friends. Well, I say donation, but reality is First Mate Retz kinda sorta stole it from their computers. But since we're technically playing it back to them across our shared comm-system, I prefer to think of it as sharing the wealth. That might sound a little socialist to some, but sometimes that philosophy has some merit. At least when everyone profits. Anyway, we got a few more calls in during our song break. So let's get to them shall we? Line one, you are on the air with Boz the Buzzard. You got a request?

 _Can you get your fucking bird asses as far away from us as fucking possible? That would be nice._

Well holy shit everyone, I do believe we have our very first human comm. call! Break out the ichor! This is history in the making! Sound Effect of a Triumphant Horn I gotta be honest, I was expecting way more anger when this happened. What's your name, friend?

 _Dickman, Corporal Dickman of the Orbital Drop Shock Troopers._

How unfortunate for you.

 _Fuck off, bird. Seriously, fuck off. No one wants you and your four-eyed friends around us. You're nothing but trouble._

I wouldn't say that, we got you a nice ship to cruise around in. Hell, we got you two. I think that at least affords us a little bit of a thumbs up now and then. It's not much to ask.

 _What about the fact one of your pirate friends tried to fucking grease us? This Snarlfreak guy._

Snarlbeak, and he's not really our friend. Friends don't usually try to collect on bounties of other friends. It's like a rule, one of the few we have.

 _Whatever, but now he's chasing after us because you brought us to that fucking moon. And why? So you could fix your shit up and grab a bunch more of your fellow turkeys to help you out? You're all fixing to stab us in the back, admit it._

I personally don't see any profit in that honestly. Stabbing you guys in the back? I mean, who would fly the Carrier? That and we know how you guys work. You've been killing kig-yar for how long? Plus you got the big armored guys. We'd be dead in minutes! No offense fellow crew of _Serpent_ but I've heard stories of them Spartans. They are... well, specialized in kig-yar stomping. Or anything not human to be frank.

 _We wouldn't need them to kill every last one of you fuckers if you tried anything._

Well, see, there is my point. Turning on you would be suicide. I can swear to you right now, sir. If there is anyone who does not want a conflict with you humans, it's Zek. He loves the fact you're killing Covies, he's all for it. Hates their guts. We may not want to fight your war, but we're happy to give you a ride back to it.

 _We didn't need your fucking ride. Silva had a damn good plan already, Holland just got chicken and fucked it all up._ _We all would've been heroes and we wouldn't be stuck with you assholes._

Well that's one alternate history of a sort. Few problems though. One, from my understanding the ship your Silva friend wanted to jack was loaded to the gills with Flood. You know, parasitic little monsters, wanted to eat your soul and wear your body as a suit? Not sure it was such a good idea to try and nab a ship crawling with those things. Two, consider that the other alternative was staying on that ring until it fucking blew up, I think you were all rather fortunate that a bunch of no-good pirates were around to offer a third option. Pirates, mind you, that aren't fans of the Covenant either. And three, and this is unrelated somewhat, you do realize this broadcast is going out live to the whole fleet right? Is it really a good idea to bad mouth your Superior Officer over the line?

 _I don't give a fuck if that Army piece of shit hears! He's the reason Silva is dead and that bitch traitor McKay is in charge! The fuck is he going to do worse than he's done already? Silva was a real soldier, he knew how to get shit done! If everyone had trusted him more we'd all have been heroes! Instead we're stuck with your fucking pirates in the ass-end of nowhere! So I... hey, what's going on? Hey! Get off! Quit-_

Corporal Dickman? Hello? Come on, tell us how you REALLY feel? Inquiring minds want to know.

 _Apologies, Private Dickman cannot come to the line right now. He's going to be busy cleaning rifles, laundry, toilets and basically playing house maid to the Army Barracks section of the ship for however long Colonel Holland decides. Speaking of, the Colonel firmly suggests that if anyone else wants to call up this station to give Boz shit, that they do their best to keep any insubordinate thoughts to themselves. Army Sergeant Barnet, out._

Well what do you know, folks? The system works. Ah well, I'm going to miss him, he was fun. Few diatribes can reach those kinds of rage levels. It's like an art form. Alright, next call. You are on the air with us, friend. Share your thoughts if you must. With any luck you could be even more entertaining than our last guy.

 _Uh, yeah, I'm not really interested in doing that. My name is Corporal Locklear and I don't actually want to fight or anything. I was kinda hoping I'd be first, you know?_

Well, life is full of disappointments, Mr. Locklear. Ask my parents, they'll say I'm one of them. HA! Anyway, what's your reason for calling in today?

 _Just curious, I guess. I mean, most of the time Covies are trying to kill me or my buddies. I've never actually shared a fleet with a bunch of them before._

New experience for everyone involved I'm sure. But we're not Covenant, Corporal. We're space pirates. We're far less pretentious and condescending.

 _Alright, fair enough. I guess I'm just trying to process all this like everyone else is doing right now. I mean, I've had to kill Jackals plenty of times. The fact I'm talking to one, even now, is a bit strange. I just want to know more is all. What's your deal? Who are you guys? I think that's really what everyone is really asking themselves to be honest._

So you wanna hear our story then? Alright, Locklear, that seems reasonable. Gather round the radio friends, we got ourselves a tale. Here's how it goes. A long time ago, before any of us were even so much as an egg, the kig-yar people were an adventurous, thrill-seeking species. We went out in search of fortune and glory, so naturally we all gravitated to the pirate life a little. That vocation is all about those two things. Things were pretty good for a while. Then the Covenant showed up. We fought them for a bit of course, but, well, war ain't exactly fun. Even less so when it's taking a strain on your profits. So we struck a deal. The Covenant could hire us out as mercs, assassins, saboteurs, you name it. In return they don't kill us and we join their little empire. Pretty much the only way we could prevent ourselves from getting wiped out really.

 _They never gave us that option._

It's a mystery to everyone why they didn't. Personally, I always thought it was a waste. Why kill potential customers? At least find out if they have anything worth trading. Now I know you do, entertainment.

 _Yeah about that, why do you like this rock music so much? I mean, don't you have any of your own songs to play?_

Oh we do, Corporal, but not a lot of them are recorded. When the Covenant swooped in a lot of our culture got up-ended by their desire for law and order. Things that used to be a lot easier to do in the Golden Age became a hell of a lot harder to come by. We had to do a lot of our usual money making activities in secret. Which is sorta fun since it's a little more dangerous, but it's a pain in the ass to get simple commodities regardless. Alcohol, drugs, porn, unauthorized works of literature, blasphemous forms of entertainment, seditious songs, all banned. Unless a vid, book or piece of music was approved by the Covenant Leading Council it was illegal.

 _What gets this stuff on the banned list?_

Anything that doesn't hold up the glories of the Forerunners and the righteousness of the Covenant cause. Every piece of entertainment must speak to that, making everything on the holoscreen a sanitized piece of regurgitated propaganda. Any music that glorifies the pirate life is banned. We still have songs, but they're mostly orally transmitted now. Your music though, at least this particular genre, is all about the way kig-yar should live. Loud, uncompromising and free. Most importantly free.

 _So it's about rebellion to you? Just without the whole fighting to take down the Covenant thing as I understand._

We'll still help you stick it to them, Locklear. We just have to come to a reasonable price.

 _Well I'm at least sorry that your way of life got steam rolled. Must have been suffocating working for the Covies for so long. To be honest though, you kinda got off easy. They're not glassing your entire species after all._

It's all about perspective, Corporal. What way would you prefer to die? Slow, bleeding out and shackled? Or fighting to the last as a plasma beam scorches the Earth around you in an instant? Ask any pirate and they'd prefer the quicker way, especially those aboard the _Fallen Serpent_ , we know the outcome of making bad deals better than anyone. The Covenant's promises aren't worth the shit they write them with. Trust me, Locklear, you're better off spitting in their eyes as you die, at least that way you take all the fuckers with you that you can manage.

 _Jesus. That's... well, intense. You guys all really believe that? Better to go down in a blaze of glory and all that?_

I know Zek now does at the very least. When a deal ain't worth taking, you make your own. Every kig-yar has to decide for themselves how they want to die though. So I admit I can't speak for everyone, but I know I ain't going back to serving a bunch of asshole longnecked dipsticks. But you didn't answer my question, which way would you prefer to go?

 _I haven't really thought of it, honestly. I most just keep hoping I make it out of this, that we all do. That we get back to Earth, we win this war and I retire my commission. Maybe find a nice girl, settle down some place warm and tropical._

A good plan, I like it, but you always need to plan for the worst too.

 _Well, I guess I'd at least want to go out on my own terms then. Not someone else's. At the very least, I'd want to make sure those Covies didn't get to have fun taking me down. I'd make'em pay as long as possible, for every planet they've glassed._

That's the spirit, Corporal. There's probably more pirate in you than you give yourself credit for.

 _I'm not entirely sure how to take that, but, thanks. I guess._

For what it's worth though, I do hope you make it, Locklear. You and your friends. Would be pretty crappy to have your saved your asses from an exploding ring world only for you to die on the trip back to the dirtball you call home. Not a very good story to be honest. So, while you're still on the line, you got a request? You can be the first human to make a song suggestion on BBR at least.

 _Huh, I'm not exactly very knowledgeable about old bands from the twentieth. I guess, maybe something pirate related if you got it? I mean, seems only right given what you guys are._

Oh I got just the thing, Corporal. I just discovered these guys in the files and have been waiting for an excuse to break them out. There are many human rock bands who capture the spirit of the kig-yar, but so far this is the only one that dares embrace our profession themselves. This is "Alestorm" with "Black Sails at Midnight" only on BBR! Buzzard Buccaneer Radio!

 **[Song: Black Sails at Midnight]**

That was "Alestorm", a pirate rock band through and through. Expect to hear more from them in due time. Now let's switch gears a little here and talk about more personal matters. We were at the Hollow recently and after what happened back there we probably won't be headed back anytime soon. But it was nice shore leave while it lasted. So how was everyone's experience there, despite the whole shooting thing that happened later. I'm sure you all had your own little adventures while we were docked. Ah, we got a call on the line already. You are buzzing the buzzard, what happened to you on the Hollow?

 _I got a brand new customized casing for my Needler. Looks like one of our skulls now, it's badass. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to make this baby look cool for once._

I do admit that is an awesome idea for a custom job. I know the sangheili would've given you shit for it though.

 _Fuck those warrior cult bitches. They don't know jackshit about nothing, especially guns. Just cause they're eight-foot tall they think that makes them intimidating? Fuck that. I've seen them without their armor, bud. They look like skinny bald bitches. All those fancy helmets and crap, it's all a damn act. Compensating to make themselves look tougher when they're not._

I see. Well far be it for me to defend those pricks, but in regards to "compensation," how exactly is the skull needler different from sangheili armor?

 _Because it looks fucking rad, that's why! It's way cooler than anything those dipshits wear on their heads! I don't need all those fucking horns and crowns and crap! I got a skull gun! That makes me way more badass than any of them!_

Well I hope it makes you happy at least, that has to count for something right? I'm thinking someone might be looking long and hard into a mirror tonight folks. Oh well, next line, you're on the air with Boz.

 _Custom skins for guns are cool, but they're just for show. You wanna personalize something of yours? Make it practical I say. No one gives a fuck what color your plasma pistol is, especially if you're melting their eyeballs off. I spent my money on something that's actually useful, a Needler Rifle barrel grip._

Ah, you're a marksman I take it.

 _Yeah, was down in the docks when that shit with Zhoc started. That fight proved how badly we need good snipers. Took out two at long range easy thanks to the increased stability. Didn't even have to wait for detonation, they went down with a clean shot. Beat my personal distance record on that shit._

I thought half the fun of using a Needler Rifle was watching your target explode into a pink mist through the scope.

 _Oh it is, trust me. When we were taking the Carrier, I landed three clean shots on this sangheili officer's arm. Blew the limb clean off and scorched his pretty blue armor. Dumb motherfucker went down screaming. It's always a gas to watch them turn into a cloud, but there's just something special about watching a single shard hit them between the eyes and then watch them go limp. That's when you know you're on another level._

You really do love your job don't you?

 _Damn straight I do. I'm a professional. I've heard those humans talk shit about us as snipers, but I'm gonna show them we're the opposite. We're their equals on this field._

It's good to have goals. Please tell me you at least haven't named your gun.

 _Oh please, that's stupid and childish. I just sleep with it, keeps me warm._

Hope it gives you sweet dreams then, bud. Okay, let's see if our next caller can change things up a bit. Third line, talk to me, and please tell me you did more than buy some guns on the Hollow.

 _I had way more important things to do. I hadn't had a decent meal since we joined the Covenant and who knew how long it would be till we got back to the Hollow. Soon as we landed I headed for the nearest diner on the docks and ordered me up a big old sandwich. Just loaded with the best meat. I mean, real fresh, smoked and seared to perfection. I tell ya, Boz, it was like paradise. Fuck the Great Journey, that sandwich was salvation on this plane of existence!_

Well praise be to the sandwich lords! The only Gods that matter a damn! Anything to wash it down with?

 _Only the best Southern Continent Spiced Ichor Rum around! Seriously, I am going to miss that diner. It had everything._

Hey, who knows, maybe when this whole mess is cleaned up we can go back there one day and check it out. Maybe you can even order me one of these sandwiches.

 _Yeah, that's not happening. I kinda saw it get blown up during the fighting with Snarlbeak's boys. I think I was literally their last customer. I left them a real big tip though, and I never do that so maybe that will comfort them at least._

Well, that's a shame. A true horrible casualty of a Pirate Gang War indeed. Alright, let's hope the next call isn't so depressing. Line four, regale us with your Hollow story.

 _I don't have one, I'm basically just calling to let you know you stole my damn music._

Uh, who is this?

 _Jeff Moreau, also known as Joker, pilot of the freakin' Normandy! The best damn ship in the galaxy! Your boss, Retz, stole your current playlist from my ship's computers along with a ton of old vids! Now you're blasting them all around the ship non-stop!_

To be fair, sir, it's not really stealing if you still have the original copies. Also, I'm confused as to why you're upset about this. For one, it's thanks to you this crew has been provided with countless hours of entertainment. I'd think you'd be overjoyed to hear we love your taste in music so much.

 _It's the fact you guys took it without permission that pisses me off. Hell, I technically should be the badass Pirate DJ here. It's my music after all!_

I don't have an entire ship to fly, friend. I think your hands are a little bit full for the moment.

 _I should at least get residuals. Some kind of compensation. You wouldn't have this job if it weren't for me storing all that stuff on the main computer. When am I going to get my cheque for your broadcast's mere existence?_

That is severely above my paygrade, sir. Currently, the _Fallen Serpent_ itself is somewhat low on funds. We spent most of it just upgrading and fixing our ship as well as getting you guys some extra supplies. Also, I'm not entirely sure credit chips will do you much good. You're probably going to have to ask for some other form of barter. You could always work for extra food like the unggoy do.

 _Do I look like I'm in need of handouts here? Look, point is, you owe me for this, alright? Shepard might be cool with this whole Pirate Radio thing, but I swear, you better be ready to write a big IOU for me. You hear that, Buzzard? You can squawk my sweet music to everyone in this fleet, but I'm getting something out of it in return for all those "hours of entertainment" I provided you. Just you wa-_

It seems we just lost Mr. Moreau, how sad. Mellow out, buddy. All that stress cannot be good for your health. Which as I understand is not exactly great, brittle body and all that. I kid though, I truly do thank him for all this great music he has unwittingly provided us. It's almost as if we were destined to cross paths in fact. Do me a favor dear listeners, thank Mr. Moreau in some small fashion. Perhaps he would appreciate some Ichor. It would probably help him relax a little with any luck. Now then, let's get back to the music we "borrowed" from the _Normandy's_ pilot. Some of our angrier calls have inspired me, so let's play to that. This is "Megadeth" with "Angry Again", only on BBR.

 **[Song: Angry Again]**

Okay music fans, time to take a short break. We got a special request from Shipmaster Zek himself. As a number of you are aware, our Captain has taken a shine to a lot of the vids humanity has to offer. When he's not on the bridge doing his job, he's watching something that was filmed by human hands. He wants to share some of his thoughts on these movies and since he signs my paychecks I can't exactly tell him no. Not that I really want to, these vids are awesome in all honesty. So, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio is proud to present "Zek's Reviews" for your listening pleasure. He's pre-recorded these for me to play, so let's get to it. Today, the Shipmaster would like to share with you a tale about an oceanside town, a trio of sea faring heroes and one very nasty fish.

 **Okay, is this thing on? Good, okay, you all know we got a ton of cool vids from the** _ **Normandy**_ **, I'm basically here to tell you which ones are worth your time cause there are a lot of them. But mostly I just want to share my thoughts because I can, because I'm the captain of this tub and everyone has to listen to me anyway. Ha, ha! Anyway, this first installment is actually a story you should find very familiar. Your parents probably told you one like it when you were still a fledgling. It's got high seas drama, pulse-pounding action and a insidious sea-monster of the worst kind. This is "Jaws."**

 **Here's the set-up, there's this beach town called Amity Island, okay? Basically a tourist trap, thrives during a hot season called summer, specifically around this date of the year. Fourth of July it's called. I looked it up, apparently red, white and blue play a big role in it for some reason. Anyway, the town has this new sheriff and when the vid opens he discovers that there's been an attack by this freaky fish monster known as a shark. They're like Razorfins, but smaller and only one mouth. Trust me, they're still scary, the first scene in the show where you watch this poor woman screaming as it drags her under was horrifying.**

 **Anyway, this Sheriff Brody guy finds said woman's body on the beach and decides he's gotta close the beach off to prevent other people from getting turning into fish food. Problem is the mayor of the island won't let him because he doesn't want to damage the tourist trade and lose money. All well and good, I can totally sympathize, but uh, you know what would make you lose a lot of money? People getting eaten alive on your damn beach! I mean, I get you don't wanna lose money on your big day of the year and all, but shit man. Consider long term! You think anyone is gonna come back next year if they watch their kiddies getting gulped down by a friggin monster? I don't think so. Bad business sense there.**

 **See, this is why we don't have any official organized government people. Brody wouldn't have been cockblocked by the mayor and been able to put up all the signs he wanted. But because he gets blocked by bureaucracy everyone goes in the water and a kid gets chomped. Like, literally ripped apart, blood in the water and everything. It's kinda fucked up. I mean, if he had at least known the fucking shark was there he would've at least been able to make an informed decision about whether or not he should swim. But nope, eaten alive cause one dipshit can't take a fucking minor hit in revenue to save more cash down the line.**

 **Well that shit won't stand of course and a reward is put out to kill this fish in hopes of saving the summer. It whips every monster hunter on the island into a frenzy. There's even a pair of total amateurs who try fishing with a hunk of meat tied to a chain attached to a dock. Almost gets them killed, woulda served them right. But there's at least one decent fisherman on the island, a real hardass to be sure. His name is Captain Quint and he's pretty much the real hero of this story. How he shows up is real sweet. He scratches on this here board, shuts everyone up and basically lays it out on the line. He's the best fucking fisherman on this island and he's gonna catch this fish, but he wants a hell of a lot of money for it and rightfully so. You want to solve a problem right, you pay for the fucking best I say.**

 **Course, Brody ain't sitting on the sidelines either. He calls in another guy, Hooper, who's basically a shark expert and knows everything about this animal. He's a little bit of a smug asshole, but he knows his shit. He's smarter than the mayor at least, knowing better than to assume that the pack of amateurs somehow managed to kill the exact shark they're after. And he's right, their real prey is out there and still prowling for swimmers.**

 **Finally, the mayor cracks and Brody basically forces him to pay Quint to kill the shark. Brody might be a lawman, but he at least knows not to fuck around when shit needs doing. Course, he's got a flaw like any good hero, yeah he's afraid of the water. I can't really blame him, I mean, considering what's in it in this vid. But he needs to face that fear if he's gonna protect his town, so he heads out to sea with Quint and Hooper to kill this whopper.**

 **At this point the vid kicks into high gear with the most epic and deadliest fishing trip you've ever seen. All the clashing of egos and personalities you run into on these types of voyages, but just played so well and so perfectly captured. They're all real people, trapped on this cruddy boat, hunting a flesh hungry monster from the deep.**

 **More importantly, you totally get where they're all coming from and their interactions and clashes feel real. Brody just wants this to be over with so he can go back to land knowing the beach is safe. Hooper clearly is in awe of their quarry, as he's studied these animals and respects their power. Quint though, he's got two things on his mind, money and payback. He doesn't just want to earn a living on this, he's got some personal stakes involved, rivaled only really by Brody to be honest. It drives him to some pretty crazy extremes, but as a fellow sailor myself I totally understand them all. You can't play soft with these types of sea critters and Quint knows it.**

 **But why? What's Quint's deal with these sharks? With this shark? Well, later in the vid he finally lays it on the line. He was on this ship in the military way back, called the Indianapolis or something. They were on some secret mission and because of that when they got torpedoed by the enemy and sank, no distress signal had been sent. So they sat in the water for days, being picked off one by one by sharks of all sizes. Quint basically watched a bunch of his friends die right in front him and they way they tell the story in the film, holy crap. It's like something out of an old horror story you heard about in whispers. I checked this with Commander Shepard by the way, and this story of this ship is actually true! It really happened! No joke, the Indianapolis was a real ship! That just makes the backstory even better. Hell, can you imagine being alone in the water with Razorfins all around ya? Just wondering when they're going to decide to eat you for lunch? Seriously, you need to see this vid for this scene alone. It's that good.**

 **But I haven't even gotten to the shark yet. It might be smaller than a razorfin, but it's just as dangerous and cunning. This thing is an absolute beast. It stalks our heroes, forces them to keep thinking on their toes. Bit by bit it breaks their ship down, making things even more desperate. They don't really show the shark much, but that just makes it even more horrific, like some hungry unseen spectre of the deep. Hell, it's even got it's own theme music! Anything with it's own damn theme music has to be badass! Wish I had my own theme music actually. Then no one would want to mess with me.**

 **It all eventually comes to a head in a final showdown, which I won't spoil for those who have not seen this film. Suffice it to say, Quint succeeds in one area at least, forcing Hooper and Brody to face terror in the eye and conquer it. It's hard to believe any pirate could root for a lawman, but you will be rooting for Brody by the end of this. Trust me on that. All in all, I give "Jaws" a highly recommended seal of approval. See this vid! It will remind you of every classic sea legend you heard as a kid. It's almost like the guys who made it were spying on us or something. That's it for this first installment, but trust me, I got way more thoughts to share on the vids I've seen. And you can only hear them here, on BBR.**

Thanks for the plug boss. Hopefully everyone does indeed check out "Jaws" next chance they get. Anyway, we got another call on the line, let's see who it is this time. Hey there, you're on the air with Boz the Buzzard. Who is this?

 _My name is Sergeant Avery Johnson and I got a bone to pick with you bird._

Um, okay. What's your problem, Sergeant?

 _This is a rock station, right? When you gonna get to the real hard stuff already?_

Hey wait a second there, sir. For one, this is a pretty big playlist Mr. Moreau compiled here. I'm working through it best I can. I'm barely even a quarter way through. Besides, I think I've been playing some good tunes.

 _Good maybe, but not great. You're seriously letting me down here, Buzzard. Big time._

Now hold on-

 _No, you hold on. I've been keeping the spirit of classic rock alive despite these chuckleheads in this here brigade's severe lack of respect for it. I've been fighting this war for a hell lot longer than most and killed me plenty of Covie bastards. Quite a few of them looked like you guys. But I'm willing to put that behind me somewhat because you seem to respect the classics. For that I applaud you. But dammit, do not make me regret that praise, boy! You need to start bringing out the heavy guns on these airwaves and fast! Don't give me none of that softcore regular radio play junk on this line. I wanna rock, and I'm gonna get it. Do not make me come over there personally to set you straight. You do not want that. Now if you got Black Sabbath on there, I suggest you key up "Symptom of the Universe" soon. Johnson, over and out._

Shit. Well, sir, yes sir, Sergeant Johnson. It's a little more violent than I wanted, but as a direct request from a human who clearly loves his rock, I can't exactly say no. Especially when I'm afraid he's gonna show up late at night at the foot of my bed with a crazed look in his eye. Okay, Black Sabbath, this one's for you Sergeant Johnson, as well as all our new strange friends. This is going to be an interesting voyage, I think we can all agree on that at least. Hopefully I can make it a little more bearable. This is "Symptom of the Universe," only on BBR.

 **[Song: Symptom of the Universe]**

-End of Transcript Excerpt-

Analysis: Boz the Buzzard is amiable, charismatic and exceedingly friendly regardless of, at times, hostile responses. It is possible he believes this alliance can work in the long term, to what extent I am unsure. He does not hold animosity for humans, however, at least not overtly. His only motive thus far is to "spread the rock", as it were.

Considering the insight into kig-yar (ie. Jackal) culture, behavior and lifestyle, as well as the state/frame of mind of the crew of the _Fallen Serpent_ , I have decided to monitor the station more carefully. I have requested the aid of Professor Mordin Solus to provide further insight when avaliable in these reports. His background in alien cultural studies would be invaluable in better understanding the kig-yar as a species. This better understanding as a result of this unique situation could further help our forces in the field to combat the members of the species who are still hostile to us. I will keep detailed records on all subsequent broadcasts of BBR for this reason and report my findings on a regular basis.

-Signed

Lieutenant Elias Haverson,

Office of Naval Intelligence.

* * *

AN: This is a little bit of extra story added onto the main plot. If you want to know what's going on behind the scenes of the various chapters to come, this is your place to go. Check back for regular updates, usually after the next chapter in Remnants is posted to avoid too many spoilers. I hope you all enjoy the bit of extra story that comes with these short narratives. And if it gives you a little bit of a chuckle, then I've done my job.


	3. Radio Raiders

**Transcript Excerpt Two: Radio Raiders**

 **We rocked a fucking ringworld to death, (Explosion Sound Effect) now we're doing it to the whole damn galaxy! (Guitar Sting) This is Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, the official home of Fortune, Glory and Rock N' Roll!**

 **[Song: Breaking the Law]**

Judas Priest, with what we do every fucking blessed day, "Breaking the Law!" And man are we ever today! Our little assault on the Iruiru Armory Plant is underway right now and we are fucking massacring those eight-foot bitches. I know this broadcast is scrambled so those fuckers can't pick it up for security reasons, but I really hope they're somehow receiving this. How's it feel to get your ass owned by humans and a bunch of stinking space pirates you warrior cult shits? Bet it fucking stings hard! HA HA! Dammit listeners, it feels good to be back in the game, doesn't it? Oh, shit, we got a call all of a sudden. Let's see who is is. You're on with Boz, what's happening?

 _Yeah this is Keth, long range unit, I'm in the thick of it right fucking now! One second... (Weapons Fire) Yeah! Fucking eat it you Covenant fucks! I gotta tell ya, Boz, it feels so good to be killing these sangheili bitches and taking their shit! I'm gonna get me one of their plasma rifles as a trophy! Motherfuckers got it coming after what they did to our boys on that stupid ringworld! Oh shit, got some other bastard who wants to be a fucking hero! You wanna go to paradise? I'll fucking send you there bitches! (Weapons Fire) HA HA! His head just got lit the fuck up! We got this shit by the ass people! Waste them all! No fucking survivors! (Cheers in background)_

Keep up the good work, Keth. You are a model employee of this enterprise. We're going to keep broadcasting the raid until we got this shit locked down or we're blown the fuck up! I wouldn't worry about the latter though, we're too damn hardcore to die! And just for Keth, here's a song to go along with his little battlecry. Megadeth, "Take No Prisoners!"

 **[Song: Take No Prisoners]**

 **You're listening to BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio. Take What you Can, Give NOTHING Back!**

 **[Song: Seek & Destroy]**

"Seek & Destroy" by the band Metallica, love these guys, they just had raw power in every note of their sound. Sorry to interrupt the tunes again, but I've just gotten reports that, yes, the security ships are dead and burning in the void. They got nothing left to defend themselves now, boys. The cargo is as good as ours. Way to go, Retz, you killed those fuckers real good. Now just so everyone else knows what else is going on, we got some reports coming in off the channels from all points of the attack. The ODSTs have the communications on lockdown, so no one is going to go crying to mommy anytime soon. Drop Troopers can get it done, guess they aren't all talk after all. Not to say our four-eyed buddies are slacking off, we got one of them on the line right now. Sergeant Revtok, you're on the air. How's it down the shaft?

 _At this point it's just mop up, the Covenant have a few remaining stragglers around but they'll be irrelevant soon enough. You can expect a fireworks show shortly. Going to look really pretty too, heh._

I trust everything went well then?

 _Few hiccups, but nothing we couldn't handle. I have to admit, I was skeptical at first about the Normandy's crew members going in with us, but they actually pulled their weight. That krogan was half the reason we got this far. He's a monster, sure, but he's on our side so I guess that's a good thing for once. Saw him practically cave a sangheili's head in with his foot when he jumped from the shuttle on insertion. He calls it a krogan airdrop! I've always known those reptiles were insane, but I didn't realize they were also effective._

Hey, a few unorthodox tactics go a long way, believe me.

 _Still a tough fight. We weren't expecting the bugs to be here. One nearly tore through my face mask. I was just lucky the bayonet on my shotgun was tough enough to pierce his exoskeleton. That gave him something to chew on, literally. Good news, I'm not dead. Bad news, I'm going to be showering for the next two days. I'm covered in fucking bug brains!_

Yeah, those insects are assholes that's for sure. It does sound like a grueling fight though, glad you made it out okay.

 _There wasn't any doubt, we're batarian. The Covenant have just learned why that's reason enough to fear us. Lieutenant Commander Varvok will lead us to total victory! No matter the cost, Khar'shan shall be free! Revtok, over and out._

Well he sure sounds fired up. Nothing like a little raiding to get the blood pumping I say. Well, looks like us kig-yar got to pick up the pace now. We got some cargo to secure, people, let's wrap this up fast. Here's something to motivate you all a little. Alestorm, "No Quarter!" Give the same to the Covenant's flunkies, boys!

 **[Song: No Quarter]**

 **Pillaging, Plundering, Pilfering, all this and Ichor too. Ain't no Life like the Pirate Life. Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, Yo Ho Motherfuckers.**

 **[Song: Wild Side]**

Is... is this confirmed? ... Is he serious? ... Yeah, I know it's Zek, but still. Oh shit, we're back. That was Motley Crue, "Wild Side." Sorry if I seem a bit flustered, but, this is incredible listeners. Shipmaster Zek is currently in space. I mean, literally, he is currently walking around on the back of the second cargo ship still in dock. This comes straight from Retz and while we all know him for stretching the truth a lot, he's not kidding here. Zek is walking around in a vacuum and killing hostiles in a spacesuit. Holy fuck people, talk about modernizing a classic. I'm honestly wondering if he used a damn rope or something to swing over to it. Well, if it works, who cares if it's a oldie. Retro-boarding action for the space age, never a boring day in this fleet. Thankfully we got some eyes on this shit. We have a direct line from another of our batarian friends who is heading into the fray right now to assist our Shipmaster. Corporal, what you got?

 _Yeah, this is Corporal Kakanagoh, and I'm in a Phantom right now screaming towards the cargo ship. I got Zek in my scope and he's really taking the fight to the enemy hard. He's got some others with him, Normandy crew most likely._

How are they doing?

 _Hard to tell, they're getting a lot of fire. Shit, we're getting close. We're going in hot. Pilot is heating up the forward guns on this craft. (Sounding of gun cocking) Switching to shredder rounds, this is going to be tight. (Plasma Fire) We're raking them now! Gotta go, shit is hitting the fan hard!_

Thanks for the update, Corporal. We appreciate the eyes. Board has just lit up, we got a lot of calls, let's go through them quick.

 _Zek's the fucking bird! I mean THE fucking bird! I knew the son of Dread Feather would be just as crazy cunning as he was! He is getting shit done old school! I'm glad I joined up with this crew when I did more than ever!_

Stick around you might see a lot more crazy from him in due time. Next line.

 _No need to be freaking the fuck out here. Zek's faced way worse than this. It's why he's Shipmaster. He knows what he's doing, even if it seems like it's nuts. He's got this shit, don't worry about it._

Well he did take on a bunch of undead monsters head on so you might have a point there. Next line.

 _Zek's a shipmaster who gets his hands dirty, like any true pirate. If the humans don't respect him after this, they're idiots. That ship's as good as ours. You just wait. Fuck, he probably just brought some of those Normandy guys along to show off to them. Kick that ship's ass, Zek! Bring home the spoils!_

Hopefully we get a decent payday from all this. Next line.

 _None of you morons got roped into sleeping with that idiot. This is so typically him, jumping out airlocks onto ships like he's back in ancient times. Ocean's depths, he's a fucking dumbass._

Ah, Ms. Taq, I was wondering when you'd call.

 _Look, I get it. He's your boss, you have to kiss his ass, but I'm his Ex. I know more about that fucking lowlife than any of you drunken half-wits do. That gives me special insight and privilege into the asshole's life and trust me, it ain't worth all the fucking praise you're doling out right now. He's being a reckless imbecile and if his suit punctures it's his own fucking fault._

Um, well, everyone's entitled to their opinion I suppose, heh.

 _Oh and Boz, you're doing a good job with this radio thing. It's good to see you exploring another race's culture like you are. Very educational, respectable even. I hope you keep at it, you seem born to this sort of work._

Why, thank you Ms. Taq. That's mighty appreciated of you. I didn't expect that kind of praise just now.

 _Just because I hate your boss, doesn't mean I hate you guys. Just offering a different perspective. Thank you for the moment of your time._

The pleasure was all ours, and I hope your next call has less anger laden ranting against the guy who signs my paychecks. Could make things problematic. Anyway, I'm not too worried myself about Zek. Yes, everything about Taq said is arguably true, but, hey, he's survived this long so he has to be doing something right. That and if he does have _Normandy_ crewmates backing him up, well, this fight is pretty much his. This would be a cakewalk if he had one of those Spartan guys with him, but they got another mission from what I understand. Top secret though, no one told us anything about the specifics. And they complain about us keeping secrets, am I right? ... Oh Retz has just sent something down the wire. Anyone near an observation deck facing starboard better hurry and look out the window. There's going to be a pretty awesome sight in about five seconds. One guess what it is. Nevermind, you probably already know the answer. Hell, I'm getting a feed of it now. The batarians have detonated the mining asteroid. That shit is space dust! Try and make guns out of that shit now, Covies! Also, I'm being told to patch us into a wide band signal. Doing it now.

 _To all points, this is Shipmaster Zek. The second Cargo ship is ours! Every stinking crate full of guns, gun parts or otherwise, is now ours! It's all ours!_

Hell yeah! You hear that galaxy? The _Fallen Serpent_ is fucking back! This raid is a success! Party down in the main mess for sure tonight! I also extend a hearty congratulations to everyone who made this possible, the ODSTs, the _Normandy_ , our batarian friends and our human comrades in arms. This is a win for us all! Let's celebrate in earnest! Here's another track from Alestorm, "Wolves of the Sea!" On this day, we're all officially bloody pirates! There ain't nothing else worth being!

 **[Song: Wolves of the Sea]**

A quick update for anyone not in the know, if you wanna watch the _Ascendant Justice_ blow what remains of that facility off the face of the big old asteroid it's built on, you got a few minutes to get to a observation deck with a decent view. Otherwise, I'm sure someone will be playing it on a holoscreen ad-nauseum tonight. Just not the same as watching it though to be honest. Okay, we got another call. Let's see who it is this time. Hello, you're on the air with Boz.

 _Well fuck me, I actually got through. Hey there, Buzzy, sounds like you and your fellow birds are fucking ecstatic over all this._

It's pretty obvious I suppose. We're not very good at being subtle. May I ask who is speaking?

 _Jack, just Jack. I'm from the Normandy. Was with the ODSTs in their assault on that damn security and comms building. Fucked the place up real good._

Well we appreciate that Jack, couldn't have pulled this off without you.

 _Whatever, just wanted to let you know I was listening to your broadcast the whole way. Your music is ancient as fuck but it's got a good sound. Seems to fit you guys. Some of the Drop Troopers were listening to it here and there, but they mostly have to keep comms clear. I don't bother with that shit, their protocol, not mine._

I thought the _Normandy_ was drafted into UNSC service. Aren't you kinda supposed to follow their regs?

 _Some might, I don't. Fuck that shit, never had to listen to anyone to survive this long. Unless one of them is Commander Shepard himself, I don't give a fuck what they say I should or shouldn't do._

So you basically only recognize Shepard's authority?

 _Yeah, what of it? You guys only really answer to Zek, right?_

It just seems a bit strange. Why the Commander, but not the UNSC as a whole?

 _One, because half these ODSTs are a bunch of assholes. So I ain't listening to their bullshit. Two, because Commander Shepard is the baddest motherfucker around. He earned my fucking respect. The UNSC drafted me into this mess along with the rest of my crew. I'm here to help us get the fuck out of this shit basically. Beyond that, I do what the fuck I want._

I can get behind that. You certainly have a very kig-yar mentality. Self and crew first, everyone else second.

 _Cool, I got something in common with you turkeys. Guess that's why I felt like calling. You guys like the fight don't you? I mean, you ain't warriors like the Elites or the krogan, but you do like the scrap. Seems to pump you up, get your motors running and shit._

Kig-yar life is heavy on the adrenaline. Talk to most pirates and they'll tell you they feel alive most during a fight. It's not so much the fighting itself as it's the heat of the moment I guess. The energy, the electricity, just seems to come out of nowhere. We probably got a little bloodlust in us I'll admit. But we're not like the sangheili and jiralhanae. Those fuckers are just war mad, we're fight happy. There's a difference.

 _Yeah, I get what you're saying. I've been there. Nothing makes you feel more alive than surviving against the fucking odds. I guess that's why you like this old music so much, fits your adrenaline fueled lifestyle. How about you put on another track, long flight back to the Normandy and we're just finishing clean-up here anyhow. Might as well have something decent to listen to._

Sure thing, Jack, any specific requests?

 _Fuck if I know, I'm not Joker, I didn't download this shit. Just make it something heavy and hard, alright. Still gotta work out some of the shit that went down here. Oh and while I'm here, fuck you, Corporal Fadden. If you're listening, you're lucky Thane was there. Otherwise you'd be a bloodstain against the wall. And if any one of you dipshit Drop Troops even fucking looks at me funny, you best be ready to get the same treatment I showed these fucking Elites today. So stay the hell out of my way, asshats._

That is one very violent and angry human female. I would highly suggest people heed her warning. Commander Shepard must be a real hardass to keep that lady in line. Okay, let's get another song going. Here's a good one, I think it matches Jack's request too. This is Motorhead, "Killed by Death," only on BBR! Good job out there today boys!

 **[Song: Killed by Death]**

 **Crank up the Volume, you're listening to Buzzard Buccaneer Radio. Your only rock station for a hundred billion lightyears. So get fucking used to it, matey!**

Good news people, Zek is already planning a huge vid screening of some human crime thrillers. Not pirates though, something about gangsters. Whatever that means exactly. Head on over to the main rec room later tonight for some of the best seats. Word is we still got some of that popped corn leftover, so get there early if you can before it's all gone. That shit is delicious and I'm not sure Shepard is gonna let us raid his cabinets again. Alright, enough of the jabbering. Zek recorded another review the other day. This one should be interesting folks, let's give it a listen, shall we?

 **By now I suspect the whole crew has gotten hooked on the Ultraman series. Can't say I'm surprised, it's awesome. After enduring the torture that was Hack-speare for several hours, my faith in humanity's story telling ability was thankfully restored by this series. It seems like some of Earth's best stories come out of this little island of Japan. If we ever manage to get there we should probably check it out. I've heard good things about this sake of theirs. In light of the series' popularity among the crew, I asked Ms. Kasumi Goto for some help. You all know her by now, she's a fellow thief among our human friends and the first of her kind to taste Ichor, making her a bit of a celebrity aboard our fair vessel. So you know I value her opinion concerning vids. I asked her personally, are there more vids out there like Ultraman? And she answered yes, in fact there are many! She pointed to one specific vid though, it's called "Godzilla vs. Megalon."**

 **For those not in the know, Godzilla is a pretty big name in human pop culture. He's some giant saurian looking fellow that breathes atomic fire and fucks shit up on a regular basis. He's got a ton of vids with his name on the marquee, at least over thirty. Pretty impressive for a giant lizard who is essentially a human in a rubber suit. Although they stopped doing that suddenly for some reason in his later works, no idea why. Just doesn't feel right if we're not actually watching two actual living creatures beat the shit out of each other. I mean sure, they're actors, they're not REAL monsters, but still... it just isn't the same. Ah well, tech marches on I suppose.**

 **Anyway, Godzilla has a ton of monster brawls I'd love to go over with you all, but unfortunately we only have so much time in a day. For the purposes of this segment, we're just looking at the Megalon movie. And it is nuts, boys. You know when you take like a whole hit of Drelgon Spices and just let it all go? That's kinda like what happens in this shit. It's really hard to explain in audio format, but I'm gonna try. Suffice to say, it really is a lot like Ultraman. I'd almost call it a rip-off, but that almost feels like a disservice of sorts.**

 **Here's how it goes, apparently humans are blowing up these big ass underground bombs on their homeworld. Seems a bit stupid to me. I mean, you wanna do that shit, do it some place you don't keep your stuff. There's gotta be an asteroid or whatever you can explode for shits and giggles, right? Anyway, it seems like all this underground exploding is pissing off some dudes who live underground. So they send up some freaky looking bug called Megalon to teach them a lesson. Mostly by smashing their shit and seeing how the surface dwellers like being on the receiving end of this crap. Seems like a pretty reasonable response. I probably would've at least asked them politely to stop exploding shit first before resorting to outright destruction, but I do admire the simplicity of the statement. Nothing says "fuck you" like sicking a giant monster on your shitty neighbors.**

 **Megalon is basically some kind of beetle or whatever, that spits out bombs and has, get this, drill bits for hands. He probably would be more menacing in real life, but part of me keeps wondering how he eats. Does he shove his whole head in there? That's gotta be messy. I can't really imagine not having thumbs I guess. I mean, how would you jack off? Of course, he's a bug so I'm not sure he has the right parts for that anyway.**

 **While Megalon is fucking up Japan, the underground people send up two of their guys to raid some scientist's lab. Reason, he's building this constantly smiling robot guy named Jet Jaguar. I have no idea why he is called that, it's not really important. What is important is this synth has got some talent in those circuits, like major fighting chops. Also he can grow super big, just like Ultraman. Don't ask me how, even the scientist who made him doesn't seem to know how he's able to fucking do that. Seriously, how does someone manage to build something that can do something that should be impossible and not know how he achieved that? I'm not sure if that makes him a better or worse scientist.**

 **Jet Jaguar needs some assistance in ass kicking though, after all he was only built like yesterday, so he enlists Godzilla's help. The big lizard is apparently going through a hero phase at this time, so he's more inclined to help the humans. I guess after you destroy their shit for a few years you get kinda bored with the same old routine. And it's not like the humans' weapons are any threat to him, might as well go after something that can actually pose an interesting challenge for once. Point is, Godzilla comes to help Jet Jaguar fight Megalon.**

 **Well, now the underground people are freaking out, like, shit we didn't count on Godzilla actually spoiling our fun. So they gotta sub-contract their whole operation to some alien mercs who apparently have their own monster named Gigan! Okay, it's hard to describe what this fucker looks like. He's sorta like a reptile, but he's got this big silver metal beak and a single red eye. He's kinda like a cyborg I guess, I mean, why else would he have a buzzsaw in his chest. Oh, I didn't mention the buzzsaw? Did I at least mention he's got fucking curved blades for hands! I have to think they stuck him in this vid because he and Megalon have weapons for literal limbs. Hell, they even high five each other when they meet! It's like they're fucking longtime drinking buddies meeting up again for the first time in years!**

 **So now it's Megalon and Gigan versus Godzilla and Jet Jaguar. It's a great big, throwdown, rock'em, sock'em, brawl of titans. Two on Two, no holds bar! They are smacking each other around, charging head first into each other, it's some glorious on screen giant monster violence. And just in case you think Jaguar is the only one who can make physics his bitch, Godzilla manages to pull off a move that should be impossible, but fuck it if it ain't awesome! That lizard is a lot more capable than people give him credit for, kinda like us actually.**

 **If you guys like Ultraman, I'd recommend this vid. Be forewarned, there's a bunch of human stuff involved, just like Ultraman actually. It's mostly there to fill out the runtime, but it's kind of amusing in it's own right. There's an exchange between one of the humans and the underground people's agent which is basically him asking why he needs to steal technology from the surface is his people are so advanced. The dipshit from the underground basically tries to peddle some unggoy shit answer. The human sees through it though and calls it what it is, they're fucking stupid. Gotta love those balls, man, you called the supposedly hyper evolved underground civilization a bunch of morons! While you're captured by one of them! That's the kind of moxy I love to see.**

 **If you enjoy this vid, do check out the other Godzilla entries. They're worth a look in my opinion, they're certainly better written than anything that so-called Bard created. Ugh, mother fucking piece of shit that guy was. Sorry, still pissed I wasted so much time on that fucker. That's it for now, loyal crew. Now, back to Boz.**

Well that's another recommendation from the Shipmaster, people. And like I said before, Zek will be appearing in person in the main rec room tonight for a vid night marathon of human crime drama vids. Do not miss it, sure to be a blast. It's been a good day overall people, can't see any reason to slow it down now. So let's get back into the music. This is a good one, I think it speaks to us all on a very personal level. Deep inside, this is what every pirate aspires to. And humans too I'm guessing. Somewhere in there, I know you all feel the same. Here's Steppenwolf, "Born to be Wild." Who isn't though, right?

 **[Song: Born To Be Wild]**

 **-End of Transcript-**

Professor Solus' Notes:

Kig-yar culture clearly idolizes concept of profit. However, analysis of broadcast suggests species thrives on violence. Similarities to home universes' species of Vorcha in this manner(See Codex Entry). Differences nonethless profound. Violence must have purpose, not senseless. Consumption of human monster films, known culturally as Tokusatsu, points to violence as regular source of entertainment. Depictions of battle are used to heighten pre-fight awareness. Described by Ms. Kasumi Goto as, "psyching selves up."

Crew of _Fallen Serpent_ clearly reveled in the actions of the raid. Saw this personally in field. Would describe attitude towards destruction of enemy forces as form of release. Not just for recent slights, however. More general attitude against positions of authority, namely the sangheili, ie. Elites. This species had considerable control over them. Perceived as lackeys of Covenant leadership. Aggression against them is considered retribution against Covenant as a whole.

Acts of daring, such as Zek's boarding of the cargo ship, also generally lauded. Suggests Zek's hands-on approach to command endearing to crew. Personally witnessed actions in field. Despite nature, Zek is an accomplished field commander. Highly respected among crew for his capability against enemy. He "gets his hands dirty" if you will. Always alongside his crew. Admirable trait in less than admirable profession.

Violence way of life among many criminals. Opinion that this is especially so among kig-yar, however. Society lacks centralized government. Tyranny of the masses order of day. Order maintained by respect and fear of individuals. No recognized authority beyond that of the shipmaster. At least among pirates, cannot be certain for regular kig-yar species. Zek's style of leadership resonates well with crew. Highly loyal. Aggression attempt to mimic his prestige. All, of course, in the name personal self-gratification. Profit through violence perfectly feasible, if not necessary for survival in general.

Conclusion simple. _Fallen Serpent_ responds mostly to those who achieve ends through aggression and excel at those traits. They do not seek typical heavy handed strategy like the Covenant, however. Zek's unorthodox actions were highly praised. Cunning more important than fighting fair. This explains preference for hit and run, ambush-style tactics over head-on assault. Also explains musical tastes.

Official Statement

Mordin's analysis suggests Jackals are typically a violence-driven species. Thankfully, he seems to think it is only directed with purpose and when necessary, mainly for profit. Senseless cruel slaughter like that of the Brutes or honorable attitudes concerning combat like the Elites are frowned upon. Jackals seek to find other methods of achieving ends. This lines up with our general consensus at ONI, so I am inclined to trust his findings.

Boz himself seems to admire the pirate-lifestyle excessively and believes that humanity has the capacity to share many of the traits he idolizes. I'd like to claim otherwise, but must admit our history is not exactly free of similar behavior. In many respects, we share much in common historically. However, we organized under a central authority. Jackals rejected that notion in favor of personal freedom. Piracy is therefore seen as the ultimate expression of that freedom.

This is why I'm not certain this Alliance will last in any official capacity, despite the success of the raid. They are unruly and unpredictable, the casual nature of the first caller in this transcript is proof of that. Taking a break in the middle of a fight to brag about how he has killed an enemy is disturbing behavior. I am well aware many of our Marines do similar things, but they usually do not broadcast them over the radio in such a flagrant manner.

Of personal note, I would be wary of the _Normandy_ crew members Jack and Kasumi Goto. I know it might seem strange to suggest concerns with Shepard's people at this stage, especially concerning two of his human compatriots. The facts are there though, while aliens like Garrus and Samara have expressed concerns similar to my own, Jack and Kasumi seem almost aligned with the pirates mentally. The former thrives on violence in a similar fashion and the latter's lifestyle makes her more sympathetic to them if rumors are to be believed.

Considering the events that followed the raid, I am unsure if any of this has changed, but I have expressed my concerns to Commander Shepard. He assures me he will keep an eye on the situation. I will, however, be keeping my own tabs on the two. As well as one Zaeed Massani, who is technically a pirate in his own right. He seems loyal only to Shepard though, possibly because he is currently employed by the Commander.

Regardless, Zek clearly holds a great deal of sway over his crew. They admire and respect his capability. The usual token response most of us tend to have concerning Jackals is that they are reckless mercenaries with more bloodthirst than skill. However, I do not feel that is entirely accurate. They are capable, cunning and fierce fighters. The raid proved that in more ways than one.

The only thing hampering them, it seems, is the direct authority of the Elites controlling them. They try to make them fight like soldiers, but they're not. They don't follow the same rules of engagement, the same tactics that the Elites adhere to. The Covenant hierarchy in this sense limits the capability of their own soldiers. Let loose from those bonds, they're able to operate with a sufficient sense of speed and adeptness. If the Covenant allowed the various unique traits of their military forces to play to their strengths, well, they'd probably have crushed us a long time ago. It's another problem with their system of control and conformity, they're stifling their various advantages. Heaven help us if they ever decide to let their feathery mercenaries off the leash in the future, along with the rest of the races under their grip.

For now, that at least gives us an advantage in the sense that our Jackals don't have to worry about playing by the Covenant's rules anymore. However, it also means they are going to be highly resistant to playing by ours. A double edged sword if there ever was one. This isn't even going into the later developments in the aftermath of the raid. Developments that revealed other potential problems. I will go over them in greater detail in my next report.

-Signed

Lieutenant Elias Haverson

Office of Naval Intelligence

OOC: If you haven't figured it out by now, a lot of what I'm doing with BBR is inspired by the radio stations of GTA. Crazy callers, insane promos and sweet tunes. I know a lot of you have been sending requests for Boz to play, and I don't mind them, but remember, Boz is using Joker's music as well as Shepard's. Their tastes are going to be more on display than anyone else's. And given that Wade Shepard is a bit of a retrophile, his love of the original Star Trek series for example, he has very particular tastes in music regarding rock. Not to say more modern metal won't be represented, after all, Alestorm got a lot of play in this chapter. So do send in the requests if you want, just no there is no guarantee I'll put them in. It's still my work after all. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter and the sneak peek into what's about to come next. There are clues in this chapter if you look hard enough. See you then.


	4. Lockdown

Transcript Excerpt Three: Lockdown

 **Hoist the colors and break out the rum, because you're on Buzzard Buccaneer Radio. Your number one and only choice for Rock n Roll. So don't touch that dial, lest you want to be skewed, matey. ARR!**

Well today has been something of a mood killer hasn't it? We're still on lockdown. Not that I have places to be, it's just kinda terrifying under the current circumstances. I'm sure I've done nothing to put a target on my back from Syndicate Agents, but you never know. Maybe they want my music and they don't want to share. Well, just because we're stuck aboard the ship doesn't mean we can't try and enjoy ourselves just a little. We got some music coming up, but first a short shipwide reminder.

 **(Boatswain's Whistle Sound Effect - Possibly from film "Muppet Treasure Island")**

This comes from Zek himself, it's about the unggoy quarters that have been set up for them to rest up in when they're not on duty. The Shipmaster is making this very clear to you all right now, do not mess with their methane refill stations or climate controls. Otherwise you will be picking up your own ichor from the tap. Remember, they are not slaves, they are here to provide extra hands when we need them. The shipmaster is only saying this now because with everyone stuck aboard, you're probably all thinking of letting your frustrations out on them. Zek is not going to stand for that. Don't do it, it's petty. And personally, I'm not a fan of the gas suckers either, but picking on them is kinda lowbrow even for us. I mean, they're stupid, why bother poking them for it? It's like kicking a fledgling for whatever reason. Lay off them a little, will ya? We got a bigger problems after all. Well that's my civil service for today, hopefully the little trolls appreciate it, back to why we're here. This is Van Halen with "Panama." I'm told it is both a country on Earth and an old vehicle of some kind. I think this one's about the latter, either way keep it tuned here to BBR.

 **[Song: Panama]**

 **Don't bother changing the channel, pal. There ain't anything else on out here anyway. This is Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, the rock scourge of the airwaves!**

Welcome back people, this is Boz the Buzzard coming to you live from the _Fallen Serpent_. Now I've been hearing some interesting stories from some of the crew all day since the lockdown activated. Most of them in regards to the Syndicate of course. Some of it's some pretty spooky shit to be sure. For those just tuning in and aren't up to date on kig-yar society, let me break it down quick. The Syndicate are a bunch of Pirate Clans formed into one badass outfit. They usually leave you alone to conduct their own business. But if they think you're endangering that or just putting what remains of Pirate Culture at risk... then they get involved. You don't want them involved. Even if they're on your side, there's a price to it. Which is usually a lot higher than you originally think it will be. Now that we think they might be aboard with us, it seems everyone has an encounter with the Syndicate they are eager to share. Personally, I wouldn't want to advertise that, but it's your funeral. Anyway, sounds like we got more incoming. To the switchboard! You're squawking to the Buzzard, what you got?

 _Oh plenty. I have a brother who ran into an agent once. Really fucked up situation that was._

Do tell.

 _He was in this bar on this rutty planet, okay? He was there looking for a job, not really important. Anyway he's in there and this random stranger sparks up a casual conversation. Real smooth operator, he could tell. They were laughing the whole night, pounding down drinks, this bird keeps chatting about his work and how it was a major grind. But he enjoys it anyway, it's rewarding he says. My bro keeps things going cause he figures, hey, maybe he can offer me some work or whatever. At least put him in touch with some guys, he sounded like he had connections, you know?_

I hear ya.

 _Well it's getting late, alright? Like, around closing time, when some guys come in. Gang of toughs, real nasty customers they look like. They even got a Jiralhanae with him, vicious looking fucker with scars everywhere. They wander in, they don't look like they want trouble, they just want a few drinks. The smooth bird talks their head guy over to his seat at the bar with him. Apparently he was waiting on them or something. Way my brother described it, sounded like they had an arrangement of some kind. One the new guy ain't living up to it seems. Smooth tries to like convince him he's gotta abide the contract, but new guy thinks his crew can handle this shit. Says they just need more time. Smooth though, he didn't seem to like that. Not a bit. Says he had plenty of time, says he's stalling cause he thinks his employers can't do shit to him, cause they think he's irreplaceable._

Was he?

 _That's the fucking thing, Smooth admits he can't do nothing to him. And that's when shit hits the fucking slipspace drive! Smooth like takes his ichor bottle and smashes it into New Guy's face. While he's fucking bleeding everywhere, Smooth slams the dude's beak right into the bar. Now his muscle, the Jiralhanae, he's already fucking up at this point, like leaping from the fucking booth he was at. My brother is just trying to find a place to lay low at this point, but he sees Smooth like react instantly. He lets the dumb ape charge him, but dodges and lets him punch the bar. Then he grabs for his cutlass and slices the monkey across the back of his fucking leg. Ape is bleeding hard now, kneeling down. He rips the fucking stool out of the floor and chucks it at Smooth, but the dude dodges, like that shit is coming at him half the speed. Monkey goes for his weapon, Smooth throws his cutlass as him, impales his fucking wrist. Then he grabs for the primate's own fucking gun, a Mauler, and he shoves it down the ape's throat and just pulls the trigger again and again and again until it's just one big pulpy mess._

Holy fuck.

 _Yeah and the rest of new guy's crew, they just fucking watch cause they can't believe this is fucking happening! Smooth picks the dude off the floor, glass and shit still stuck in his face and he tells him that the rest of his operation is expendable. That they can make life a living hell for him and there's nothing that can protect him. So the guy cracks, tells him where he's storing the goods he promised for the Syndicate. Smooth lets the fucker live, but carves a scar right across his face, just to remind him that they can hurt him. Then he drops him to the floor and Smooth is back to smiling all friendly and shit. He even pays for my brother's drinks and checks out with a friendly wave. Unfucking believable!_

It almost sounds as much.

 _I wouldn't have bought it, if my bro didn't take pics of the scene after the fact. Dead headless monkey and all. Real fucked up scenario. My brother decided to look for work elsewhere, wanted to be as far as possible from that shit show._

You worried about these Agents doing the same thing here?

 _Probably, but not to me. I don't owe no one nothing, honest. Well, maybe I owed some back rent on this shuttle I once crashed, but that ain't the same. I'm sure as shit that the guy who sold me that junk pile wasn't with the Syndicate. Least I hope not._

I don't think the Syndicate cares about people crashing their shuttles. Not unless it's carrying their product I imagine. I'm sure you're fine. Shuttle Salesmen are far less bloodthirsty than assassins, but only just a little. Alright, next call. Can you top that story?

 _Not sure I can, but I do remember this one thing I heard a good while back. Story on the wire about a sangheili in charge of an anti-pirate taskforce. He got sent to major causeway of activity, hotbed of crooks, Syndicate run as I understand. He conducts these searches for contraband that he hears is being hidden in settlement. He find nothing though, it all got shipped out before he could grab it, not a trace left. He gets word of a hideout, sends some Banshees to bomb it to fuck. They never come back. He heads to his ship, tries to take off to deal with the problem himself. Whole fucking thing explodes the second he steps on the bridge! Had to be a Syndicate Agent, infiltrated the Covie Fleet just for that purpose. Find a guy who tries to take on the Queens and then decapitate him before he can even get his feet wet._

Well, that would certainly send a message. Don't hunt us, we'll end you. If it was them of course.

 _Who else would it be? The Humans? Let's be honest here, I think they wouldn't mind the Covenant wasting more time on pirates and less on them. Besides, you better believe they'd have let everyone know it was their boys who killed the bastard. No, it was the Syndicate alright. They locked onto that sangheili and executed him cold like. Just goes to show, they don't just target pirates. Agents will go after anyone if they pose a threat to Syndicate interests._

Point taken, although I doubt that's what the guys currently on our ship somewhere are interested in right now. This is why they usually send the low level sangheili after our asses, people. They want to reserve all their big name heavies for humans and not potentially lose them to us "lowly criminals" or whatever. Lowly, heh, right. As if they're so high and fucking mighty. They need fucking hover chairs to get anywhere with our snapping their knees in half. Longnecked fucks. Alright, next caller. You're with the buzzard, talk to me.

 _Boz, you gotta listen to this. Seriously, this is important, especially now._

Ah shit, Juk! You gotta do this now? Please tell me you haven't been hitting the Sooka Sand again. You know how much that crap fucks you up.

 _That's what THEY want you to think. That ain't what it does though. It opens up my eyes to everything, Boz! Things you just don't see! But they're things you gotta know, everyone has to know! But they won't tell about them because they need to keep you blind. It's how they keep you down!_

Who the fuck is this "They", Juk? I know it's not the Covenant cause you keep claiming they're pawns too. It's not the humans because they're not really in a position to do much of anything right now. Honestly, your twitchy ass needs to get sober. I'm all for personal recreation, but at some point you gotta realize when you're in over your head.

 _Just listen for a second, okay? The Syndicate Agents everyone is so worried about? It's a smokescreen, total damn smokescreen. It's put up there to keep you distracted. The reality is, we've all been infiltrated already, long before that and by multiple parties!_

Oh dear, is that right? Who could be worse than the ever dreaded infiltrators who exist to subvert whole crews and fleets for the benefit of the three most powerful pirate clans? Let me guess, the ghost of Blood Quill the Cannibal is roving the halls as we speak?

 _I'll tell you who, the Viskazmox! Shape-shifters from the Pinwheel Galaxy. They came here eons ago, and they implanted themselves in every society! They've been controlling the wheel of fate ever since! And now that we're partnered with a bunch of humans from another dimension, well, fuck, they're about ready to make their move! Why? Because they know their rivals for galactic dominance, the Mentaltoids from the Microverse, have already implanted themselves in the minds of several humans from across the entirety of time and space. Now that they've got reinforcements, it's only a matter of time before they decide to activate their various sleeper cells and seize control once and for all! Don't you get? We're all just caught in the damn crossfire of their coming war for total control of the cosmos!_

Holy fuck, how horrible. Truly these are the end times it seems. We might as well open all the airlocks now and get it over with I suppose.

 _Don't you get sarcastic with me, Boz. We're on the precipice of utter destruction and this Syndicate scare is just the start of their whole plan to distract us. And you, everyone on this ship and in this fleet, you all need to know this because you're all targets! Your friends could be your enemies and even they might not know it! We all gotta start scanning ourselves with level four low-level radiation. It's the only thing that disrupts the shape-shifters powers and also burns out the Mentaloids from your brain pan! At the very least, everyone needs to breath in a ton of Sooka Sand, that way they can see stuff. Like if anyone has purple tint to their pupils, they got a Mentaloid in there! We all need a reverse brainwash before it's too late!_

Sure, Juk, I'll get right on all that. I'd love to bathe myself in excess plasma fumes to get rid of the invisible little creatures in my brain. That would be so healthy and not potentially cancer-causing.

 _The only cancer is the menace in our midst! Why am I the only one who sees this? You can't be that bli-_

And that is enough from Crazy Town for today. I apologize for that listeners, Juk has never been well. One too many inhales of the Kooky Sooky. We keep him stuck on cleaning duty for just that reason. This is why I stick to ichor. It tells you to stop once you start throwing up and your body forces you to listen. When it comes to the sand, friends, heed my advice, just say no. Seriously, I need to find a better way to screen these calls. In the meantime, let's get back to rocking out. And in honor of our twitchy friend, this appropriately titled song is going out straight to Juk. Get clean, buddy, please! Here's "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath, only on BBR.

 **[Song: Paranoid]**

 **You're listening to BBR, where the ichor always flows and the rock never stops. Pour another round on us why don't ya?**

You guys know me, I'm not much for the fighting if I can help it. I prefer not getting my skin melted off by plasma bolts, thank you. That's why I'm doing this show and you're not. I do have a gun though, personal protection and all that. It's almost a given in this line of work that you need to have a gun on you. Thing is, there's a lot of variety out there to choose. More so now because of our current relations. Now, with this whole Syndicate scare, I'm guessing a lot of you and keeping your pieces close. In light of that, I decided to bring our master-of-arms onto the program to share some info on some of the new weapons we've acquired since our team up with the humans and our recent trip to the hollow. Please welcome, Zhad, the bird in charge of every zapper about the ship. You're on the air, bud.

 _Glad I could come on, Boz. I was hoping to share some of the latest wares with you all._

Zhad, let's be blunt. A pirate is only as good as the weapon he carries. You know our usual arsenal, needlers, plasma pistols, but we got anything a bit more exotic these days?

 _Do we ever? Let's start on some things that are more familiar. The Needler Rifle is a pretty solid long range utility. Like the one-handed needler, but with far superior range and accuracy. It can hit your target and if you do it in quick succession you can detonate the needles. Just like a regular needler, only you won't need as many to make a decent kill. For other long-range needs, you have the Carbine, it's got great range and packs a punch against energy-based shielding. Not great on accuracy though, but has a decent rate of fire. Works pretty well in a sustained firefight. Although I'd suggest always aiming for the head, it will take awhile to kill something bigger than you with this otherwise._

We got beam rifles too right?

 _Ah yes, the classics. Beam Rifles are great weapons for long range kills, practically perfect. You just line up through the sights and anything you're shooting at is usually dead before they even hear the discharge. Problem is, terrible battery life. Thing will die in a few shots if you aren't careful. Once that happens you're pretty much screwed. We actually acquired something a bit more interesting on the Hollow. The Focus Rifle, this baby gets snatched up by the Sangheili a lot, but it's way too good for them. You can charge this weapon up into a powerful shot and then hold on the trigger. It let's loose a continuous beam of pure death that can wipe through a small squad of hostiles easy. You start an ambush with this, chances are you'll have three dead people instead of one before they all run for cover. Same problem as the Beam Rifle, loses battery fast, especially with sustained firing. Less range also, the beam can't travel that far unfortunately. The trade off is potentially more kills for your shots though and it's just as accurate, although you're going to give away your position pretty fast with it of course. Not much for stealth, but makes up for it in fear factor, that's for sure. Sometimes that's all you really need with a sniper rifle._

Well that does sound cool, Zhad, but what about our new friends? Didn't they bring over some guns to share?

 _Well the humans have plenty I'd like to get my hands on, but they're hogging them all. I guess I can't blame them. I can't said I'd ever give them back if I got one. The batarians are a bit more generous, mostly because they have few more of them than they really need. Consequence of losing so many of their numbers I suppose. Meaning we got our hands on some sweet gear from beyond the wormhole they popped out of. They got some deadly toys here, like this little hand cannon. The Carnifex it's called. Funny thing about their guns over in that other universe, they don't really use batteries or bullets or needles. Every gun is loaded with this big old block of lead. From what I understand, every time you fire the thing, it shaves off like a grain from this big old block and then it launches the thing at crazy speeds. I'm talking like a fighter craft launching into overdrive fast here._

Making that tiny grain fast enough to rip through a skull. Interesting way to kill someone. Not to mention slightly ironic depending on how big the target is. But they still need to be reloaded, right?

 _Yeah, with something called thermal clips. Apparently, shooting grains of lead at high velocity overheats the damn thing. So the excess heat gets dumped into these little sinks you see. When it gets too much, you eject it and slap in a fresh one. Same with every gun, not just the Carnifex. It's a pretty well designed pistol in any case. Decent punch, minimal recoil, brilliantly accurate. The kicker though, is the ammo modifications. You can set this baby to shoot incendiaries, shield disruptors, flesh rippers, hell, you can even freeze marks with it! Ain't that a hoot?_

Am I allowed to make an ice pun?

 _Yeah, you do that and I might shoot YOU with it, Boz. Don't jeopardize our friendship here, alright?_

Fine, fine, sounds like the Carnifex would be a good weapon to keep our boys safe from stowaway assassins. I imagine some want something with more bite though.

 _Well the batarians have a lot of bite. You know about the human shotgun that tears shit apart? They got their own variant and it's a doozy. They only had a few to hand out, but it was worth the trade. The AT-12 Raider is a monster! It's not lightweight and there's only two shots in the chamber, but anything you're shooting at is bound to be dead or close to when you fire the first round. That's how much firepower it packs and it's got a great firing rate as well. Meaning you can put down your assailants pretty quickly, even with the considerable reload time. Hell, if there's a lot of them, you can probably kill two at least. This thing has a pretty wide spread. Combine that with mods to increase the capacity of the magazine, plus whatever ammo type you choose to have it fire, and you got the perfect gun to pile up some corpses with. Only drawback is that it's accuracy at longer ranges is pretty poor, even in comparison to similar weapons. For that reason alone, you'll probably want to stick a bayonet on the end. The batarians have their own, but I've modded mine with an energy shard dagger. If you're going to be stuck shooting at such a close range anyway, you might as have another means to kill the bastards with it._

Batarians sure know how to make a devastating weapon it seems. That should give any Syndicate Assassins skulking about a reason to take pause.

 _Why do you think I have one? Hell, chances are they got activated specifically because we have all these new murder toys around! I mean, wouldn't you want to get your hands on weapons from another universe if you were in their shoes? Take the batarian's kishock harpoon gun, one of their long range rifles. This thing can easily one-shot three enemies under the proper circumstances. That's how much penetration power it's got. Don't even talk about range, it's got it in spades. Can get you a headshot from over a hundred yards, maybe more. Doesn't matter if there is only one shot in the chamber, it's all you're going to need. It's like you said, batarians know how to make some vicious armaments. If the Syndicate knows about them, they probably want them. I imagine it would make their little kill squads a lot more efficient._

Considering the stories I've heard, I'm not entirely sure they NEED to be more efficient.

 _Hey, they're professional killers and infiltrators, they're not going to turn down a chance to kill folks in a quicker and more bloody fashion. That's just who they are. In any case, I'm keeping this armory locked tight. I already have a gun set up at the door. You want in here? I'm gonna have to buzz ya, otherwise it's a face full of AT-12 spread. I got it set up with shredder rounds, you don't want none of that. So until this place is clean, no one is getting in. These are my fucking guns, bitches. End of story._

That sounds a tad extreme Zhad. Can't you just set up and alarm or shock-grid? Zap them with a few volts if they to break through?

 _Screw that, anyone dumb enough to try and take my guns is going to get fried permanent like. Old Zhad does not fuck around when it comes to personal protection. Simple as that. Any responsible gun owner would do everything in their power to prevent potential thefts._

And your answer to that is to set up a lethal trap pointing at the only way in or out?

 _No, I got plasma pistols rigged to go off near the vents too. I'm covering all the angles here._

Well, stay safe, Zhad. And try to make sure you don't shoot anyone who ISN'T a stowaway assassin.

 _No promises, can't account for stupidity. Just everyone stay away from my armory, damn it._

Geez, this whole mess has got more people on edge than I thought. I suppose it's not without reason. Still, we're not entirely sure what exactly is going on here. I mean, I'm aware they tried to kill Taq, but she could be the only thing they're after, guys. We're not all targets is all I'm saying. I'm hardly that important for example. I mean, I've still locked the station's door and barricaded it with my own bed, but that's beside the point. Do what you need to feel safe, guys, just don't be so panicky. Retz is on this one, remember? He's got this all well in hand, I'm sure. Anyway. Time for another music break, one that will hopefully ease everyone's tensions a little. Here's a track from Earth's distant past that should relax our nerves. Deep Purple with "Hush", an easygoing tune to mellow you all out a little. Only here on BBR.

 **[Song: Hush]**

 **If you can't hijack a cargo ship half drunk off your ass, what can you do? Buccaneer Buzzard Radio, where the only life is the pirate life.**

 **[Song: Doctor Feelgood]**

That was Motley Cue, with "Doctor Feelgood", hoping the sentiment passed on to you. I know you guys are probably itching to get off this ship soon, with any luck we will before long. Honestly, there's only so many places these agents can hide after all. I suppose the bright side about this is we get a break from the humans for a bit. No offense to any listening, but sometimes you just need a little space for any good relationship to work. In the case of one of one of my brother's ex-girlfriends, she needed the space and his brand new hovercar.

Don't feel too bad for him though, he bought that with money she had earned. Technically it was hers to begin with. Also hers to use as a getaway car when she robbed that credit chips firm. She smashed it through the wall to start the robbery though, so part of me has to think there was some slight vindictiveness on her part. He was seriously pissed though. He loved that vehicle, named it and everything. Slept in it. Probably did unspeakable acts to it, he loved it so much. I'm not joking, one time I found him naked in the garage near the fuel intake. I'd like to say he was drunk, but he had a lot of issues. So when the Ex ditched it in mid-air to grab onto that passing shuttlebus, it was kind of a mercy killing when it hit the ground. Well that was a tangent, let's break it up with some news.

 **(Boatswain's Whistle Sound Effect)**

Proposals have been made by several crew members to expand the viewing experience of the vids we've acquired. They have suggested that with the rather large space that encompasses the mostly unused hangar of the _Ascendant Justice_ , that a bigger holoscreen could be set up in one of the sections. Specifically so more people can enjoy the vids, including humans, who probably don't want to come aboard our little Corvette because of various reasons. Shipmaster Zek has said the idea is not without merit, but must be run by Colonel Holland first. Personally, I don't think Holland will take issue with old human films being played for his human underlings. I'm sure there are quite a few of them who are curious about our vid nights as much as anyone is by now. Cultural exchange is a beautiful thing. Either way, it's going to have to wait until the lockdown is over.

In other news, a prospective buyer for our spoils from yesterday's raid has been found. We will be making our standard drop in short order once details are finalized. So expect a payday in our near future. Not that you can spend it on much, being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere and all, but it's always good to know you're still earning money. Just like with breathing, it means you're still alive. The full payout for the delivery will be announced in short order. As will the cut of everyone in accordance to their station. A dishonest paycheck, what could feel better?

That's the news at the top of the hour, now back to the tunes. We got a request over the previous break from someone over at Roe's Bar. Here's a little band called Guns and Roses with "My Michelle." Save a drink for me down there guys.

 **The home of 100% pure Rock n Roll in the void! BBR! (Bird Squawk) Buzzard Buccaneer Radio!**

 **[Song: My Michelle]**

Ah these guys, Guns & Roses, that is such a freaking cool name. How come all these bands the humans created have such great names. Anyway, Boz again folks and I bring another recording from our Shipmaster himself. Yes, it turns out Zek has had time throughout all this craziness to make another review of another vid. I guess with Retz on the case, he's not too worried about much right now. So, let's see what the boss has for us today folks.

 **Some would say us Pirates are dirty criminal scum. They're kinda right to be honest. I'm not going to try and lie here to you all. We all know the truth of this life. We're outlaws, let's not pretend we're noble or serve some higher purpose. We don't. And that's the beauty of our system I think, the fact we accept we're ugly. We don't put up a charade like some crooks do. You know what you're getting with a pirate. In that sense, we are incredibly reliable to those we offer our services to. Before you think this is a sales pitch or anything, it's not. It's simply a truth we at times forget. We do not have any official rules, no centralized government to oppose. There is no law and therefore, we are all lawless. This is where a vid I watched recently comes in, "Goodfellas." And I think it's lesson is important to us now in this current crisis. That we are free and we should appreciate that.**

" **Goodfellas" is the story of a small time crook named Henry Hill who joins a criminal organization called the Italian Mafia as a kid. Well, I say join, but he's more like a hired goon. He's got no real power, no actual standing, he's just some little dipshit who gets paid really well for being a thug. Admirable in most cases, not here. Hill you see is intoxicated with the Mafia lifestyle, adores it even. He desires to be just like him from the time he's just a fledgling, or whatever humans call their kids. They give him money, they give him a sense of purpose in his life, hell they even help get him out of school forever. He looks like he's got it made. Problem is, it's clear from the start he has no idea what the actual fuck he's getting into.**

 **He joins the life for the romance of it, the hopes it's an easy ride to get ahead, to belong to something bigger and grander. He's stupid enough to believe all this garbage he tells himself, because there's this belief the Mafia is a honorable organization. Yes, because people who steal money on a regular basis from truck drivers are honorable. Oh sure, they offer protection to people, but it's pretty clear that those people are just being used. The Mafia sucks them dry and then discards them. Henry refuses to see that though, that people are expendable in this life and he doesn't connect that the same goes for him.**

 **He even ignores the fact that his so called friends are quite literally psychopaths. Violent fuckers who will turn on people without a moment's thought. Mainly because they know they can get away with it. His friend Jimmy might seem respectable, but he's a paranoid maniac under that calmed and reserved surface. Willing to kill his friends and fellow crewmembers just to get ahead and stay out of the hands of the law. It's clear you can't put your faith in him relatively early on, that he will get rid of you once you're worthless to him. Henry doesn't though, he's too blinded by the fantasy of it all. Then there's fucking Tommy though. Holy shit, this guy does not hide anything. He's a clear raving madman, who's murderous tendencies are enabled by the Mafia. One second he's all happy and joking, he next he's shooting a man in the foot for not bringing his drink fast enough! And then later when the same guy tells him to rightly go fuck himself... Tommy fucking murders him in cold blood! And Hill stays friends with these people! People who are clearly not trustworthy or reliable as crewmates!**

 **Now it might sound like the Mafia is a little like us, but that couldn't be further from the truth. They got actual rules, mainly because they live in a society with laws that could see them all in jail were they found out. Thing is they barely follow these rules themselves, constantly breaking them to get ahead on their own. The Mafia denies attempts at personal advancement, all in an effort to protect the big guys at the top! So much for entrepreneurial spirit, huh? Henry himself breaks the no-no they have on drugs, which they made because dealers usually rat on them when caught. That and drugs get less corruptible officials involved. That's the other problem with the Mafia, it relies too much on lawmen being coerced into leaving you alone. Oh you might get some, but they're the idiots who suck at their jobs. Sooner or later, you'll find a good officer of the law and then you're fucked.**

 **Point is, Hill starts selling drugs to make more money. Putting himself at greater and greater risk. Hell, he even starts taking his own product like an idiot, just to keep up with everything he needs to do and everything the Mafia requires of him. That's another thing, there's no sense of legitimate love in this family, it's enforced. You have to be there for them every second, over your own interests. You have to follow their rules, even when they break them constantly. You're not loyal to them because you want to be, you have to be! You're basically a slave with a sense of power, because they let you punt people's faces in for them now and again and pay you well for it.**

 **Gradually, Hill comes to realize his so-called friends aren't his friends. They're all just waiting for him to fuck up enough. Then they're his enemies and they'll kill him on the spot without even so much as a shrug. All of his naive, childlike beliefs about what the Mob is, all the dumbass mistakes he makes in his life, all too soon it comes crashing down on his head. And he deserves it really, it's his fault for being an idiot. For thinking just because his co-workers call him family means he's part of them. Of course by then, it's all too late and he's got to make a decision that will cost him everything he holds dear.**

 **I'm not sure if that's a big spoiler or not, but it's important to stress this point. "Goodfellas" is one big cautionary tale about the dangers of trusting any system, criminal or otherwise, to protect you. The only thing that will protect your ass, are true crewmates. Those who stand with you in a fight with blades drawn and shed blood with you to earn fortune and glory side by side. The Mafia is revealed here as yet another failed system, this time for criminals like ourselves. They all pretend they're somehow a righteous society, with honor and dignity. They're little more than highly organized thugs though, living in a fantasy that nothing can hurt them. But as Henry Hill discovers, when your system is designed to work under the nose of the law, it's already failed.**

 **This is why we have codes, not rules. Laws are broken everyday. The idea that criminals already breaking one set of laws while strictly adhering to a bunch of rules their club made up is insanity! Honor has no meaning in this life, but the Mafia wanted to pretend it did. Trying to make themselves out to be heroes, but they're not. They never were. They were the worst kind of crooks, dishonest ones. Dishonest because they were lying to themselves. This vid paints their world brilliantly, one of excess violence thinly covered up with a weak coat of oaths and promises that can never be fulfilled. Crime cannot be organized, friends. By it's very nature, it is disorder and chaos. To try to make it anything but is futile.**

 **In general respects the vid compliments this message with stellar cinematography, a great cast of actors and actresses, brilliant writing and incredible music. I expect Boz to play a few tracks now and again when he can. I'm sure Mr. Moreau has them on the file somewhere. Truthfully though, all those other bits are there to enhance an great story every Pirate should hear, because it helps reaffirm the life we lead. Piracy is freedom, boys. It is a sacred trust of a crew and their shipmaster. One cannot exist without the other. We may lie, we may cheat and we mostly do steal and kill. But we will always be honest about the why, because we don't pretend to be anything but what we are. The Italian Mob died it's slow agonizing death, clinging to the belief it was something more. We survive because we embrace the lawlessness. We don't try to fit into anyone else's system. We create a nation unto itself and answerable only to the individual! As the great Captain Jack Sparrow said in another terrific vid, all that matters is what one can do and what one cannot do. There is no greater truth than that, no better summation of who we are.**

 **The Syndicate itself is a similar system to this. Everyone knows what they are and they do not pretend to be anything but. They exist to protect the bit of space they've carved for themselves and make sure no one else wipes out pirate-kind in the process. Mainly because we're buffers. If there's all these smaller pirates running around, fewer people will bother them. And because we know what they are, the danger they possess and the potential risks involved in dealing with them, we are that much more prepared to face them. They may have stowed away, sneaked themselves into our little country, but we will eject them. For we are Pirates! We are free! And we are unconquerable! Not by them or anyone! Not even to ourselves! May our colors always soar high so this undeniable fact may be clear to all! Thank you for your time, gentlebirds. And remember not to fear. This is but one storm more to weather. Stay true my friends, true to who you are. Never feel ashamed. For you are a Pirate, you are free. Forever and always, you are free.**

Wow, I'm a little choked up here guys. Seriously, I am. If you ever needed a reason as to why I joined this crew, it's right frickin there! Shit guys, I'm sorry, I gotta play something before I start totally bawling. That was all way too beautiful. This is another hit from Alestorm called simply "Pirate Song." Do enjoy, stay free, my friends.

 **[Song: Pirate Song]**

-End Transcript-

Mordin's Notes:

Hedonistic lifestyle of kig-yar readily apparent. Reaction to potential disruption also undeniable. Introduction of threat to status quo creates clear tension. Surge of paranoia. Rampant rumors and scuttlebutt. Excess of alcoholic consumption. Self-preservation more valued than whole of ship. All clear coping mechanisms. Assassin situation unaccounted for. Risk not previously considered. Sudden appearance created panic, fear.

Pirates clearly feel upturned by added risk. Assassins hiding amongst their ranks. Tenuous situation. Fearful reaction understandable. In contrast to love of danger and violence. Can only surmise shift in balance leading factor. Assassins had upper hand. No idea who to trust. Cannot rely on anyone. Already accepted fact within pirate society. Greater threat added through hired killers who know tricks of trade. Better liars, schemers, fighters in general than average _Serpent_ crewmate. Scenario entitles high risk, no reward other than continued survival. Not favorable situation for pirates.

Reverence, no, terror created by Syndicate most evident. Agents similar to colleagues from STG (Special Tasks Group) during tenure with organization. Vastly different. Not interested in military or political balance. Motivated purely by power and respect offered. Position of authority over largely chaotic kig-yar society. Outlaws acting as judge, jury and executioner over own kind. Skill and ability may be exaggerated. Hard to discern embellishment from reality. Kig-yar already stretch truth normally. Fear obscures truth even more. The Syndicate's capabilities would almost be admirable. Used for less than noble reason, however.

One sign of clear stability. The trust in the shipmaster. Dislike of authority only appears to extend to outsiders. As stated before, the leader is highly respected. His position of authority secured through commonalities with fellow crewmates. Faith in his ability to lead keeps order. Or what passes as such aboard vessel. Zek's and Boz's assurances of Retz's abilities eased tensions somewhat. Imagine eventual success of the elimination of the assassins has only cemented respect for both Zek and Retz in foreseeable future. Loyalty to their shipmaster resides in ability to protect crew. Securing their chosen path of self-indulgence.

No mistake though, paranoia and distrust still present. Less pronounced now that danger has passed. Will occur again if matters turn for worse. How far it goes will depend on gravity of the given situation.

Official Report:

As always, Professor Solus' insight is much appreciated. He stresses the same concerns I have that aroused from this incident. Jackal life is based on a constant climate of distrust and fear. When backed against a wall, they are more subject to the shortcomings of such attitudes. The idea of being infiltrated by those that wish to disrupt their comfortable lifestyle is clear to anyone who reads this transcript.

Boz's attempts to create some measure of control are hampered by his own admitted fears. It seems only through the faith of Zek's ability to lead was any control maintained. It stands to reason Zek knows this and it is why he made his little vid review to reassure his people. An effective morale booster, but it will not always hold. If the Jackals ever feel their shipmaster is failing them, they will turn on him. I don't think that is a particular risk here, but the possibility is ever present. Pirates throughout history have always ejected incompetent leaders when it suited them. They were very democratic in this way. If you call marooning the failed Captain on an island democratic.

I think it would be best if we make sure such a coup does not happen. At least not with us in close proximity. Despite my noted dislike of Zek and his cronies, I'd rather a sympathetic Jackal be in charge than someone who might think less of us. For now, Zek sees us as a potential business partner. We can use that to keep him on somewhat of a proposed path. I'm not going to say leash because that makes it sound like we have a measure of control with him. This is more like us properly setting boundaries he can't cross.

The Syndicate ripple concerns me nonetheless. We hardly need another faction after us right now. The men will hear about this, it's inevitable. They will not like it. I suggest we emphasize the fact that the assassins were neutralized. Well, to an extent as it were.

In any case, the Syndicate presents a grave potential threat. Their subtle machinations almost allowed them to acquire the information we need to locate the Forerunner wreck. They are indeed a very willy opponent. Their tactics and approach are not unlike those used at ONI. I won't claim we're somehow more noble than them because we're not criminals. However, they are at the very least more lethal than us. As always, violence might not be the first solution, but it is a close second. From what we now know they are equal parts cunning and cruel, instilling an aura of fear within all who learn of them.

The real troubling part for me is knowing what Retz actually is now. While I'm willing to admit it turned out in our favor this time, we know very little of his true loyalty. Only that he claims that Zek can always count on him. I'm not sure how much stock I can take in the word of a pirate. Let's just say, I have even less reason to trust him now. Same as Zek, he knew about his friend's true identity and refused to tell us. I understand respecting his friend's secrets, but not when it places us at risk. However, Retz is not our crewmember. I can only watch him, beyond that there is nothing more I can do. Other than increasing security measures near the _Serpent's_ docking port.

On a personal note, I will add that Zek is no less fooling himself than the character in the "Goodfellas" vid was. The pirate life may have less rules to break, but it's still controlled by those who are the most powerful. Those willing to cut the most throats to get ahead. While Zek might see this as a necessity, it's more of an excuse. The Syndicate's differences from the Italian Mob are clear, they fear no law and follow nothing but their own code. They are still just as greedy and violent as any mobster from the twentieth or beyond. They're more honest about it, but they are still an organization dedicated to their advancement. They serve no cause but their own and will step over anyone to get it.

Truthfully, they are no different than Zek's pirates. They are simply better at their jobs if the story of their massive fleet holds any weight. It's another reason we must be wary of these Jackals. Contingencies for a potential problem must be observed. However I feel we are adequately prepared for that eventuality. The Pirates are freely sharing themselves with us after all. We know the enemy better than ever. They're fearful, greedy, underhanded and mistrusting. These are attributes we can use against them should the need arise.

For now though, they are allies and they are assisting us. We'll see if this trend continues once we reach the Forerunner wreck. For the record, I do hope they remain helpful. We can ill-afford a massive liability while we have three separate factions after our heads. Perhaps this artifact we uncover will turn things around for us. Again, we can only hope.

-Signed

Lieutenant Elias Haverson

Office of Naval Intelligence


	5. The Shipwreck

Transcript Excerpt Four: The Shipwreck

Hey down there, boys and girls! This is Boz the Buzzard once again, transmitting to you all from the _Fallen Serpent_. I hope you're enjoying your little planetary excursion people, not everyday you get to camp out under the backside of a crashed Forerunner Spaceship! Still no word from the expedition team, but we're gonna keep rocking until we hear something. We got a few special guests in the next hour, so stay tuned for some of that. Meanwhile, let's get some life back in this old wreck! This is Alestorm, only on BBR!

 **[Song: Shipwrecked by Alestorm]**

That was "Shipwrecked" by Alestorm, fast becoming our go to band here on Buzzard Buccaneer Radio. Don't blame me, they made a ton of music about my profession. I'm obligated to play them! Anyway, I'm hearing a lot about what's going down at the campsite we got set up around that Forerunner Ship, namely that everyone's itching to find out what exactly is inside. We got some barely minimum news awhile ago, in case you haven't heard. According to one the first reports sent out way, the wreck is called the _Dauntless_. Which seems fairly accurate, I mean they saw a mountain headed towards them and they just bulldozed into it head first. I don't care if that's not what actually happened, I think it's way funnier if it did. That's the course of events I prefer to believe in. Now supposedly it was carrying a relic in its belly, that's the rumor anyway. Some kind of ultra powerful super weapon or whatever, I don't know. Unless it can turn piss into Ichor Rum I don't really care what it does. But hey, it sounds expensive either way, so that's why we're here.

Unfortunately, the only person who could tell us more is down below with the Captain. And since we're out of contact with them for some reason, Taq can't give us her own expert analysis. I'm not sure how much that matters to you regulars down there. You probably just want to know how many creds it's worth on the market. Or if you're human, you're wondering if it can melt Sangheili brains. Wouldn't that be something? Point is, it looks like we won't get answers until the expedition team comes back. I'm sure they're fine though, it's just a creepy ancient space wreck built by the same people who made those mega kill rings floating around. What could possibly go wrong?

 **(Ghostly Scream Sound Effect)**

Heh, sorry. Couldn't resist messing with you all. There are more than likely no ghosts, I'm about ninety percent sure on that. I'm not sure if they can still hear us down there, as any interference would affect transmissions both incoming and outgoing depending on how deep they are. If they can hear me though, I really hope they send us a call soon. Lets focus on what's happening up here on the surface for now. Our boys are intermingling down there with you humans and everything seems to be going well. I mean, we're not shooting each other despite inhabiting the same space. That's pretty awesome I think, keep that up.

Oh, that reminds me, for those who want to use this downtime to practice their shooting, we've set up an impromptu shooting range on the surface. We've borrowed some weapons from our batarian buds because thermal clips are easier to replace than bullets. If you prefer something more familiar, Professor Mordin Solus of the _Normandy_ has apparently given us a few portable recharge stations for plasma weapons. They're his own invention and they apparently work just as well as a regular recharge station. Meaning you're now never too far from a convenient way to juice up your gun on the fly and then unload a bolt into some asshole's face. The wonders of science never cease to amaze. Get some practice in on the thermal clip guns too though, they're just as handy when you're in a pinch.

If you're interested by any of this, head on over to the east section of the wreck's stern, you'll know you're close when you hear the gunshots. UNSC soldiers are also welcome to stop by. Sorry guys, we only have rocks to shoot. It's a pretty barren as fuck planet, best we can do. I think we'd all prefer some targets that looked like sangheili. Just imagine that the rocks are actually the heads of those warrior cultists. Should be therapeutic.

We'll have more updates within the hour and a special guest interview after the break, but first we got another song for you. I think this one is more than a little appropriate for today. Here's Iron Maiden with an epic high seas adventure track for you all, "Rime of the Ancient Mariner!"

 **[Song: Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Iron Maiden]**

 **You're listening to BBR. Buzzard Buccaneer Radio! Because some days you just really need to pillage and plunder somebody!**

Iron Maiden everyone, great band, powerful music. We should really play more of their tracks honestly, but I get so many requests from crewmates that it's hard to keep up at times. Anyway, I promised an interview with someone special and he's on with us right now. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Garrus Vakarian, chief weapons and security officer aboard the _SSV Normandy_. He's currently running operations down on the planet's surface, but I managed to convince him to talk to us for a bit. Great to have you on the show, Mr. Vakarian.

 _Yeah, I guess it's good to be here. Listen, we're still trying to get in contact with Commander Shepard and the others. So I'm multi-tasking here a little, try to understand that._

Of course, of course, we all have our jobs to do. Let's skip the small talk and cut to the chase then. You and Commander Shepard, you two seem pretty tight. What's a fellow alien bird thing like yourself doing working with a human soldier? I'm sensing a real kickass story there, one the listeners might want to hear about.

 _There's not that much to it honestly. I was on a case, one that was important to the Commander as he had a vested interest in it. Our lines of investigation crossed and we ended up teaming up to bring the perpetrators to justice. I then stayed on with him and his crew afterwards._

A bit vague on the details there. You could've at least told me about some of the fights you got in.

 _Well if you must know, our first mission together eventually us getting involved in a gun fight at seedy nightclub. I had to shoot someone using the stripper pole stage above the bar as a sniper's perch._

That's what I'm talking about! You're a fast learner, Vakarian.

 _I try to be._

So for those who don't know, you're a turian. You're a bit like us, you're an avian species. Just with far fewer feathers of course.

 _I'd hesitate to say we are alike, but yes, Turians are an avian species. And I'm assuming your next question is about who we are? Well, we're a military power back in our galaxy, providing most of the bulk of the fleet for the galactic government there, the Council. We're a very ordered people, who value community and selfless sacrifice in service to the group._

Hmm, sounds a bit too socialist for my tastes. I suppose as long as you don't force other people to believe in your Gods though I'm cool with that.

 _We don't really have Gods, our major religion revolves around spirits. We pray to them for guidance occasionally, but we believe they don't really interact with the physical world. They just watch over us and give us the ability to make our own path in life. The choice to follow that guidance is really up to us._

See, that's a religion I could get behind. Total autonomy, no silly commitments, emphasis on free will. I'd probably convert right now if I wasn't a filthy little atheist pirate scumbag. The words of the sangheili I'm sure, not mine. Not that I'm going to argue that much with them on that front. Mostly because they'd shoot me dead before I could attempt to.

 _I'll admit, I'm not exactly fond of them myself. Mostly because they're trying to kill me and my friends half the time. I think that's something we all have in common though._

Common ground at last. We all hate the sangheili! But lets stay on subject. We were talking about Gods, we're currently in the presence of a ship that the Covenant believes was a chariot for theirs. Now you haven't been in this universe long, but what is yourtake on the Forerunners so far?

 _At this point I'm pretty sure they weren't Gods, same as you I imagine. I've seen a lot of crazy stuff in my time with Shepard though. The Forerunners and what they've left behind rank pretty high on that scale. Believe me, it's a pretty insane scale at this point so that's a considerable feat. The Forerunners clearly were the dominant power in their era, but even they couldn't prevent their own destruction. If nothing else it reminds us that we can never take our place in the universe for granted. Chances are, there's something out there ready to take us down the moment we let our guard slip._

Hmm, a wise lesson to learn. Well, for most people anyway. Me? I'm gonna live forever.

 _If you say so. Another thing I'd like to say while we're on the subject is that I've had a lot of exposure to Forerunner tech leftovers. More than my fair share in fact. We're standing more or less in the shadow of their empire, the ruins of what they were. They possessed technology capable of wiping out all life in the galaxy. That's why this mission is critical. If there is functioning Forerunner tech in there, let alone weapons, it could shift the balance of power in this galaxy sufficiently._

And shift our bank accounts with any luck too. You guys get something that can kill Covies, we get a massive cred flow. Win-Win, wouldn't you say?

 _Yeah, sure._

So how are things working out at camp so far? Still no major brawls I hope?

 _No, everyone is more or less behaving. A few of your fellow Jackals took one of the Warthogs out for a bit of a joyride, but nothing serious. It took a while to catch up with them and they used the machine gun on the back to write what I assume were various alien slurs on some cliff faces, but that was the extent of it. I'd like to ask that everyone be careful around the UNSC equipment. We got very little of it off of Halo in the first place and we'd like to preserve as much of it as possible. The Huragok may be able to fix anything, but Holland doesn't want to rely on them for any human repairs. Security issues mostly._

Fair enough, you hear that guys? No more planetary excursions with the humie vehicles. They're not our toys, best not to break them like they were. So, more serious talk then, any word from our expedition team?

 _Nothing so far. We don't know why we lost communication with them suddenly, but as of now we can only assume they've gone too deep into the ship and surrounding caverns for our commlink to stay connected. We're working on some contingencies, but right now we don't have any reason to assume anything is wrong. If we don't hear from them in a few hours, we're discussing sending down a search party. If I'm being honest though, it probably won't come to that._

Specific reason for that confidence?

 _Shepard is down there. If they have run into trouble, he and the rest of the crew are more than capable of handling it. As are the Spartans and ODSTs and Varvok's soldiers. I've been with them all long enough to know how capable they are. Shepard himself has fallen out of communications with the Normandy on far more risky operations. I fully trust in his ability to get this mission done._

And Zek is down there too, so there's that in their favor as well.

 _Yeah, uh, sure. Zek, of course. He's... um, capable in his own ways I'm sure._

If you do have to send a search party, are you going to be leading it?

 _More than likely, if they are in trouble I'm not staying on the sidelines and hoping for the best. Right now though, we're just working on re-establishing contact and figuring out what is going on down there. If we do learn anything new, you'll be the first to know._

Well we appreciate it, Mr. Vakarian. Here's hoping we hear some good news soon. Specifically if it involves how much money we're going to be making off this.

 _Yes. Profit. That's the really important thing here, no doubt._

That's the treasure hunting spirit!

 _(Audible Sigh)_

We'll let you go now, Mr. Vakarian. Good luck to you down there.

 _Same to you, Boz. Same to you._

That was Garrus Vakarian, a chief crew member of the _Normandy_ and a most poetic and thoughtful man it seems as well. If he says there's no reason to panic right now than I'm inclined to believe him. Stick around dear listeners, we got more stuff lined up for you today. Right now, let's get back to why we're all really here, to rock out! Here's some Dio for you all, "Rainbow in the Dark." No need to thank me, you just have to listen.

 **[Song: Rainbow In The Dark by Dio]**

 **Pour yourself another mug of Ichor Rum and strap in, mates. We got more Music coming your way on Buzzard Buccaneer Radio! Where Piracy ain't just a job, it's a way of life!**

 **[Song: Hourglass by Lamb Of God]**

Lamb of God, everyone. Very loud humans, I'm surprised they were able to make as many songs as they did. In my experience, humans have very fragile vocal chords. I'm surprised any of your species can keep screeching for that long that coherently. That's a significant musical accomplishment, I hope they're remembered for that if nothing else.

Speaking of Gods, or at least their lambs, being in the presence of a Forerunner ship makes it real hard not to talk about them. I bet some of you are pretty tired of how everything seems to come back to them constantly. Can't for once we find some other ancient race that can stir up trouble for us now and again? Well sadly that's the problem we face when dealing with a dead galactic empire, folks. They were kinda everywhere, so we're sorta stuck tripping over their scraps for the rest of our lives. I'd personally prefer bringing Taq on to talk about this, but she's still out of contact. So instead, I'm kinda stuck fishing for opinions with you guys. I love you all, don't misunderstand, but... well... you probably know as much about the Forerunners as I do. That would be, as the humans would say, Jack-squat. That means nothing, if you were wondering.

So lets open up the commlink lines to everyone, what are your thoughts on our dearly departed alien master race? Maybe if all put our noggins together we can actually come up with a halfway decent thesis on the subject. Oh hey, what do you know, we already got a ton of lights on the board. Caller one, personal take on the Forerunners, go!

 _This is Corporal Lorrens, Army, well, all I really know is that when someone found Forerunner junk back home, it was a huge deal. ONI sent in a whole research team, basically took over an entire chunk of the colony. Everything I've seen always said to me that the UNSC goes nuts over this stuff. Maybe not to the same level as the Covies, but they still can't trample over each other fast enough to start poking and prodding whatever ruin they run across. Never thought I'd be part of one of those operations myself, but it's not like anyone else is around for once. So at least we're not ruining some poor colony's day._

Sounds like the UNSC and ONI has always had an vested interest in the Forerunners then.

 _Well that's honestly not all that surprising. If they think they can find a super weapon that got left behind, one that could turn this whole war around in our favor, it makes sense we should try to grab it first. I imagine we've been running into a lot of Forerunner crap over the years though. You'd think we'd have found something remotely useful by now. So another part of me wonders if this is just another wild goose chase. Uh, that's an animal on Earth if you need to know._

Appreciate the clarification. One thing to consider though, not every random ancient ruin is probably going to contain some amazing wonder gun that melts bad guys faces off. The galaxy itself is a big place, so the odds of finding just such a thing already increase exponentially. At least this time it seems we actually have some working intel on what is supposed to be down there.

 _Well if there is a weapon down there, I'm hoping it is worth all this trouble. Staring at the back end of a dead ship isn't exactly the most exciting posting in the world. Not to mention setting up this whole makeshift camp._

If it is any consolation, I think you're doing a bang up job down there, Lorrens. Alright, next call. You got some Forerunner insights?

 _About their civilization or if we should really call them Gods or not? No, I don't got nothing like that. I do, however, know a little bit about how their junk is becoming increasingly lucrative on the black market. With the Covies constantly trying to lock down any sacred relics for their personal collection, there are a ton of folks who would pay anything just to get their hands on something they think is divine. Naturally there are a lot of fakes out there because of that, but I know your average sales price for a ton of their shit._

Now that a perspective I wouldn't mind hearing about. What is the going price of Forerunner crap these days?

 _I don't know about their literal crap, but their tech can get you quite the substantial cred flow. Holographic literature is always a best seller. Personally, what little I could read was all dreck, Forerunners had a really over dramatic way of talking. More so when they were doing poetry. I've seen drives containing nothing but poems go for several thousand creds alone. Star charts like the one that led us here, ranging from the hundreds to hundred thousands, depending on potential value of what you might find there. Hell, bits of metal containing just Forerunner symbols can net you enough credits to buy a top of the line luxury space cruiser. It's insane how much the potential profits have been driven up here._

Ocean's depths! And all this because Covies are clamping down so hard anywhere the Forerunners used to be?

 _It's the same thing that Lorrens mentioned, they're looking for secret that can help them win the war or whatever. Only they're a lot more cutthroat about it. I doubt the humans and their ONI are going to execute you for heresy by selling this shit. Although taking over half a colony is pretty extreme, murdering anyone who even looks at the fancy artifacts is another level entirely. So even if there's no super powerful relic in there, this ship is still pretty much a money maker for anyone who's willing to play the market. Hell, free advice here humans, start taking this place apart and sell the bits and pieces for literally anything you want! See that Assault Carrier we came here in? Talk to the right people, you could probably buy another two just like it. That would make the Covies piss their pants a little. Food for thought._

I'm sure Colonel Holland appreciates your sound financial advisement on this potential investment, sir. For now though, his eyes are more than likely on the main prize of that relic we keep hearing about. Alright, next call.

 _If there's one thing I don't miss about the Covenant, it's that we don't have to act like we respect their stupid religion anymore. It was like working for Hanar with psychotic streaks, infuriating. Us batarians never needed Gods to find our way in life._

So you batarians don't have any religion at all then?

 _We have a religion, we just don't have Gods. They are not necessary. We find religious conviction in moral tenants and philosophy. They form the structural framework of our society, making us the powerful force we are. That's why we call them the Pillars of Strength._

Well now you got me intrigued. What are the Pillars of Strength?

 _They are sacred texts of our people, imparting to us our values and ideals. What we should strive to be. Order, Duty, Blood and Loyalty, these are a few of the things that make us who we are. The Forerunners are a backward ideal, that some dead species different from your own is something you must bend the knee to. Insanity. They are dead, they are not watching you, they have no power over you. Dead is dead. What matters is the physical, not the immaterial. We must raise ourselves up, not pray to some dead creature long gone to do it for us. To be a master of your destiny, one cannot bow to others. That is true strength of character._

That's a fairly forward thinking perspective. A bit forceful though, and angry sounding.

 _Apologies, perhaps I'm just not in the best of moods. I'm stuck in the shadow of a dead race right now. A race whose blunders got many of my comrades killed on Halo. I imagine a few humans share that animosity as well, given what that ring almost did to them and everything else in this Galaxy._

I think we're all more or less glad that ring was blown to shit, sir. That's another bit of common ground we share it seems.

 _Yes, I suppose. ... Humans are still scum though, just... well, not total scum I guess._

Fledgling steps, people, fledgling steps. We'll get together. Alright, lets get another call in. You, thoughts on the Forerunners?

 _Boz, Boz, don't hang up! This is important, man! So Important! It's all about the Forerunners and what they won't tell you! What no one will tell you!_

Son of... Juk! Again? I told you! Seek! Help! There is a shrink on the _Normandy_! For the love of the Ocean, listen to someone else besides the voices in your head already!

 _Why? So they can put me on their little pills and silence the truth? No way, pal! I ain't going down like that, not when I got too much to expose!_

Yes, because I'm sure being addicted to Sooka Sand is so much different from being medicated via prescription. Just because it is natural doesn't mean it is good for you. Have you ever heard of arsenic?

 _The Forerunners are a total lie, everything we've ever learned about them is totally fabricated! All of it, man!_

Yeah, we know, we lived it. Halo, Flood, potential end of all life in the galaxy, remember that? Trust me, that was NOT a hallucination.

 _Not that shit, man! I'm talking about what they really are! They weren't all powerful at all! They only got that way because they had been uplifted by their secret masters, the Andromedan Aquatic Reptiloids! They swore a secret pact with them eons ago, allowing them to rise to top of the galactic food chain. Then, when the Andromedans decided they had served their purpose, they sicked the Flood on them! That's where they came from! They forced the Forerunners to kill themselves and reset life in the galaxy? You know why? Because they wanted a clean slate, Boz! They wanted a clean galaxy that was not prepared to face them! The Andromedans are coming back, people! All of them! With the select few elite asshole Forerunners that were preserved in stasis as super soldiers for their armada! They're gonna come here and take us all over in a massive invasion, only we won't see it coming, because the Governments of the galaxy, oh boy, you better believe they already know. They already know and they're just making us all fight each other, softening us up, because they've made that same deal the Forerunners made, Boz! And we're gonna be the ones that pay for it!_

All riveting stuff, Juk. You'll probably get an amazing book deal out of it. Tell me though... the fuck do you want me to do about it? Sounds like we're already fucked if any of that is true.

 _Not if we all band together, head into the furtherest reaches of the Galaxy and hunker down in nature! We can totally survive out there in the fringe systems! They'd never find us! And when all those bastards eventually kill themselves with their own greed, we can rise back up and reclaim the world as our own!_

Where Sooka Sand is shared by all, sex with animals is legal and we can be naked whenever we want?

 _Whoa! How'd you know? Are you... are you reading my mind, Boz?_

No, Juk. I know about your plan because you never shut up about it. You constantly yap on about one way or another for us all to achieve utopia. Frankly, I wish you'd switch it up. It has gotten a little old. Also, I don't care what you say, that bestiality shit is gross. That sand is fucking with your head something severe, bud.

 _We are a part of nature, Boz! Don't deny it! The system just tries to cordon off our natural urge to join it because that's how it keeps us fighting over money! You got to see the light one day! One day before it's too late!_

If that day ever comes I really hope it is quick, I honestly do. Because if having sex with animals is how we achieve paradise in this Galaxy, I think I'd rather be dead. Goodbye, Juk! Go to rehab already! Ugh, on that note listeners, I think we need a heavy dose of reality. Like, hard reality. Make you sleep for days with the mother of all hangovers reality. Here's Judas Priest with "Down in Flames" for you all. It's what happened to that ship after all. Aliens from Andromeda? Kooky Sand fucks you so hard. Seriously, where does he even get all that Sooka out here?

 **[Song: Down In Flames by Judas Priest]**

 **If you even think about touching that dial, we'll keelhaul your ass! This is BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio! Where lawlessness is the law!**

 **[Song: Hall of the Mountain King by Savatage]**

Savatage, Hall of the Mountain King, again, I thought it was appropriate. Even though from what I can gather the song was about a troll of some kind. Not ancient spaceship. Ah well, same difference. Anyway, quick cut in right here. We have a direct announcement from our Shipermaster's Second. That's right, Retz is on the line. He's my boss as well as yours so do show some respect, please. Take it away, sir, you're on.

 _Thank you, Boz. I've decided to break my usual hands off policy with BBR. Zek and I put the idea forward, but it is ultimately Boz's baby. I didn't want to use it to make personal announcements or issue decrees, that was never its intended purpose. However, there has been a fair bit of scuttlebutt about things given current events. I'm here to lay these concerns to rest right here and now._

 _Yes, by technical lines of succession as outlined by the code, I am in command until Zek returns. However, it is only a temporary measure. Shipmaster Zek will come back in due time. If he does not, we are going to head in to find him. No, we are not just going shrug and move. No, sucking up to me because you think he's dead is not a good way to get my favor. I am the acting Captain, and I do not appreciate you treating my friend, your boss, our leader like he's already gone to the Grotto of the Abyss._

 _I suggest you all STOP making assumptions, because if he is alive, rest assured I will tell him about any further talk concerning your elation at his possible death. It will not go well for you. Until further notice, he is your Shipmaster and I will not tolerate insubordination while he is away._

 _Also, in other news, the galley is having a special tonight. We've combined the human food known as the hamburger with some of our own meat we have aboard. We've dubbed it the Colo Burger, I understand it is quite delicious. There will be a special presentation of a film called "Gamera: Defender Of The Universe." It involves a giant terrapin creature of some kind that shoots fire out its mouth and flies with rocket boosters in its shell. ... Okay, that sounds... intriguing. I do hope to see you all there. Now excuse me, I must get back to a program I'm enjoying. It is an animated series about some long-eared rodent and how he constantly screws over people who are all attempting to kill or inconvenience him. It is most hilarious. I do wish he didn't seem to have it out for so many birds though. Well, whatever. This is Retz, signing out. Keep up the good work, Boz._

Thanks, Retz, just doing my job. We'll be right back after this number everyone, don't go anywhere. We got a special segment coming up, another one of Zek's film reviews. For now though, let's keep the rock going!

 **[Song: Seasons In The Abyss by Slayer]**

 **The music you loot and plunder to, only on BBR! (Plasma Cannon Shot Sound Effect)Buzzard Buccaneer Radio.**

Boz the Buzzard here, bringing you another pre-recorded segment from our beloved Shipmaster. He may be down in that shipwreck doing Ocean knows what, but so long as it's making us rich I'm cool with it. Here's hoping we hear from him directly soon. Until then, let's remind you all what he sounds like. Today's segment actually involves something fairly relevant to today's mission, treasure hunting. So sit back and enjoy.

 **For many a young pirate, there's this persistent dream that it's not all blowing up transports and stealing whatever you can find inside. No, we all want the easy loot, the kind that's more or less just sitting there cause the idiot who left it behind died a long time ago. Buried treasure, ancient relics, they're the fantasy of many a pirate since before space travel was even a twinkle in someone's eye. Unfortunately, life is rarely like the holos. Not many people actually bury their investments anymore. Far too many pirates both old and new prefer to spend rather than save. But that doesn't mean treasure ain't out there, as our current course of action is proof enough. As you all know though, there are folks out there who hunt buried treasure for a living. Taq is one, and today I bring you the story of another, a human named Indiana Jones!**

" **Raiders of the Lost Ark" is an action packed treasure hunt involving the race to find and secure a powerful artifact. One that could shift the balance of power in favor of a bunch of douchebags called Nazis. I don't know what their deal is, but everything about them screams order, bureaucracy, militarized bullshit and a number of other things any self-respecting kig-yar hates. Think sangheili with their warrior cult garbage, but cranked up to full blast. They're after this ancient chest or something, called an Ark. It apparently holds some kind stone tablet thing with rules or whatever on it. I wasn't really paying attention to that part, it got into a bunch of religious stuff and I tuned out.**

 **But they did stress it was extremely valuable and could potentially be used as a weapon. So the guys who don't want the Nazis to get their hands on it go to Doctor Indiana Jones, a professor of Archaeology and noted treasure hunter. The vid even starts with him on a different treasure hunt where a lot of jerkwads backstab him in their attempts to cheat him out of his prize. Including one slimy turd called Belloq who plays it supremely unfair by enlisting the local Natives to help swipe the idol Indy was after right out of his hand. This guy is such a fucking tool, let me tell you.**

 **Indy survives that encounter, barely, and gets enlisted to go after the Ark. He takes up the job because, well, who wouldn't? Sounds like it pays extremely well. Knowing teaching salaries, assuming they're not much better on Earth, I'm guessing the paycheck for finding the Ark was too good to pass up. Along the way, Indy picks up an Ex-Girlfriend of his who has a piece of the puzzle that can help him find the Ark. Gotta say, their relationship kinda hits a little too close to home at times. So, yeah, let's just say it's very easy for me to sympathize with Jones in this movie. Sometimes too easy.**

 **What follows is pure high-stakes adventuring, the only kind worth embarking on. As Indy fights through Nazi goons left and right. He also shows once again there's a little bit of kig-yar in humans. I don't want to spoil much, but there's a scene with a swordsman that, honestly, I gotta try next time a sangheili tries to pull some of that "honorable combat" garbage. I tell ya, the action scenes in this vid are top notch. There's this fight involving this aircraft of some sort. Indy's up against this big bad ass muscle bound jerk, he knows he's outclassed, but he takes him on anyway. That's a guy determined to get his treasure, let me tell you. Again, I won't spoil how it ends, but it's a total gas! Could not stop laughing for a good while. Let's just say that inevitably the big Nazi couldn't make the "cut" in the end. Heh, heh. Oh, and there's this amazing chase sequence, where Indy has to take control of this truck while it's moving. For a teacher he's pretty damn good at hijacking cars let me tell you. Again, this human will just not quit! The more you try to keep him from his treasure the more pissed he gets! It's awesome!**

 **Speaking of, that music in this one, oh man! Perfect! As in they could not have captured the spirit of adventure more expertly than they did here. It's got this great rising action that just sustains this high level of drama until the very end. It really puts you in the mood to punch some dipshits in the face and go treasure hunting.**

 **Now, I can't give away the ending, because... holy, that was one way to end a vid. I feel like one has to see it to believe it. If I try to describe it, well, you're gonna think I'm fucking with you. I'll only say this, I really hope that the relic we're after does not have a "do not look" clause like the Ark has. I really, REALLY do. The ending is satisfying all the same, although I have to wonder why it seemed Indy felt so down. He completed the job, he obviously got paid for it. Hmm, maybe he's just sad he's not gonna get recognition for all the Nazis he punched to get it. I also don't get why his Government ain't using the Ark as a weapon or anything. Wasn't that the point of it? Again, trying not to give spoilers. Indy does come out on top on this though, he just doesn't seem as happy about it as he should be. No idea why. Then again, that's not much of a spoiler. If you know Indy, nothing is gonna keep him from getting his treasure. Fuck all the lame ass warrior cult douches in his way! Doctor Jones is going to beat your skulls in and raid all your tombs! Best just get out of the way honestly.**

 **Overall, "Raiders of the Lost Ark" is a terrific action piece about a treasure hunter who faces the odds, finds his prize and kicks a whole lot of ass getting to it. The whole vid just goes to show you, the hunt for fortune and glory ain't limited to one species. Let's hope our treasure hunting goes about half as well as Indy's did. This has been your Shipmaster Zek with another vid review. See you down at that shipwreck, boys!**

And here's hoping we see you again soon as well, Zek. And that you bring up a lot of treasure from that old hunk of junk with you. Okay, time to get back to the music. Here's another track I think you're all really going to love. This is Mastodon, only on BBR.

 **[Song: The Motherload by Mastodon]**

 **If you wake up smelling of ichor with a bloody cutlass in one hand and a bar wench in the other, congratulations! You're living the pirate life! BBR! Buzzard Buccaneer Radio.**

 **[Song: Holier Than Thou by Metallica]**

That was Metallica with Holier Than Thou and this is Boz the Buzzard, back with you again! We got a full hour of non-stop music coming up but first we- ... Oh hang on, we're getting some kind of call here. Uh, might be a request. Hello, you are on with Boz the-

 _Oh you gotta be kidding me! Of all the comm channels, this is what I connect to?_

Um, excuse me?

 _Ugh! Whatever! This is Cortana to all Surface operations! We have found the relic, I repeat, we have found the relic! We encountered some major resistance down here and we have wounded in need of treatment. Threat has been neutralized, but our ability to contact you was hampered! We are using the Forerunner's ship communication systems to boost our signal to you!_

Well, uh, good to hear from you guys! You found the doodad, huh? Sweet! Hey, is Zek with you?

 _He's fine, I don't have time for an interview right now. I need to brief Colonel Holland._

I understand that, but we've all been out of the loop a bit and we'd like an update. What did you mean before about resist-

 _Unless your name is Colonel Holland, please shut up. Can you connect me to him or not?_

Alright, alright, geez! Are all you humie Synths so pushy and angry?

 _I have had a trying day, Mr. Buzzard. I'm not really in the mood to say please and thank you right now. Holland. Now. Then you can get back to blasting music into everyone's eardrums._

I'm doing it, I'm doing it. Relax! Just give me a second, I got to ring up your secure line and patch you through. Ocean's Depths, Synths are so damn anal at times. They're always so uptight. It's probably because they know they can never get laid.

 _I heard that._

-End Transcript-

* * *

Mordin's Analysis: Subject group at this point exhibiting clear atheistic pattern. Kig-Yar society already documented as largely non-religious. Belief in higher power non-existent. Material world more valued than any spiritual reward. Space Pirates disdain for religion most assuredly amplified by treatment under Covenant. Thus anger and distrust of religion centered generally on Forerunner legacy.

Open hostility to religion not a roadblock to using it for personal gain. Sale of religious artifacts on black market evidence of that. Kig-yar will not turn down profit. Will seek to gain through the exploitation of the beliefs of others. Sacrilege a non-concern. Consequences of religious authority discovering actions more prevalent.

Explains attraction to favored music genre. Heavy Metal often critical of religious authority, if not religion itself. Kig-yar finding outlet for aggression bottled up for years. Music voices similar thoughts and feelings concerning religion. While songs do not reference Forerunners, similarities clear to pirates. Lyrics and themes remind them of suffered transgressions. Now free to explore those thoughts without consequence.

Suggestion, anger could be used to advantage. Grudge easy to play into. Stealing Forerunner artifacts from Covenant act of defiance. Promises profit. Would make it easier to convince Zek and others to act in our favor possibly. Would be reliant on situation, of course. Way to get them to do what we want nonetheless. Take into consideration. Perhaps devious course of action. Imagine kig-yar themselves would approve regardless.

* * *

Official Report:

Professor Solus' conclusions are fairly enlightening. The Forerunners have been a consistent sticking point for Zek's people. The Covenant forced them to worship a bunch of Gods they didn't believe in. That would be enough to anger anyone after a while. If it is possible to use this to our benefit, we should try. I'd personally like to manipulate them for a change, honestly.

Retz is clearly loyal to Zek, perhaps uncharacteristically so for his species. He did not use Zek's extended absence to seize more power for himself. Nor did he appreciate others trying to brown nose to him just in case he did end up being the permanent Captain. This is a rare admirable quality for a Jackal to possess. It's something to keep in mind. I don't know what exactly his motivations are, why he remains so loyal, but it's safe to say Retz will always be in his Shipmaster's corner. Whether that is good or bad we'll have to see.

Some of the men are clearly starting to get more comfortable around their former enemies. This is preferable to them always being at each other's throats, but I wouldn't assume anything. Cooperation is not the same as being friends. I think the men in general have just come to accept that the Jackals and batarians have no current reason to really betray us. Not now anyway. The animosity is still there, it's just not as prevalent. Perhaps Boz's little show is actually succeeding in normalizing this, frankly, bizarre situation. He's constantly speaking to everyone, human and alien alike, as if they're his friends. It makes him, and by proxy all Jackals, less of an other and more of a consistent presence in their lives. This is why more Marines are at ease contacting the station now than they were a few days prior. They're getting used to this.

I can't honestly claim I hate that. In a way I'm actually okay with this. The less we have to worry about open hostility between the factions the better. I think the recent Syndicate problem we had is proof enough we don't need UNSC personnel running around trying to settle grudges. We need to maintain order in this fleet, and for now that means cooperating with our strange bedfellows. But I highly stress this point, this does not make us allies nor friends. We have to maintain our guard with Zek and Varvok's people. Our interests align for now, we can't expect them to always stay that way.

For now, I think at the very least, this little "treasure hunt" we're on should keep the peace. The Jackals love to profit and if they think that playing nice will earn them a ton of cash, they'll keep playing nice. Which means less trouble for us in the long term, making it easier to get the remaining relics and keep them out of the hands of the Covenant. So long as we pay by the end, and I see no reason not to. I think the UNSC and ONI will forgive us for writing a paycheck to a shipload of pirates. We can't claim they didn't hold up their end of the bargain after all and it would do us no good gaining more enemies. Besides, having pirates on our side, ones that might enjoy harassing the Covenant once we go our separate ways, doesn't sound all that bad.

Shepard is right about one thing, it wouldn't hurt to keep them on our good side. So long as they remain on ours.

-Signed

Lt. Elias Haverson

Office of Naval Intelligence


	6. A Whale of a Tale

**Transcript Excerpt Five: Whale of a Tale**

 **(Heard it Through the Grapevine By CCR)**

 **You're listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival on Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, with your host Boz the Buzzard. BBR, we lay down the scurviest of tracks, all day, everyday. Why? Because no one can stop us from doing it! That's why!**

Hey there listeners, Boz here again, taking a station break from our little exposition of Creedence to get some calls in. I hope this easy going music has helped settle some nerves after the crap that went down in that wreck, because it's high time we start talking about some things. That last song in particular has me thinking about all this scuttlebutt going around. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, half the flotilla knows by now.

The Astral friggin Cutlass! Holy shit! That old salty sea legend just might end up being real! This is no bedtime story, mates. The Cutlass is apparently some kind of Ancient Forerunner artifact and we might just have a map to it! Crazy, huh? Now, I'm itching to find out what my fellow Kig-yar think about all this. I'm sure all of us at one point or another has thought about what it would be like to hold the Cutlass itself in your talons. Well, now that might just end up being a reality. So let's get your calls in, hear your thoughts. Is this real or unggoy shit? Oh my, the board is all lit up now! Let's get to answering. Caller One, what's your take on this?

 _Yeah, mom always did keep talking to me about the Cutlass. Favorite bedtime story of hers, she passed it along. I have half a mind to call her up and tell her that I might actually be looking for it._

What's keeping ya?

 _Me thinking she might try and beat us to it... also security protocols and junk. I don't like the idea of the humans monitoring outgoings._

Hey, with Snarlbeak and the Covies on our tails, probably best we don't transmit where we are. Okay, line two, you're on.

 _The Astral Cutlass is probably the most badass sword ever! Seriously, we get our hands on that shit, we're made for life!_

If it's real.

 _Course it's fucking real! You think the old birds from yesteryear would make that shit up all on their own? No one is that creative! Why make a bunch of pictures and funny drawings on walls and in books if it weren't real? I mean, what would be the point? Where's the profit in that? What would they have to gain?_

Lucrative merchandise deal. How many toys can you sell to hatchlings about a badass magic pirate sword? Chances are a lot. Okay, Line Three, your thoughts?

 _It's a sword that mother fucking sacked heaven! Mother fucking heaven! Fucking boss! That is so damn cool!_

Well, allegedly, that is just a song.

 _Let me have my fantasies, Boz! I've already learned the Ichor Wizard and the Golden Reef aren't real, let me have this one!_

Far be it from me to talk about taking away fantasies, but it's hard to believe in a pirate lord sacking the domain of the Gods. Unless that means it sacked the Forerunners, but that's just confusing to me. I mean, why would a Forerunner sack his own city or whatever?

 _Well maybe it wasn't a Forerunner? Maybe it was like, you know, a kig-yar! Yeah, what if like the kig-yar were actually super advanced! Yeah, they were super advanced in prehistoric times and somehow achieved like space travel and then they invaded Forerunner territory. But they lost and then the Forerunners like punished them by reverting us all to a primative state!_

You haven't been in the Sooka Sand too have you?

 _No! I'm not like Juk, I'm not an addict! I... I'm just saying maybe there's a precedent, Boz. Maybe we were actually like on the Forerunners' level and all that shit about the Sangheili being chosen and shit is garbage._

Nice to dream, but I don't think I really care if we were ever a match for those dead morons. I mean, it is kind of moot given how they all actually died. But hey, whatever floats your boat. Maybe the Cutlass did sack heaven... it would be badass if it did. Next Line!

 _This whole story sounds ridiculous. And back on Earth we have a holiday tradition about a dude in a red suit who delivers presents to good little boys and girls in one night._

Does he rend whole fleets in two and defy Gods regularly?

 _Not really, no._

Then maybe you need to upgrade your myths a bit, make them more metal as fuck, as you would say.

 _Look, all I know is that it's a lot crazy shit to base a whole mission on. Going back to Reach? That's all the scuttlebutt is about now. We barely escaped that place alive, seems like we're headed back for really dumb reasons._

Technically from what the rumors claim, there's more than one reason we're going back. Not all of them related to us mind you.

 _I'm just letting everyone know, we did not have fun last time we were on Reach. A lot of Marines are going to get pretty emotional about going back there. Not in a good way either. I'm not sure anyone really wants to have to go back down there. Which is why I'm really hoping this is a Spartan only Op. I mean, it's what they were born to do, right?_

That's above my paygrade, sir. I just jockey tunes. I'm sure the Spartans can more than handle whatever shit is thrown their way down there though. I wouldn't worry about them. Speaking of tunes though, time to get back to the music. We're still working our way through CCR, time to roll another song onto the airwaves. And with Reach on our minds again, I got a song about our continued journey through the stars. This is "Up Around the Bend", only here on BBR.

 **(Up Around the Bend by CCR)**

 **After a day of pillaging, why shouldn't you relax a bit? Pull up a chair, lay back and keep listening to Buzzard Buccaneer Radio. Because you've earned it swabby.**

 **(Hey, Tonight by CCR)**

Yeah, tonight and every night, BBR brings you the rock you need. This is your host Boz the Buzzard, still working through our showcase of Creedence Clearwater Revival. Little something about these guys, I've been researching them. Yes, I can read. I got an education, unlike most of you. See, their musical tastes apparently were a lot more diverse than you imagine. They had their ears tuned to all kinds of human genres, emphasizing the highs and lows, the up tempo and the down bass. They drew inspiration from stuff like country music and soul and blues. That's a lot of differentiated styles. And hey used that to speak to everyone who listened, no matter their creed or origin. I like to think of us like that, you know? A bunch of different people of different backgrounds all drawn together like some kind of... I don't know, extended flock of birds, not of a feather, but of a purpose. Mainly in wanting to ruin the Covenant's day, but also united in our desire to live our lives how we wish to live them.

I don't know, maybe it's the sauce talking, maybe it's just all these good vibes from the music... it's probably the sauce. I've had quite a few Ichor Rum Chasers by now. What do you people think? You think we're friends now? Call on Line One, answer please.

 _Fuck you._

Okay, I walked into that one. Hey you know, whatever. We're getting there. I like to think we're all just one happy little flock. Even flocks can bicker and squawk at each other. It happens! Anyway, let's get back to the tunes then. This is "Proud Mary", keeping the big wheels turning on this road trip through the stars. Keep it here on BBR, but then again... what else you gonna do? HA!

 **(Proud Mary by CCR)**

 **BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, where the pirate life is the only life. Eat, drink, be merry, and listen to the rock. All day and night.**

 **(Travellin' Band by CCR)**

The CCR Showcase keeps rolling on easy like, but we got some time to kill before the next back to back. So let's see what's happening around the fleet shall we? Okay, first up, we have a Sergeant Sternberg in the UNSC Marine Corps, it's his birthday today. Like hatch day, but with no egg because mammals are weird like that. Happy Birthday, Sergeant. Here's hoping it has been worth celebrating.

Next, something for the _Normandy_ crew, Thomas Hawthorne has set up a small sports game thingy in sector eight portside of the _Ascendant Justice's_ overgrown belly of a hangar bay. Plenty of room to throw around something called a pigskin... huh, sounds more like something to eat than throw. Well, whatever, if you want to join in sign up fast because there's no telling when they'll have enough free time to do this again.

Lastly a quick warning from Taq about trying to get weapons out of the desecrated bodies of the creepy robot things that tried to kill us. The message reads simply... "Don't", as quick and to the point as ever. If you're unaware, apparently the weapons those robots used are located inside their cranial cavity. However, it is tricky to get them out of there and Taq doesn't want anyone to accidentally destroy the guns inside because people get all grabby over them. So, again, don't.

Now to take some calls, I wanna hear your thoughts on the going ons about the ship. Maybe someone has some news to share, maybe some personal thoughts. I'm taking it easy today, why don't you? Call one, you're on. Anything going on with you?

 _Just thinking about Reach, it's all anyone can think about. It's... it's not the best experience remembering a whole planet getting glassed. Not sure how that runs in Covie circles, since it seemed to be your favorite thing to do._

We've never glassed a planet, sir. Corvettes mainly watch as the bigger ships do that. We're basically fire support. Now, I can understand if you have animosity towards us. But like I keep telling every other Marine who calls in... we didn't really do much on Reach. We arrived pretty late to the party with the bulk of the taskforce. All we really did was fly low on search patterns for possible military installations and we found none. Mainly because Zek circled around to see if there was anything left worth salvaging. You know, parts on the black market?

 _I'm not sure if that makes it better, but that's not my point. I'm not here to cause a scene or anything, I'm just trying to see if you guys get it. That this isn't about a treasure hunt for us. Sure, that might be cool on the surface, but we're dealing with heavier shit. Do you know what happened on Reach?_

Same as always, the Covenant flew in and murdered a whole planet because it thinks humans are abominations for some reason and need to be cleansed. It's stupid and makes no sense, but that's how they operate.

 _You didn't get to see Reach like it was. You arrived late, like you said. There were homes there, lives. A thriving community of people, good people. You didn't see that from space. Or in your ship. We did. We saw all of it._

Well, I'm sorry you had to endure that, sir.

 _I'm not looking for pity. I'm not here to shame you. I'm not petty. I just want you to know, we went through hell down there. A meat grinder. A lot of friends did not make it out with us. More friends didn't make it off Halo. We're all that's left of a few soldiers who experienced that hell. All that's left of a company of Marines and Army guys who fought like hell to just get out of there alive. Us going back is like asking us to return to the house where our parents were murdered. You understand? It's not a vacation for us._

I honestly think a few of our people can relate to the situation. We... we lost a lot of good people too on Halo. Quite a few of them to the Flood.

 _So did we, no one's special. Everyone has lost someone. But I hope you can at least understand. When we get angry, when we're pissed about the shit we're going through, it comes from a place we were stuck in. Now we're going back there and none of us are particularly happy about that. That's all I want to say right now. Thank you for your time._

Thank you for sharing, sir. I know this can't be easy. But, in our lives, nothing ever is. Pirates and soldiers don't get that luxury. Another thing we have in common in my mind, adversity. How we deal with it. Mainly by killing it dead. Anyway, let's get back the CCR Showcase, put ourselves in better spirits. Here's one that think might connect with a few people's fears about all this. "Tombstone Shadow", next on BBR.

 **(Tombstone Shadow by CCR)**

 **Piracy means never having to give anything back, but that doesn't mean we can't share in the spoils. Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, give us your ear and we'll give you the tunes. Now that's a fair business transaction. Here's another classic, straight from us to you.**

 **(It Came Out of the Sky by CCR)**

Call me sentimental, but I'm getting rather nostalgic with all these songs. I don't know, could be all that talk of Reach and what it meant to the humans. Or maybe it's because I grew up in the sticks and this feels like it speaks to me, you know? So, for just like a minute, let's try and talk about home. Yeah, yeah, I know, a pirate's home is his ship, but you know what I mean. Home, as in homeworld, Eayn. Been a long time since a lot of us have seen the place, we'll probably never go back. I mean, the Covenant aren't gonna want us around there, that's for sure. We're pretty much stuck in space. I imagine a few of us got some memories of Eayn, back before we joined up with the Covies or became crooks or whatever. So, why don't we open the Lines and share some? You know what, why not have everyone join in? Share memories of home, guys. Wherever you're from. Let's actually get to know one another damn it! I mean, we're living together, why not share? Line One, you're on.

 _Eayn, I haven't been back for years. I still dream about it though. Boz, you remember the jungles? You remember the heat? Felt good. Nothing like space, so much more... inviting. I prefered living out in the rainforest, further from everyone, everything. Just quiet. Peace._

I stayed in the jungles for a while myself, but more or less we always ended up headed to the city outskirts. I always wondered what it would be like to live in a treehouse when I was a kid though.

 _All I know is that it was the perfect place to hide and make bootleg ichor! Granted, not as good as the pure stuff. But whatever gets you drunk right?_

I suppose, although the first time I tried any of that stuff I went blind for a whole day. So I got a bias.

 _You got a bad brand then, Boz. There's an art ot the bootleg system. It really depends on what substitute animal you use. I mean, you don't got the luxury of Chorkas nearby. At least not the fresh stuff. Only the best booters can head down river, get to the ocean and get back with some ichor for any kind of mix. But the ingenuity of someone who can figure out how to make something just as good without Chorkas is undeniable. I don't miss the bugs though. The itching every other night was a bitch._

Well that's one improvement concerning space travel, no bugs. Caller on Line Two, you got a homeworld story?

 _Yeah, I grew up in a port town. Let me tell you, I always prefered the action of urban life. Every dive, every scum sucking hole in the wall, there was history to all the nooks and crannies. It's where history was made! Where all the best land gangs became legends, the Alley Slicers, the Dockside Sleekers, and of the course best damn crew in town, the Tunnel Razors! We had sweet jackets and an emblem of a Razorfin on'em! No one fucking messed with us!_

Uh, I heard the local Covenant Military Enforcement Division did.

 _Oh, they were nothing! Assholes got their patrol units all marked up by us regularly. We out drove, out ran and out fought those bitches everywhere. Truth is we just got bored and left after a while, decided we needed a better challenge._

That's an interesting way of saying your hideouts were burned, several of your leaders hung up in the streets and when you left the planet they shot some of your escape ships out of the sky.

 _Hey, whatever. That just proves we pissed them right the fuck off. Tunnel Razors Rule!_

Riiiiigggght, okay, anyone else with a story of homelife? Line Three, you're on.

 _Yeah, um, I was in the city in the North for my formative years... but later on for reasons that were totally not my fault and were charges that were compeltely false, totally a misunderstanding... I had to go south._

Oh Ocean, the souhern continent? With the Ibie'shans?

 _The same, more lizard than bird, honestly. They're like... swamp people. Bunch of bumpkins, which would make things easier if they were stupid. But they're not. They're as smart as any kig-yar... but they got more muscle and more aggression. They're freaky, Boz. Really freaky. Like they look at you and you wonder... maybe they want to eat me or hell, they probably just want to practice shooting._

They can't be all bad. I mean, I know they're kinda... scary looking... but they're still us. They're still kig-yar.

 _I lived with one in the same shack for over a year. He liked using energy daggers to carve friggin symbols into his skin. And he made me watch too, cause he was a fucking werido. Sometimes he took me out hunting. He liked injuring the prey before killing it dead. Said he wanted to look into their eyes and watch the soul leave._

Okay, that is... disturbing. But, I'm sure there were normal ones around.

 _Relatively normal by his standards. Thing is, they knew they were beefier, so they could push you around more. And because they were smart they liked fucking with ya mentally, they knew they freaked you out so they used that against you. Made you pay for tabs, give them a ride, marry them after a one night stand._

Uh, say what now?

 _Look, I got into their heavy ichor, I thought she looked way less bulky. She took me home and on top of not being able to walk straight for a week, I had to either marry her or she'd get all her brothers to pound me into paste!_

How'd you get out of that one?

 _Why do you think I answered the "crew wanted" ad back in the day?_

Oh, well in hindsight the answer is obvious. Okay, next call, homeworld story, Line Four, you're talking to Boz.

 _Well, I'm human, so my homeworld isn't the same as yours._

Hey, I said all homeworld stories are welcome.

 _Well, I come from Earth, directly. I know most other people here are from inner colonies or the like. But, I'm from Earth. Honestly, my life wasn't too different from some of your other Callers. I was never in a gang, never really took part in any crime, but I did grow up in some lower ends of the cities back home._

Do tell, within reason of course. Security you know.

 _Yeah, well, cities have gotten way bigger over the years, but more built up than out in some place. Smaller towns back in the old days, they've become bigger. I guess that's why so many leave for colonies, no more space back home really. Eventually, someone has to fill the lower reaches. We were on the cusp of all that. Not the best place to be honestly._

How'd you make it by?

 _Odd jobs mostly when I was young. Eventually though, the money wasn't enough and with the war going on and rations and all that... you inevitably had to accept the writing on the wall. So I joined up._

What's it like volunteering for a cause? Kig-yar aren't used to that, we either get paid or we get forced.

 _It's a lot more noble, more purposeful. I feel like I belong to something greater than myself. I have an extended family, people who watch my back. Never had that before. I guess it might sorta be like a gang, but we're not shaking down people or anything. We're here to protect our home, help it survive, give hope to humanity and all that._

And you believe that? It ain't just propaganda?

 _Not to me, not to a lot of guys. Not after Reach. Look, I get you and your fellow birds, they got forced into being the Covenant's lap dogs and then you bit them. But... well, your home is still there and probably will be for years to come. Even if you don't want to go back it's still there. Earth? The Covenant are on the front doorstep to it now. Everyone knows it. This is more than just our survival here, it's about humanity's. If you don't fight the Covies, you get to live. No consequences there. But... well, we don't got the option. We gotta fight or we're dead. I keep hearing you birds go on about freedom, how important it is to you. Well... we don't got that yet. Not until the Covenant back off. We don't have the same luxuries you do._

I can see your point, human. I truly can. I don't think many of us will argue you got it rougher. But this ain't our rumble. At least I don't think it is. I mean, if you had the option to back out if we were the ones in trouble, if Eayn was going to get glassed... would you rush in to save us?

 _I can't really answer that, and I'm not trying to convince you to do something like that for us. But, I just felt like letting you know our side. We do kinda want the same things, but our fight is going to be a lot more protracted and bloody and hellish before it's through. I guess I'm saying, try not to take the freedom you got for granted. As bad as it might have been working for the Covenant, try being their enemy for as long as we have._

Well, we are their enemies now. I know we're not friends at least. If it's any consolation though, part of me does hope this Astral Cutlass can do all they say it can. And, maybe it can give your Earth a new lease on life when it cuts through the Covie fleet.

 _That's a nice sentiment, but I think I'd prefer a more tangible super weapon to something in an old sea tale. Halo was supposed to be a superweapon after all and look how that turned out._

Heh, a fair point once more. Alright, let's get on to the next Caller. Line Five, you've got the comm, squawk away.

 _Oh, um, sorry I guess I hit a wrong connection._

Who is this?

 _Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, I was just half listening to the show while I worked. I was actually trying to contact someone for an update. I've been a bit disoriented lately, I probably contacted the wrong frequency and didn't check._

Well, no need to hang up, why not join the conversation?

 _I probably wouldn't have much to add, I... my people don't have a home planet like most of you. Well, we had one-_

Oh, right, I heard about that. Sorry... but how about you just talk about where you quarians live now. I hear it's kinda like our little fleet.

 _Hmm, not exactly. It's not cross-species like this situation. But, there are similarities. The quarian live aboard a flotilla, we call it the Migrant Fleet. We travel the stars, gathering resources and at times trying to find a decent home. It's a bit difficult given our... less than sufficient immune systems._

Yeah, you guys wear envirosuits like the Unggoy, except you can breathe the air just fine. It's the stuff in it that will kill you.

 _Well more likely it will make us sick, it depends on what we breathe in. It's complicated, more akin to an allergic reaction that contracting a disease. It was always a bit of a problem, but the sterile environments of the Flotilla's ship just exacerbated it._

They're nice looking suits at least, I've seen some images. Watched a few... quarian centric films in my off time.

 _Oh, really? Like what?_

Oh there was this one where a bunch of quarians pull off a heist to get this thing they need from some warlord to help their Captain. Fun ride, called "The Zen'Qual Job", I think.

 _Ah, well to be fair, not all quarians are thieves. No more than the usual amount. Most of us are just well-meaning people trying to make our way in the galaxy._

Well this was technically a more positive portrayal. I mean, they kinda needed that item to rescue the Captain's daughter from those crooks.

 _Yeah, but supposedly it was because the Captain used to run with their crew when he was on his pilgrimage and it came back to haunt him. It's a bit of a mixed bag._

Pilgrimage, that's your adulthood thing, right? You guys go out into the galaxy and... find stuff to take back home?

 _More or less... but we don't steal it. We earn it._

Not implying anything. Our old ways had a neat rite of passage too. We had to go out into the ocean, navigate a storm and come back safely. Now a days it's mostly shoot this thing from a fifty yards away or some kind of strategy game against your mother.

 _So, is that how you become true pirates? You beat your mothers at chess?_

Nah, our rite of passage was the same as Zek's. We plundered our first cargo hauler!

 _Right, of course, silly me._

So, how's the _Normandy_ looking? Bet you're happy to be back aboard after the shit that went down in the _Dauntless_ , right?

 _Oh it's good to be back in an engine room. Especially one that isn't crawling with killer robots. I have to say though, the experience was... bracing. There's certainly more to Taq than there seems. She's a very capable and intelligent female. Reminds me a bit of a friend of mine._

Heh, our own Shipmaster dated her for a reason. So, what are you working on down there in the engine room?

 _Special project, I imagine some of your people already know about our attempts to merge our Mass Effect technology with your Slipspace drives. It's slow going, but we're making progress._

Meaning human ships might end up being faster than the Covies before we know it?

 _Well, maybe not all right away, but with the right components they could be. For now, this is mostly a way for us to travel more independently on our own, away from the fleet. We can be of more use if we don't have to constantly concern ourselves with docking all the time with the_ Justice _just to get around._

I suppose the Huragoks you acquired are helping out a lot? Most of the engineering crew aboard our ship are jealous.

 _They have good reason to be, they are amazing creatures. But given everything you've been through on your ship, everyone should be impressed with how you've managed to keep it working without them. Especially with all the upgrades and additional systems you've added to it. I keep trying to get permission to get an eye on the specs, but we're still working out the details._

Well you're welcome aboard any time, Ms. Zorah. We're a very welcoming group of vagabonds ourselves.

 _Heh, that must be a rarity among you pirates._

We're one of a kind. I imagine you're aware of that by now.

 _I think I am. Now I need to get back to work. Nice talking to you, Mr. Buzzard._

Call me Boz, Mr. Buzzard is my father. Heh. Anyway, nice hearing from you, Ms. Zorah. Now, I think we've been away from the music long enough. Let's get on the interstellar highway with CCR. This one is going out to our friend from before, who had to endure the swampy south. Just a little old fashioned nostalgia trip we like to call "Born on the Bayou," only here on BBR.

 **(Born on the Bayou by CCR)**

 **Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, the rock might not have been ours, but it is now. Thanks, Joker! We owe you one! He's another hit from the archives of Earth, straight to you!**

 **(Green River by CCR)**

We're back talking and squawking folks. Boz the Buzzard here once again, hoping you're enjoying the Creedence Clearwater Revival Showcase today. We got more from them coming up, but I felt like we should get a better picture of exactly what the Astral Cutlass really is. A lot of you have heard the story by now, but here's someone who can better fill us in on things. Our resident Forerunner expert, Taq! Always good to hear your voice, ma'am.

 _As yours, Boz._

So, let's cut to the chase. The Astral Cutlass... for real?

 _All evidence suggests so. If I had an actual legal career as an archeologist to stake I'd bet it. This is a weapon that has fascinated pirates for longer than any kig-yar can remember. Even those who do not follow the pirating creed know of it. Until now, many simply wrote it off as a child's story, that only the exceptionally mad or foolish believed it._

Were you ever one of them?

 _I learned pretty fast, skulking around Forerunner ruins, that legends and fairy tales aren't always wild fantasy. There is more truth in them than one would suspect. There were some who even doubted Halo's existence, just not in public of course._

Right, right, but still... the song-

 _The song is a fanciful sea shanty sung by half drunken sailors that were out in the sun too long eating pickled vegetables and rancid fruit. They embelished. The original texts for the legend are far more simpler to digest. Supposedly, there was a great pirate lord in ancient times, so powerful that no navy or army could face him and live. He could not be caught and he could strike at any time. The source of his power was a blade, said to be forged in the heavens themselves. How he acquired it no one knows, but he did eventually use it against someone truly powerful. Powerful enough to retain the distinction of a God._

The Forerunners.

 _Likely, unless there was another group of Gods running around out there. I hear the humans have a few. Nevertheless, for his crime, the pirate was beset on all sides by the unyielding wrath of celestial might. Needless to say, it ended badly for him. Even with all his power, he was no match for this enemy, they simply overwhelmed him in due time. It's not said how, but I suspect even the Astral Cutlass has its limits or even a weakness. Perhaps sacking heaven drained it of its power. The sword was taken, its power locked away and the location of the blade lost to history._

So is this sword metaphorical or what then? If it's Forerunner, it has to be some kind of energy weapon, right?

 _It could be a ship or device, plasma weapon, maybe it really is a sword, I don't know for certain. I highly doubt though that it looks anything like our regular energy cutlasses though. The depiction of the thing in the texts looks like a radiating blade, stronger, brighter and bigger than anything we've been able to create. Then again, best not to put too much stock in pictures. The story iself was likely distorted over the millenia._

People have gone after the Cutlass before though. Back when everyone thought it was still on Eayn.

 _Oh yes, there are many well documented stories of the search for the Cutlass by Golden Era Kig-Yar pirates. Further back than even the Covenant's formation. Supposedly, whole fleets of ships searched for the Cutlass, following clues and little scraps of information. Most of them ended up false, but it didn't stop many a pirate from waging war with one another if it meant finding it. You have to remember, it was a brutal time back then. We hadn't even discovered modern medicinal techniques, we were still using bandages and wooden splints or replacing blown off legs with crude custom appendages. Whole fleets burned killing each other over silly legends and stories._

Did anyone think they got close?

 _One pirate felt she did, her name was Rutk-Kul. She and her clan, "The Hurricane Riders", travelled far wide across the great ocean. They got their name for slipping into the worst of storms to escape pursuit from their enemies. Everyone always suspected they'd die in there and never be seen again. But they always made it out, whoever followed them never did. Rutk-Kul wanted to find the Astral Cutlass in order to cement her legend and set out on a quest to do so. She ended up circumnavigating the globe, documenting her voyage within her journal in painstaking detail. She ended up finding what she believed to be an ancient ruin, where she theorized the Cutlass had once resided when it was on Eayn._

 _However, it was long gone. Rutk-Kul was disappointed, but she did not seem to mind the failure. She concluded the blade had returned to the stars and that could still be found. She ended her journal prophesizing that one day, "Kig-yar will touch the sky and embark from this world to plunder the stars. By the will of the void and the ocean, perhaps in our search for fortune, we shall also find glory. The Astral Cutlass waits for us beyond our tiny world, a great adventure for those past my own time. May the winds find them favor." She died ten years later in comfort, on a island she retired to with all the riches she had plundered in her search for the sword._

You seem to admire her, if you don't mind me saying.

 _Rutk-Kul was more than a Pirate Queen, she was a symbol of what our species is capable of. She was an explorer, a visionary with a cunning mind. She foresaw a time when even we would reach to the stars. When we would become one with the cosmos and expand into the black void. Also she was the subject of some of my mother's expeditions. We were searching for Ancient ships she had sunk or had belonged to her fleet. So, yes, I do admire her abilities._

And she was the first one to suggest the Cutlass was somewhere in space? Very forward thinking for her time period.

 _Like I said, visionary. Of course, by the time we did reach the stars we were caught up in more selfish pursuits and ordinary concerns. And then the Covenant showed up. So interest in our own stories and legends fell by the wayside the stupidity of their ridiculous cult took over everything. What we have here is a chance to complete a quest that was started by kig-yar long before us. It's practically our birthright._

You think we stand a shot at finding it now? It's been way longer than I imagine most would think of even bothering.

 _With these humans and the other aliens at our sides, I'd be more surprised if we didn't find anything. This is more concrete evidence and proof that the Cutlass is out there than anyone ever had, more than even Rutk-Kul. We can't just let it slip us by._

We wouldn't be able to call ourselves pirates if we did. Now then, let's get back to the music. And because we're talking so much about wonder and adventure and all that, how about something that evokes that feeling we all had as kids? Back when we were all thinking of treasure hunts like Rutk-kul did. This is "Lookin' Out my Back Door" on the CCR Showcase.

 **(Lookin' Out my Back Door by CCR)**

 **Buzzard Buccaneer Radio is your one stop frequency for all your classic rock needs. Here's another hit on our CCR Showcase, so pour another round and sit back, mates.**

 **(Down on the Corner by CCR)**

Okay, okay, we're back, sorry to interrupt again, but we've just gotten a HUGE info dump from up top! That ship we engaged on patrol? Turns out, it had some interesting cargo! Get this, mates, Zek has just reported this to Retz directly. There were Chorka on board! You heard me, Chorka! Holy crap! This is amazing! They're just babies, but Zek is thinking this is how Zhoc runs his bootlegging operation, like he just carts around pods of these guys all over the galazy or something! And these little guys were going to their next stop for that. Well we just liberated them! You were all worried about running out of Ichor? We just got ourselves an unlimited supply! So call in, Lines open quick thoughts and questions, I'll try to tell you what I can! Oh shit, the board is totally lit up! Okay, rapid fire, let's get through this, one!

 _Ocean be praised, please tell me there's a bunch of them!_

About three or four from what the latest report says. That's a good chunk of ichor each, Line Two!

 _Do we know from which part of the ocean they're from? What kind of current? We gotta know!_

We'll find out when we can, all we know is we have them. Next?

 _How old are they? The alcohol content depends on age! Entirely on age! We got babies or juveniles? Are we dealing with soft or hard here?_

They appear to be past their toddler phase, but if you combine enough of the extract together you can actually make a decent beer. We just need the right equipment. Next!

 _Do we have recipes? Snarlbeak's vintage has all kinds of flavors, totally different quality. We can't get the same stuff out of it without the right recipes._

From what I understand not really, but I'm sure we can pull some ideas of our own out what we get. The point is we have them and we won't go thirsty! Next Line!

 _This is the greatest thing that had ever happened in the history of ever!_

Indeed it is, now, next call?

 _Okay, what is the big friggin deal with this damn ichor? Seriously, it's all you birds go on about! It can't be that good, can it? It's... wart bile and shit._

Ah, an uninformed human. Well my good, man-

 _Private Dunn, please just explain what is up with this shit you drink?_

Simple, while most people are aware of beer and processing it into a delicious compound to consume, ichor from Chorka is naturally alcoholic. Kinda like fermented fruit, but from an animal source, not a plant one. From what we can tell, it comes from their diet, little plants and stuff they eat down there in the deep. Small fish that also eat said plants, that sort of thing. It gets reprocessed into their system and comes out their blisters. Said blisters cover their whole body, they're not exactly pretty. Thing is, they're not really blisters, they're glands. Oversized glands that essentially secrete enzymes from their body. They use it for multiple things, attracting food, confusing predators, mating season. We're not sure how or when, but far back in history our earliest sea faring ancestors discovered you could drink the stuff and get super buzzed.

 _So, what? They couldn't drink sea water so they started sucking on whale warts?_

That is the popular theory, I mean, long voyage, nothing to drink... you see a bunch of sunbathing sea mammals with some kind of goo pouring out their backs you get desperate. Just makes sense. Over time we discovered better ways to get the stuff and refine it, much like your own brews and beers. Which are... nice. They're not bad... but not as hard as Ichor honestly.

 _Are you saying your whale goo is somehow better than regular old human beer?_

I'm not saying it, I'm just stating fact. Don't take offense to it.

 _Oh it is on, I am going to find some ichor, I'm going to drink it and see how long it takes for me to lose my shit! I can down a dozen beers and not feel a thing! Your whale slime ain't got nothing on us!_

We heartily accept your challenge, Private Dunn. In the meantime, we have another piece of news from our shipmaster. Zek has another vid review and we're here to share it with you all. Take it away pre-recorded Captain!

 **Is it just me or do I have swords on my mind? I mean, we're all a bit sword crazy right now I think. Swords are a big deal with us pirates and we got out fair share of sword stories. Little did I know until now that so do humans. And it's not all with pirates either, they got all kinds of people who use blades back on Earth. Take this vid I saw recently, Highlander.**

 **So get this, there's this ancient group of immortals who have existed for a long time. They train for centuries and shit, learning how to be badass with swords. Why? Because the only way they can die is if someone decapitates them. Try as you might, I've seen them human guns... not many are good at cleaving heads. So if they don't use swords they can't do the killing. Why would they want to kill each other? Why not mind their own damn business? What other reason? Friggin profit! Something called the prize! Slice up enough fellow Immortals until you're the only one left and you get supreme knowledge over all things! Talk about cutthroat competition. Heh, sorry, couldn't help myself.**

 **We follow one of these Immortals specifically, human by the name of Duncan McCloud. Cool name, even cooler at cutting down dipshits like they weren't nothing. Weird he don't sound much like the people in his little tribe though, his accent sounds... funny. Not the funny way it should, just different funny from the rest of the people around him. Eh, that's not really important.**

 **What is important, is that whenever you kill an immortal he friggin explodes into a damn lightning storm! I probably should've mentioned that earlier, but it's the first thing we see of McCloud. He kills a guy and the whole fucking building he's in starts jumping with electric bolts and exploding cars! Then we cut back to his past life, him learning about his role as an immortal, how he's going to live out all his loved ones, how he needs to prepare to fight other immortals, all from this apparently Egyptian-Spanish fellow who talks a lot more like the people McCloud's tribe is made up of than he does.**

 **Okay, all that is really confusing. But again, not important. What is important is that the Immortals are fucking swordwielding badasses! And the baddest of them all is this fucking mega freak of nature called the Kurgan. Think Sangheili on whatever they feed Jiralhanae in the body of a human. He's this baritone fucking beast of a bad guy who has it out for our hero for some reason and is intent on winning the prize. And he's got the perfect opportunity, cause the Immortals are all converging. It's called the Gathering, like the ultimate duel. By the end of it, only one Immortal is going to be left and McCloud needs to either seize the prize for himself or let the asshole Kurgan take it.**

 **These two are on a collision course cause they got a history, as immortals probably would being able to live forever. Kurgan just keeps goading McCloud into fighting him, like tormenting him and everyone close to him. And it's all leading up to this huge confrontation where they're just gonna throw down.**

 **Of course, before that the two are in this temple or something, but they can't kill each other. Something about Holy Ground being forbbidden. I guess you gotta have your safe zones when everyone is after your head, literally. But why a temple? Makes no sense, especially when folks like the Kurgan have no respect for it. Maybe being an atheist and an alien to human culture just makes it harder for me to understand. Kurgan though, he's got this whole spiel that I have to admire in this scene alone. I mean, his utter disdain for religion is admirable at least, as is his pursuit of singular profit. He's a douche about it though, that's a bit far. But hey, he's got a point at least, it is better to burn out than fade away.**

 **That's what this whole story is about really, it's about putting your neck on the line. The fact you can't hide from the call of adventure or when death is staring at you in the beak. You need to go after that prize, that goal, before someone else gets it. Someone who don't deserve it or will fuck you up with it. So when you have a chance to hide or fight, when the stakes are something so damn powerful, you gotta go for it. That's our life is about. We see something, we gotta take it. Ancient sword or infinite knowledge, if the prize is worthy enough to die over, then it's worthy to claw, bite, kick and kill over. McCloud's journey in this vid is one of discovering the ultimate goal, the one so many have dreamed about, the one that was always beyond their grasp. Now he has the opportunity to take it and when push comes to shove, he goes for the fucking gold. I hope we can all learn from this vid... and have fun watching some kick ass sword action. This is Zek approved!**

Well, that's another vid on our watch list folks. Now, it's getting late and I think you've heard enough of me talking. So, for the next couple hours, just straight on non-stop music. Keep it here on BBR in any case, he're Midnight Special to sing you off into the night.

 **(Midnight Special by CCR)**

* * *

Mordin's Notes: Jackal culture values more than just credits. Knowledge of past is revered. In some circles at least. Legends of their heritage clearly important. Loss of species identity most likely cause. Covenant subjugation forced cultural shift. Outlaws now only ones who remember past. Become arbiters of culture. Fascinating. History and myth, not usually important to criminals. Have elevated pirate folklore and stories. Last bit of heritage they own. Only thing they can own that wasn't stolen. Only thing purely theirs.

Chorka similar. Part of history. Part of Kig-yar technological progression. Allowed them to conquer ocean. Spread out. Fed adventurous spirit. Got them drunk also. Taken away when Covenant arrived. Tradition of Chorka Ichor refining and drinking wholly their own. Go to extreme lengths to protect it.

Noted somewhat melancoly tone. Some Jackals miss home. Not Theirs anymore. Taken. Left homeworld to find new purpose. New family. New home. Again, one they can own. Independent of Covenant. Interesting paradox. Jackal history fraught with theft. Taking of others property. Truthfully only real desire to hold onto what was taken from them. To retain what little they can claim is truly theirs alone.

* * *

Professors Solus' analysis lines up with my own. The Jackals are clearly more like the pirates of our history than we gave them credit for. They do not have a country of their own, they abandoned it. Lost it. All they have left is memories of when they were greater, when they sailed across the sea and stars taking whatever they desired. Their Golden Age is dead and the Covenant killed it. Their only motive now is to try and recreate that in some small way.

This Astral Cutlass is clearly part of that. It is a symbol of what they strive to be. Fearless, independent and wide reaching. They want the Cutlass to be real more for what it represents rather than what it actually is. It is a symbol of the power they could wield.

I'm skeptical of the actual existence of this blade, but given all I know now about the Forerunners I am open to the possibility. I'm just not sure if it is wise to go after it. Keeping the artifacts out of the hands of the Covenant, that I agree with. Returning to Reach itself is the best course of action to accomplish several objectives. The sword itself? It might be more trouble than it is worth. We don't have time to deal with a treasure hunt now, at least not more than we're prepared to handle. We have an Earth to get back to and save. Zek and his crew lost their world, but I have no intention of living out on a ship for the rest of my life, seeing it as the only country I can call my own. Mostly because the Covies glassed the real one.

That's the difference between us really, more than anything else. The Jackals have already given up on their home. Willing to squeak out a semblance of what it once was for them, a simulation. Us? We're not ready to call it like they are.

We'll see how things develop, for now, making sure the Covenant don't get something like what we uncovered within the _Dauntless_ is more important than anything. If it is another power source akin to the relic that we now possess appears to be, I'd shudder to think what would happen with it once plugged into a Covenant Plasma Cannon. And that is presuming it is another power source and not something far worse.

The Chorka are a new wrinkle, but not entirely one without some benefit. Zek is going to need assistance to keep those creatures taken care of. We can possibly provide that help to him, at a price. I'm sure Zek would appreciate that sentiment. For the time being, at least they have a cheap and easy way to get their Ichor. We won't need to worry about them heading off for another "beer run" on some other pirate station and getting us all killed because of it.

Another thing, Boz seems to have gotten seriously attached to his position. His place as the go-between of human and alien. He's growing fond of humanity, perhaps it's all the music. Maybe he just enjoys talking to us. But this excerpt makes it clear, he wants to be seen as our friend. Whether or not I believe he's truly gotten soft is irrelevant, what matters is I think it's what he wants. To be accepted, to be considered one of us. It makes him a bit more open, a bit less closed off. Perhaps there is something to Shepard's designs, his hopes that we can become... true allies.

Again, time will tell. It depends on what we find on Reach.

Signed

Lieutenant Elias Haverson

Office of Naval Intelligence


	7. The Amplifier Incident

**Excerpt Six: The Amplifier Incident**

 **You are listening to the Iron Maiden Rockathon Experience! With your host, Boz the Buzzard! All Maiden, all night! Up the Irons! Only here on Buzzard Buccaneer Radio!**

 **(Dream of Mirrors by Iron Maiden)**

I only dream in blaaaccck and whiitteeee! I only dream cause I'm allliiiivvve! Oh what is happening listeners! This is Boz the Buzzard and let me tell you, I am alive, I'm living the dream but I'm wide frickin' awake! We are not even halfway through the massive lyrical genius of Iron Maiden's catalog. The night is young, my brethren! Hell, I'm not even on my third bottle of ichor and I am already buzzing as fuck! Ha ha ha! This is the Iron Maiden Rockathon, a full night of Maiden tunes. I said I would do this and fuck me if I don't keep my promises! Let's go to the lines, see how you beautiful birds and apes and all species in-between are enjoying this musical journey. Line one, you are on!

 _That was an awesome track, Boz. Real psychological. I felt like we were on a cosmic trip... you know, besides the quest for the Cutlass of course._

Every day is a cosmic trip with me, my bird. The Buzzard will take you into the void, teach you how to fly!

 _Whoa, bud, what have you been drinking over there? You've sounded extra friendly for a while now._

I'll be honest, Retz gave me permission to test out the tastes for the baby Chorka's ichor we snagged. Just to see what we can sell it as, you know, give my own personal... seal of approval. And it's good and all, but, you know baby Chorkas. They don't gots enough of the sauce in'em yet. Ain't developed enough. So I uh... I kinda mixed it in with some of my special stash.

 _Wait? You've been Chor-Mixing? Hey, careful, mate. Even with baby ichor, you can get some pretty loopy results from all that._

As long as I can work these consoles and beam out tunes, I am good. My tolerance is- *HIC* ... My toleran- *HIC* My tolerance is com- *HIC* My tol- *HIC* ... I'm good! HA HA HA! Oh man, I feel so damn good! Music and ichor, always puts me in the mood. Now, since we're headed into the darkest hour of the fleet time cycle, let's hit up another song to celebrate! The shadows are creeping in, so best you watch behind, cause if you're alone, if blackness is all around you, you might feel a chill, or a stare... or just the Fear... Of the DARK! HA HA HA!

 **(Fear of the Dark by Iron Maiden)**

 **BBR, for all your late night rocking hits of centuries gone by. Forget sleep, we got more music, coming up now!**

 **(Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden)**

 **The Iron Maiden Rockathon will continue, so stay tuned, here on BBR!**

Boz here, back again for a station break. Listeners, I gotta confess something. I know not many of us are looking forward to going back to Reach. Heck, I even know some fellow kig-yar who aren't thrilled. Oh they still want to go after the Cutlass, but they don't like the idea of going into a hot zone while the Covenant are after us. And you humans got some bad memories of the place so that's a given too. Truth is, I actually want to go back at this point. I want a fresh perspective on the planet. Oh sure, it might be glassed to shit, but really, why let that stop us?

Seriously, we should use the time to go back and reflect on exactly what happened there. Where we were not so long ago. A bunch of pirates forced to participate in a cleansing operation that we didn't even believe in to begin with. Our human compatriots, forced to flee in defeat, worried what tomorrow may bring. Now though? The Covenant Armada that glassed the planet? Obliterated. Us? Free and clear! Talk about coming from dead last and emerging fucking radiant from the muck! That's us people. That's the crew of the _Fallen Serpent_ and our human compatriots in a nutshell. Fucking survivors! If nothing else we share that in common.

Now look, I know, we're still in a shit way and we're not all friends really. But, think of how far we've come, you know? Isn't that just a little reason for optimism? That maybe someday, we can cooperate on a more even keel? I like to think no one here would object to that, especially if we get paid and a few Covie dipshits wind up dead, right? Everyone wins on that front!

Anyway, we won't be heading down to Reach in any case, word is that's the Spartans' job. That's what everyone keeps saying anyway. You know, we haven't really talked much about the Spartans, have we? Seems incredibly unfair. I mean, they're a huge part of this fleet's overall efforts. I know what a lot of kig-yar have said about them. They're big, they're scary, they can pound our skulls in flat. Maybe we should bother to ask about them from the other perspective. Tell you guys what, we'll get back to the music, but when we hit our next break, I wanna know more about Spartans. Let's give them the spotlight here for a bit. They make a lot of what happened here possible.

Okay, our next song comes as a request from some Marines down in the third deck barracks. Feels like we should've played this earlier, oh well. This is Iron Maiden's... um, Iron Maiden. Yeah, lets spin that up for a bit.

 **(Iron Maiden by Iron Maiden)**

 **The rock will continue even after morale improves... well so long as we have enough Ichor anyway. Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, for all your pirate music needs.**

 **(The Prisoner by Iron Maiden)**

Yeah, none of us are numbers, we're all free men... or birds... or whatever else we have aboard this ship. Does anyone know what that crazy blue lady is descended from? Squids? Eh whatever, okay, I promised a Spartan spotlight and I got a few takers. So line one, you are on.

 _Corporal Kerns, um, Fifth Marine Squad, I got a few thoughts on the Spartans I guess. Mainly, well, Master Chief saved our asses._

How so? I mean, there must be a lot of instances of that.

 _Well after we crash landed on the ring, we really thought we were screwed. Covenant everywhere, unknown terrain, low on ammo. We really thought we were done for and then here comes the Master Chief and Commander Shepard over the rise. Now, not knocking Shepard, he kicked a lot of ass, but Chief didn't have those crazy powers he does. All the same, he moved like lightning all over the place. Dropship coming down, enemies pour out of it, he races right up to their advance and mows them down like blades of grass. I'm telling ya, he's a machine!_

Speaking of that, are they actually machines? I keep hearing how he's a cyborg and stuff.

 _I think it's complicated, I think there's something cybernetics grafted onto them maybe. Like their bones? I don't know. All I know, is that none of us would be here without them. You Covies probably would've bowled us over. Oh, uh, sorry, I mean, not you... specifically. You're not Covenant anymore._

Slip of the tongue, it's understandable. Adjustments need to be made.

 _I guess what I want to say is, I hope you respect them, okay? Chief and those Spartans, we all look up to them down here. They're what Marines wish they could be. I know I do._

Trust me, kig-yar respect anyone who could probably kill us in more ways than we could imagine. That's one thing you should never doubt. Next line, you're on.

 _Private Coates, Army Engineer, I was on Reach during some heavy operations. I know quite a bit about Noble Team. Not much I can say, other than they're pretty badass. Especially Noble Two, the one with the robot arm. That lady is fierce._

The Nobles are different from Master Chief, right?

 _Different generation, all I can really say in confidence on an open channel. That doesn't make them any less badass though. If you'd have seen Noble Two in the field, you'd know. I think that new robo-arm has only made her more insanely good at kicking ass. When we were a part of the raid on the crashed Autumn, getting fresh supplies, she had some crazy moves. Like... electroshock attacks from her robo arm. She grabbed one guy, blasted him with it point blank. I think it melted the Covie's face clean off that's how nuts it was._

Forgive me if I still don't want to cut off my arm for a robot one. Although I can think of several advantages, I prefer having all my limbs.

 _Same, but it's a pretty cool looking arm. Just goes to show you, doesn't matter if a Spartan has lost something, they can still make it work. That's what Spartans are really, they're humanity's first and last line. The soldiers who go in and wreck shit like hell. The Covies just can't handle what they can do. I mean, you've been with them, right? You know how they operate._

Very little imagination, religious bullshit doesn't allow for it. Weird how that is huh?

 _Not a problem for humans, getting creative is our specialty. The Spartans are just more adept at it. They can see possibilities we can't. I heard about how when they landed on the ring, Noble Two took charge of her group of survivors and held off the Covies and with a little help, managed to fuck over their jamming signal. You don't get this far in a fight without being a little unconventional, that's what the Spartans are._

Pirates love unconventional thinking, it's our whole deal. No wonder I like these guys. Okay, line three.

 _Private Tully, Marine Sharpshooter, this isn't like a war story, but I've seen 058 down at the shooting range set up in the hangar bay._

Oh yeah, that's becoming a pretty cool hot spot for folks. Nothing like letting off some steam by shooting thing. Any pirate will tell you that.

 _Uh, yeah, well, I thought I was pretty good, but 058 is a whole other level. Even Noble Three, who I hear is an expert with a rifle, he follows her lead a lot I hear. You'd be surprised what she can pull off. She managed to richochet a round off a side wall and hit a target behind cover. It was a crazy trick shot, the kind they told me not to make in sniper school. I guess when you're a Spartan the regular rules don't apply._

I think it's more based on how skilled you are really. Zek is a sniper himself, he's pretty good at it. Maybe not a richochet master, but you should see him when he lines up a good shot. I mean, he's fired off rounds into space, shooting targets through the forcefield in the hangar bay for kicks. Took down three just floating at a hundred yards.

 _Well did he shoot six flying targets with only three bullets? Cause 058 did. Not a single one touched the ground with a big old bullet hole going right through them. She's go percision down to a science man._

Huh... well, maybe some time Zek can challenge her to a sniper contest. I know wouldn't, but I know he loves a challenge.

 _Heh, good luck even getting her to agree to it. Spartans aren't big on personal wagers. I tried to pair up my skills with her, figuring I'd lose but, hey, how many people can say they lost a sniper contest to a Spartan right? Anyway, she turned me down, said the only competitor I needed was myself. It wasn't about her thinking she was better than me, just that if I kept comparing myself to her I'd never get better._

So, she wouldn't take up the challenge is offered?

 _I think you'd need to convince her that it would be worth something more than just bragging rights to say you tried._

I'll keep that in mind then. Anyway, I think we've delayed long enough on the tunes, listeners. Lets get another song in quick. Then, we got a special treat you are all going to enjoy. This is "Caught Somewhere in Time", so keep it locked here on Buzzard Buccaneer Radio! You won' regret it.

 **(Caught Somewhere in Time by Iron Maiden)**

 **The Night is young even if the rock is old! Keep turned to BBR all night long as the Iron Maiden Rockathon continues!**

 **(The Wicker Man by Iron Maiden)**

And the time has come here, for another Shipmaster Zek review! Now, our good Captain is currently attending the opening of showing of the _Ascendant Justice's_ public theater. Recently set up jointly by everyone aboard to give all those who wish it a chance to kick back, relax and watch some vids. This way, those who aren't comfortable visiting the _Fallen Serpent_ for a vid night don't have to miss out anymore. It's neutral ground after all, that's what the Carrier is, right? Currently, they are showing every single film in the... Evil Dead series. Not entirely sure what that is myself, but with a title like that I'm guessing it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Then again, I'm not sure a film called Good Living would be all that exciting by contrast. Sounds like a decor instructional vid.

Before he went off to the proceedings, Zek left us another review... well, reviews. You see this time it's not just one movie, but several. Anyway, you'll see what I mean. Take it away, Zek.

 **So humans have a strange fixation on killing each other it seems. I'm not really talking about history, every species has some kind of murderous past, us included. I'm speaking of their vids. They have a crazy fixation over finding ways to murder characters in gory gratuitous ways. I can't help but love them for it. A Sangheili would write a story with as little emphasis on the gore as possible, speaking only of blood in some kind of symbolic sense. Where it's about honor and clean kill and whatever other boring garbage they like to kid themselves about concerning war. Humans, they will remind you of every horrible gut wrenching detail for pure shock effect alone. Just like us. Because it's not a story worth telling if you don't spend a little time talking about all the blood that is caking the walls after the fight scene dies down.**

 **Enter the Friday the 13th vids, a series of films basically devoted to blood and guts aesthetic of storytelling that one would expect to get sick of it after three. This franchise lasted for over ten! Including a crossover with another blood drenched series. The vids star a recurring human serial killer named Jason Voorhees. Wielding a machete, just like mine only not plasma-base, Jason takes delight in waiting around for a specific weekend date, the 13th of every month that happens to wind up on a Friday, to murder a bunch of folks at a campsite for funsies. Or revenge I think, after a while though you gotta wonder if revenge is the reason because I think everyone he's mad at is probably dead by then.**

 **Ms. Kasumi Goto introduced us to this glorious series and I felt it would be a shame if I only talked about one on her behalf. Now, granted a lot of these films tend to blend in with each other a bit, but there is enough variety that I can sustain myself for a bit at least. So here's a bunch of reviews laying out some highlights and personal thoughts concerning these vids. Or at least what I can remember, I got really drunk at some points. So here we go.**

 **Friday the 13th, first film in the franchise. Where we meet a bunch of kids who want to fix up an old summer camp where a ton of murders and deaths occurred. Including, as we learn later, one Jason Voorhees as a young boy, who drowned because he couldn't swim very well and no one was paying attention when he jumped in the lake. He was also ugly as sin, see the vid yourself to find out what I mean. Wait you ask, isn't this series about him? How can it be if he's dead? Well, yeah, it is about him, but this first movie doesn't have him as the killer, not really. We follow these campers around as they do the regular stupid teenage things, but one by one they all get killed by a mysterious murderer until only one girl remains. Said girl then is confronted by a strange lady who turns out to be Jason's mom and is not exactly all there after the death of her kid. Spoilers, she's the killer and she now wants to finish her murder spree with one last victim in order to keep the camp closed and avenge her son who drowned. Or did he?**

 **Best kill: I would have to say the one involving the arrow through the neck. That's just particularly brutal. Especially with how slow and methodical the method of jamming it into the victim's body from behind and beneath a bed would be. That takes a lot of force to get right. That alone was enough, but the blood fountain pushed it over the top for me. Very visceral kill there. Although there is a decapitation in there that's not bad either. But I've already spoiled enough.**

 **Standout moment: The weirdo doomsayer who seems only to exist purely to freak out kids and townsfolk with his prophecies of forthcoming murder. That literally seems to be his position in the community. I'm not sure why I seem to love him, maybe because I enjoy the lengths he goes to in order enforce the message of how fucked everyone at the camp is. Like he has nothing better to do than to scare stupid kids. That's a kind of job I can get behind. Although I imagine it doesn't pay all too well.**

 **Problems: Apparently a snake was actually killed, a real live snake. They found one in the wild and killed it. Ms. Goto assures me of this. Not cool, humans. I like snakes, why do I think I named my ship after one? Don't involve the murder of animals in your vid. That's just not cool, guys. Really. Totally uncalled for. What did that serpent ever do to you?**

 **Overall, I give the vid my recommendation. Hell of a murder-fest.**

 **Friday the 13th Part 2, now Jason takes the role of the killer for the rest of the series. And for whatever reason he decides to one up his mom in as many ways as possible. There's a new group of kids trying to restart their own camp on the other side of the lake I guess, I don't know why, but I guess if you got lakefront property it would be a shame to waste it. Unfortunately, Jason is still pissed as fuck over people being on his land. And to cover up his ugly mug he's taken to wearing a sack over his head. Ms. Goto says this is a reference to another murder flick made earlier than this one about a town that feared sundown or something. No idea what it's about, but if the killer there is as ruthless as Jason it may be worth a look. More or less from there it's the same vid. Kids try to have sex, booze it up, they get killed for their trouble.**

 **Finally one last survivor, another human girl, has to stop Jason using a rather clever psychological trick, trying to fool him into thinking she was his mom. Also a chainsaw at one point is used against Jason, which I understand confused Ms. Tali'Zorah when she watched it, as she was under the impression that Jason used that himself, not his potential victim. I don't know why more people in these vids don't arm themselves with chainsaws, you'd think they'd be everywhere in the woods and Jason is appropriately terrified of them. He should see Jiralhanae chainsaws though, yeesh! Those dumb apes love their blades, that's for sure.**

 **Best Kill: This is hard, because there's one involving a harpoon that's just hilarious when you think about it. Heh, double penetration, funny. But I'm a machete man, okay, I gotta follow my muse and I'm giving it to the one where the poor disabled kid gets a machete slashed right through his face and falls down a shit ton of stairs. That was awesome! Too bad he didn't get laid first though, he was so close.**

 **Standout Moment: Some real great vid making in the final confrontation where Jason thinks the final survivor lady is his mom and he's almost totally tricked. I gotta say, I feel sorry for the ugly murdering psycho. He just loves his mom, something I can relate to. I mean, sure she was a half-crazed loony, but she was still his mom and he just wants her back. Runner up on this is the one guy who survived everything because he stayed back at the bar having more shots. HA! And they say alcoholism kills! Screw you, his addiction saved his fucking life!**

 **Problems: Did they have to kill the doomsayer from the last film? I liked him! Also, where the fuck DID the boyfriend go to? One second he's there, one cut later, he's gone. I mean, come on, if he's dead I wanna see it! Give me a fucking body!**

 **Still good vid, recommended.**

 **Friday the 13th 3D, the gimmick movie! That's what Ms. Goto called it anyway. Luckily all holoscreens are designed for 3D entertainment. Holograms are so much more effective for that than, apparently, some funny colored goggles humans used to wear. Ugh, you poor primitive things, how did you survive this long in such conditions? I'm not sure how effective this vid would be without the effect, but it's good fun for what it is. Jason is back, killing teens and eventually finding himself a new mask to wear after his sack got ripped presumably. Some kind of white plate thing with some holes in it. Kasumi explained it's from a sport called Hockey that involves a bunch of guys hitting a black disc around while pummeling each other brutally with sticks. Sounds like my kind of game. Either way, Jason rocks it effectively.**

 **This time the campers aren't trying to set up a business in a former murder location, they're just trying to have a weekend getaway. Still kinda stupid of them to pick a spot where people were recently murdered, but I don't think they know that. They still all get murdered though, it's just this time Jason's kills come right at you. They clearly wanted to show off how much they got this 3D thing to work. Makes for a fun experience. Also, they got a new soundtrack that is seriously insane. I have no idea what they were smoking, but the wacky music for this vid just had me grooving to it. It was stupid and cheesy and terrible, but I loved it.**

 **Best Kill: A dumb kid walks around on his hands and gets an axe slammed right through his crotch! That... that was just brutal. Jason does not give a single fuck. Seriously, that alone made everything worthwhile.**

 **Standout Moment: The final human survivor, once again a girl, uses the knife stabbed into the back of her best friend to defend herself against Jason. This girl kicks a lot of ass in general, like she gives Jason the beating of his life. Surprised he's still standing and murdering for several movies afterwards after all that.**

 **Problems: The title is a lie! Kasumi pointed this out, but the damn vid takes place right after the last movie! So it's not Friday, it's a Saturday! I get it's not as good a title, but seriously? It just bugs me, alright. Also, is a Jason a rapist now? I... I'm not sure. It's implied, but... I thought he just murdered people for having sex. Where'd this come from? That confuses me.**

 **Eh, I still had fun. Make sure the 3D feature of the holoscreen is turned on and give it a watch.**

 **Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, ha! And I thought the last movie's title was a lie. Ms. Goto assures me that they honestly thought it would be the last vid in the series. I don't know, part of me thinks that no one would kill off a potential money maker that easily. They made three of these things previously, they had to be doing good enough to justify continuing for so long.**

 **More or less the same thing as before, bunch of kids head up to the country to have sex and party, but they're next door to a family who lives up there themselves. They stay at this nice little cottage, throw a party, just having fun... while Jason hacks his way through them. Old formula, but it works. At least this time we get to know all these kids a bit more before they get murdered. You know I keep saying kids, but they don't look like it. Does teenage-hood last longer for humans? I should ask someone about that, otherwise these are all adults playing teenagers which is kinda weird.**

 **One I know for sure is a kid is this character named Tommy we're going to get to know a ton about soon. He makes special effects and masks and make ups, regular vid maker in the works this kid. Probably a homage to the director and special effect whizzes behind the camera. I mean, they clearly identify with this kid as he plays an important role in Jason's defeat. And by defeat, I mean death, yeah, Jason dies for real this time. No joke, no spoilers, this vid is billed as his death song. Know that going in, alright? To be fair, it's a really great death scene all the same.**

 **Best Kill: Corkscrew to the hand and then a blade to the face. At least this time, Jason waited for him to get his rocks off before offing him. That's just polite is all. I mean, if you're gonna kill them, fine, but at least let them have some fun first.**

 **Standout Moment: It's weird, the same character who gets murdered in the best kill is also the standout here. He's got this sequence where he tears up the fucking dance floor with these crazy moves. Damn it, how did he not get laid earlier? What is wrong with you humans? That is grade-A material for a mating ritual right there! We do it all the time!**

 **Problems: So like... how did that girl die? I mean she gets thrown out a window, fine, and then she hits the roof of car, blowing out the windows, but seriously... that did not look fatal. I've seen fatal, I've fallen from worse. Later, a girl falls way worse and slams into the mud, but she's fine! The fuck with that?**

 **I can understand why people probably got tired of the series and wanted it to end I guess. This was where Ms. Zorah checked out. Everyone has their limit I guess. Shame really, I would've loved to hear what she thought about some of the sequels after this. Anyway, it's a good vid, but I still am skeptical that they intended to stop here. Hell, they even suggest there's going to be a sequel of a sorts. Speaking of...**

 **Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, can't keep a good killer down... or dead. Well, okay, Jason is still dead, but there's a new guy going around in a hockey mask murdering folks it seems. Not at a camp though, at some kind of halfway house for disturbed kids. Like, really disturbed, I'll explain later. Right now, all you need to know is a lot of people die, but Jason isn't really killing them, it's some copy cat. And you can tell because he's wearing a new mask with blue markings all over him.**

 **Tommy is back by the way, he's a little older, okay a lot older, and clearly going through some trauma. Also, he's a suspect for the new killings. But it's clearly not him because he's not nearly as built as this new guy. Sorry, it's hard to buy you're the murderer when you look like a twig and he's a bulk freak of nature. But hey, at least he's still around, that's a first. Usually everyone who survives these movies ends up in asylum or a hospital or something. I mean, halfway house isn't much of a step up from those, but at least he isn't in a straightjacket or something.**

 **Tommy is also very adept in kicking ass, like a lot of ass. He knows how to wreck your shit. Probably trying to suggest he's the killer because he's so proficient at taking dudes down, but given how he's more agile, yeah I didn't buy it. If Jason had started choking people out with his legs or snapping limbs, maybe. Here? Same old stabbing and throat slicing.**

 **Best Kill: There are a lot, like a lot a lot. Someone probably looked at this script, commented on how there was no Jason, and then added a ton of extra murders to make up for it. I'm not sure if it works, all I know is there were a ton choose from. Including an outhouse and a road flare. I settled on the one involving the belt, a tree and a stick that ended with a head crushed in. If you gotta pick one, might as well pick the most gratuitous, right?**

 **Standout Moment: Boobs. A lot of boobs. Ms. Goto said the guy who directed this once did porn. You don't say? I wouldn't have guessed from all the human breasts flopping around excessively. Maybe this attracts humans, but no offense, human tits aren't my thing. Kig-yar chests a lot more firm and pert. The reason I'm putting it here is just how much more it's made apparent. This series has never shied away from sexing it up, but here they just decided to make a porno. Hey, fine by me, you be true to yourself. Sex and blood, at least you admitted it. Other than that, Tommy's fight scenes are a close runner up and hey the chainsaw makes a comeback again, once again held by the final lady survivor. A tradition worth keeping I say.**

 **Problems: Just one major problem, and it's not that Jason isn't in this thing. Spoiler time, the murder spree is kicked off when this crazy fucker kills this chocolate loving fat guy with an axe for really no good reason. The victim's dad, an ambulance driver, snaps and takes up the Jason mantle because... reasons. He's the killer, but he never tracks down the actual person who killed his kid. Fine, he's crazy, but seriously? You kill all these people to avenge your son, but you don't break into the police station he's being held at to murder him? I'm sorry, but if you make a revenge murder spree vid, you involve the impetus for said revenge murder spree at some point! Come on!**

 **I suppose this movie is okay, although I will say that more kills means less creative deaths. A lot of stabbing and throat cutting, but only a few that really make themselves memorable in the long term and a bunch that happen offscreen. Quality over quantity always wins out I guess. Still see it, just know what you're getting.**

 **Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives, this one rocks! Literally, they got this rock soundtrack that rules. Jason even gets his own song, about time. Oh, and as the title implies, Jason is back. Tommy accidentally resurrects him with the bolt of lightning or something. It makes no sense, but it's a horror vid, who cares? I mean, remember in "The Darkest Voyage", the Razorfin people can somehow survive having their heads cut in half? Seriously, who are we to judge?**

 **Jason goes on a rampage from there, murdering the shit out of everyone for some very quality kills. Meanwhile, Tommy has to stop the monster and make up for the mistake he caused. Only the sheriff thinks he's crazy and tries to run him out of town or lock him up.**

 **Eventually Jason gets back to his old stomping grounds and properly starts to murder some campers again. So many people to kill so little time. But they use it effectively. Best of all, they're all clearly having fun with this one. At this point the vids have decided they're not to be taken too seriously so they just decide to get some laughs out of you along with some scares. Makes for a good ride. Oh, and a bunch of kids actually show up at the camp, yeah, real kids, and they're put in danger this time. None of them die, but at least they bothered to suggest they could! Finally, actually kids are placed in danger in these films! I don't mean just one, like the previous two, I mean a whole pack of them. A full camp full of kids all menaced by one masked murderer! About time.**

 **Best Kill: Oh so hard to pick! There's a triple decapitation that Kasumi said was originally cut out but was eventually restored to full pristine print decades later. I loved that one. I love my machete kills. I guess I'll tie it with the back break later on though, which is some wonderfully brutal stuff. Jason being wormfood didn't damage his strength at all apparently. Oh, oh, another good one, Jason kills a guy driving this huge vehicle, it crashes, but Jason emerges unscathed. That was just a great visual shot.**

 **Standout Moment: Jason stands over a little girl in a particularly unnerving scene that makes you wonder if he's really about to kill her and we're going to have to watch him do it. Seriously, that was disconcerting. Hey, just because I'm kig-yar, doesn't mean I can't be worried for a little human kid. Another reason I never liked the Covies, they didn't care about that shit, some even delighted in it. Sadistic fucks. A runner up can also be how Jason takes several shotgun blasts full on and keeps getting back up. Being undead has its advantages it seems. Then again, I think we all know that by now.**

 **Problems: The sheriff at some point really should've realized something bad was going down. He just comes off as an idiot and I didn't really care much when he got his back broken in half. Also, I feel like that gravedigger character was going somewhere, but they killed him off. What was with that? I'll have to ask Ms. Goto about it.**

 **This movie was a ton of laughs, blood and scares. The best of the lot so far honestly.**

 **Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, this is a weird one. Last time we had people being brought back to life, now we got folks with psychic powers. Yeah, there's this teenage human girl, Tina, who can move shit around with her mind and gets premonitions of the future. Namely people who are going to die. Wouldn't you know it, in one of her psychic rages, she resurrects Jason from under the water and he goes on another killing spree just as a band of teenagers has decided to get together for a birthday party for a friend. A friend who never shows up because he's murdered on the way by Jason. They are of course next. But the thing is... that's not as important as seeing Jason get his ass kicked by a girl's mind. Now that is brains versus brawn right there.**

 **Best Kill: Uh... problem, while a lot of the film was restored, not everything that hit the cutting room floor could be saved. So a lot of the kills aren't complete. Some asshole on Earth decided the movie designed around the idea of people getting murdered needed to be censored so they fucking raped the fucking movie and cut out everything good. The best kill I could reasonably find was the one involving the bitchy girl get axed in the head and thrown into a wall. Thankfully that was one they restored fully. If we're talking based on what was fully there from the original, the sleeping bag was a nice clean murder that worked for what it was. I liked that, for once less was more in that instance.**

 **Standout Moment: Everything about he final battle with Jason himself. Including when they set him on fire and then blow up the fucking house! Now THAT is how you end a murderfest vid, detonate the fucking set! BOOM! HA HA HA!**

 **Problems: Besides all the cut out kills? I really didn't like that mega bitch. Most of these vids have been very good about creating well-rounded respectable female characters. Hell, all the final survivors have been girls for the most part. Which is great, shows that even human patriarchal societies aren't completely devoid of class. But this one mega bitch got on my nerves. Glad when she got killed.**

 **The movie is sadly imperfect because of reasons beyond its control, but I'd still recommend it for the mind battle at the end. What can I say, I appreciate when brains win out.**

 **Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason takes Manhattan, which sees Jason eventually get out of the woods and into a big city. Most of the film involves a lot of kills on a boat before finally getting us to the titular city. But at least some of the kills are pretty cool. I just wish the title wasn't a lie. I'm fine with people lying to me now and then, I mean, I lie myself, but not my vids. Be honest about the vids, man. I guess Jason on a Boat isn't as cool a title though. I have to ask how a boat would exit a lake and get onto the ocean or whatever, I suppose there is an inlet. Also, why would you graduate and have a party on a crummy dingy like that? Get on a cruise, people! Live it up! If Jason was on a proper cruise vessel maybe it would've made up for not getting to the city proper. Clearly a budget issue.**

 **Best Kill: Girl gets her head bashed in with a rock guitar. At the very least we got something unique there, plus it made a music riff every time he hit her. That was fun.**

 **Standout Moment: Jason arrives in what is called "Time Square", this big city center with lights and billboards and people everywhere! It's an amazing sequence! Made even better when he gets some punks off his case after destroying their music box just by lifting his mask up. Yeah, best move along guys, stay out of the killer zombie's way. I know that from personal experience myself.**

 **Problems: Besides the title being a lie? Okay, what the fuck was with the toxic waste? Do humans just have that shit lying around everywhere? Honestly, there is a market for that crap! You can sell it for bio-weapons on the cheap! Seriously, you're leaving a gold mine just lying out in the open! What is wrong with you? Also, I know Jason can get around fast... but can he literally just teleport now? How else am I supposed to read that dance floor kill?**

 **Skip to the kills, this is a mess. But... I guess a delightful mess in how hard it is trying and failing.**

 **Jason Goes to Hell... uh, Jason is killed and um... stuff happens and... okay, I'll be honest with you people. After the coroner ate Jason's heart for no reason I kinda sorta left for a bit and tuned out. I spent the rest of it in my quarters cause I knew how stupid this was about to get just from that alone. Instead I watched a vid about a bunch of kiddie lizard creatures who needed to get home or something. It was a lot less idiotic.**

 **Best Kill: Uh, the big scary lizard got a rock dropped on him and drowned. That was... that was pretty good.**

 **Standout Moment: The big earthquake scene was pretty fucking amazing to watch... I... I liked that.**

 **Problems: The horned lizard and the longnecked lizard just need to hate fuck already and get it out of their systems. I mean seriously, just work that shit out quick. I know, they're children and all. I'm saying wait a few years, viable mature age, when both understand the consequences and can reasonably consent. It's the only way they're going to preserve their friendship honestly.**

 **Overall... uh, don't eat serial killers hearts, okay? That's just fucking stupid.**

 **Jason X, Jason goes to space. Okay... this got stupid... but not nearly as stupid as the last one at least. Jason ends up in space after being thawed out of ice and murders a bunch of people in what passed for the time this was filmed as the future. Old Earth's version of the future was really brown and silver by the way.**

 **There's a robot lady who gets her head taken off, but she lives because she's a robot and they don't need their bodies. So, that worked out for her at least. Jason kills some people in virtual reality, but it's only two. I don't get why they didn't just make a ton of virtual people for him to kill, as if there was some limit on the thing, but it was interesting. Oh, and Jason gets a nanomachine upgrade that turns him into an even more crazy murder machine. I guess they just threw everything they could think of with this setting and figured out what stuck and what didn't.**

 **For the most part I guess it works.**

 **Best Kill: I'm pretty sure the science is wrong, but the cryogenic face freeze and smash was neat. Maybe a little much though, but still neat.**

 **Standout Moment: Jason ends up getting killed by being sent back through the atmosphere and burning up. That's one way to take out a serial killer I guess. Oh and I suppose the main guy and the robot head hook up or something. He better find her a new body, otherwise that limits their options honestly.**

 **Problems: Can someone please explain why you'd cart a freaky dude in a block of ice with a fucking blade in his hand onto a space station? It just seems really stupid that they'd let something like that run wild aboard a ship. I mean, think of the safety precautions. I guess without it you don't have a movie, but still... kinda stupid.**

 **But hey, these vids aren't made for high art society and I prefer them that way. Good fun, even if I know half of this science is utter garbage. Tali probably did herself a favor getting out long before she got to this. That quarian is a science freak and this would've just pissed her off.**

 **Freddy vs. Jason, the crossover movie! Freddy is a dream demon creature who uses his powers to invade the dreams of kids and murder them. Problem, he can only enter dreams and have power in them if people are afraid of him. And people have started to forget he exists. So he recruits Jason to frame Freddy for murders, so he can commit some actual murders later once everyone starts giving him credit for Hockey Mask's crimes. Problem there is, Jason can't stop killing so Freddy can't get his jollies, so now he has to fight and kill Jason if he has any hope of actually getting in some kills himself.**

 **Apparently this was a big deal for folks. Freddy is also another popular murderfest character, he and Jason are called slashers according to Ms. Goto. They... slash people... with sharp things, obviously. Freddy has some cool finger knives he uses to do his work for example. It works for what it is, but give me a machete any day. Freddy prefers to kill through the mind though instead of brawn. Invading dreams and manipulating fears and memories and all that. So, I'm torn, they both got things I love, so I don't know who to root for. But... Freddy was apparently some kind of pedophile in life so... I guess Jason wins by default on the morality front.**

 **Best Kill: Jason gets set on fire and murders an entire rave party at a field of corn. It's as awesome as it sounds and every second is pure gory magic. See it for that alone.**

 **Standout Moment: Final fight between Freddy and Jason. I love me a good throwdown, and this was a bareknuckled brawl of blades and beatings that warmed my violence crazed heart. Yeah, fuck him up Jason! Fuck his ass up! Right through the windows, bitch! Fuck yeah! Impale him with his own fucking hand, fuck, yeah! ... Oh sorry, I was watching some clips of it just now.**

 **Problems: I guess Freddy doesn't have as many kills as he probably should have. Also, it takes a while to get to the main event. And, was Jason always afraid of water or was he just afraid of drowning? I'm... I'm at a loss for the symbolism there. Just a tad.**

 **I suppose Freddy is as good a foil for Jason as anything, what with his manipulation of Jason to kill people and then subsequent invasion of his mind to exploit his worst fears. Makes it more worthwhile when he gets pulled into the real world so Jason can kill him proper. I just keep thinking about how shit can get into your head like that, like someone can just invade your brain and mess around with you. I mean, that's scary as shit right there so Freddy works as a great arch-**

(Program is cut off here as Boz returns)

Uh, sorry folks, but we have some... news to report. Um, there has been an attack on the hangar bay theater just now. There are no casualties, Zek is fine, but he was attacked by... I can't believe what I'm reading... Tali'Zorah, the _Normandy's_ chief engineer. We are learning information now, previously classified, that Ms. Zorah has experienced some kind of psychotic break. Details are sketchy and still coming in, but she apparently believes that some kind of disembodied voice is speaking to her and threatening the lives of all within our fleet. Um, uh, it is believed that there is a connection to this sudden delusion based on contact with the relic we recovered from the Forerunner wreck, as well as an experience she suffered in a swamp on Halo fighting the Flood. It is feared that Ms. Zorah is now trying to gain access to the _Fallen Serpent_ and has procured the codes to do so from Zek's omni-tool. Zek himself has issued explicit orders to capture Ms. Zorah and return her to the _Normandy's_ custody. Under no circumstances, I repeat, no circumstances is lethal force to be used. This is an order directly from Zek himself on the matter.

I'm not sure what to say about this folks, it is... distressing to say the least. We will keep you updated on this situation as much as we can. Please stay tuned and if Ms. Zorah is listening, I hope that you realize that you need help and decide to lay down your arms and allow us to do so. Uh, here's some music for you folks, next on our Iron Maiden Rockathon... oh this not good at all.

 **(Losfer Words by Iron Maiden)**

 **BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, bringing you the hits to keep you pillaging all night long.**

 **(The Nomad by Iron Maiden)**

We're back now, with some additional information on the situation at hand. Tali'Zorah, in case you are not aware, has gone rogue. She believes the fleet is in danger from some unseen force and is attempting to reroute our destination coordinates to find and kill this... whatever it is. We are hopeful that the situation can be resolved peacefully. But we are unsure of how deeply Tali has been infested with this strange form of madness that has taken her. We have also learned that both Miranda Lawson, XO of the _Normandy_ and Taq, were attacked by Tali. Both are okay, alive, relatively undamaged, but it is clear that Ms. Zorah's psychosis has possessed her to a degree of physical violence. Not murder though, we should remember that. She has not killed anyone yet and there is nothing to say she will since her motivation seems to be, according to reports, saving us from ourselves. Whatever that means.

We have a few eye-witness accounts of the attack on Zek at the theater in the hangar bay of the _Ascendant Justice_. Let's go to the lines and see what they have to say. Line one, you're on.

 _So it was just in the middle of the second film, Ash Williams was like going crazy and attacking his buds. Then suddenly, the shipmaster is running out like mad screaming about a problem we have and there's the quarian aiming a gun at all of us. None of us really know what to do at that point, we don't even dare go for our guns thinking she'll start blasting. I'm too freaked to even turn on my shield gauntlet. Then she's all angry, saying we're a problem, cusses us all out, UNSC Marines included. I've never seen anyone so fucking pissed, Boz! I have half a mind to think she was foaming at the mouth or something under that helmet._

What did she seem mad about?

 _Everything, that we lie, that the batarians are assholes, that the humans are xenophobes, that we're ungrateful and shit. Like, everything just poured out in one giant toxic wave of rage. She said she still wanted to save us though, from ourselves I mean. What was she on about?_

I'm not entirely sure myself, she thinks someone or something is trying to kill us so that could be it. I wish I had more answers honestly. Maybe line two does, hello, you're on.

 _I tried to go after her once the smoke hit. I was following Zek's orders, no killing. After Zek tore into someone else over that, I knew better than to try anything._

Did you see where she went?

 _No, me and some of the boys lost her when she ducked into a bunch of Seraphs clustered over near the starboard end. She might have slipped into the ducts or something. She's a nimble alien, I'll give her that. Faster than we gave her credit for. I thought her species were all sickly or something._

Weak immune system, it's not the same thing. Look, this quarian runs with Commander Shepard, the guy the Covenant have a new massive hate boner for. Do not sell her short, people. She knows ships, at least that's what the info sent my way keeps saying. So, seriously guys. You see her, don't act the hero here. Be smart. Now we got a new call, third line, what's happening down on your end?

 _What do you fear, Boz?_

Uh, excuse me?

 _What do you fear? Do you have any semblance of understanding fear? Do you even comprehend it? Are you capable of understanding it?_

Wait a minute, Tali? Is this you?

 _Your voice currently reaches so many while mine is stifled. Your platform is the best way to get the truth out before someone twists it. I know that's a specialty of you Jackals. Lying._

I am only reporting what I'm told.

 _Oh, good puppet. I'm sure Retz is proud. Now answer my question, what waking nightmare haunts you? What horror stalks you? Do you even understand what true fear is like I do now?_

Well, I... once had a dream where my beak fell off and I was naked in the mess hall.

 _Typical, a joke. That's all you're good for. Ignoring the true horror of existence because you have the option. I don't anymore, it was stolen from me. And all you can do is laugh about a cute little nightmare you had like it's a fun little diversion and not some creeping gnawing spiteful terror digging into your skull._

Not true, it was a really screwed up dream. Honest. Woke up in a cold sweat and everything.

 _You don't fear anything, not like you should. It's all some fun little game for you. The galaxy is your pleasure palace to plunder. Your stage to perform._

Well it's a, uh... a pretty neat stage.

 _More jokes, always jokes. This is why you don't understand! Or refuse to! You don't see an endlessly dark, unfeeling, empty chasm of death. A place inhabited by horror you can't imagine. That is why you are insignificant in the face of it! All of it!_

Ms. Zorah, I really would love to discuss esoteric philosophy and the like, but I really feel it's important that you just give yourself up to-

 _You'd like that, wouldn't you? Like everyone wants the quarians to give up and die. We're just filthy burdens to you._

I don't think you're a burden. I think you need help and I think there are plenty of people out there who want to help.

 _Help? Please! There's no help, not against this. It's out there, they're all out there still. Just waiting in the dark, waiting for their moment. We're just... living on borrowed time. All of us, borrowed time. They're coming for us. All of us! Our only hope is to move now, while we have the chance, while they're still waiting. While they still think we're passive. Don't you understand? I'm trying to save you. All of you! This needs to happen. Sacrifices must be made. I'm sorry you can't understand. I barely do myself. The horrible truth is they are as cold and as unfeeling as space and they will consume us, all of us... unless we burn them. All of them. Every last speck left. I'll purge them before they get to us. I'll save you, even if I have to drag you to salvation, I'll save you! Whatever it takes!_

(Call abruptly cuts)

Ms. Zorah? Tali? Um, I think we lost her folks. Uh, I uh... well, I'm sure she's just working through... whatever it is she's working through. Yes, just keep your eyes open and everything. Remember, capture, non-lethal means. And... maybe just ignore the doom and gloom stuff if you can. Oh uh, how about another song? Yeah, more Maiden! That will help... maybe.

 **(Children of the Damned by Iron Maiden)**

 **Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, we pillage the music of the past and deliver it straight to you. Now that's piracy you can count on. Keep it locked on BBR, another hot track is coming up, right now.**

 **(Where the Wild Wind Blows by Iron Maiden)**

(Blaring Alarms in the background)

Um, everything is fine. We're okay over here. Situation is totally under control. I can totally reach people and my personal comms are not being clogged with static. Yes sir, we're good here. Don't you worry folks, we're still on the air, everything is just... peachy. Look, we're going to have another track now. Because everything is fine and my fellow pirates have the situation under control, I'm positive. (Aside) Seriously, why can't anyone catch her? Fuck. Oh shit, I'm still on, um, here's "Stranger in a Strange Land" Now where's my Ichor? Ocean, why tonight? Why tonight?

 **(Stranger in a Strange Land by Iron Maiden)**

 **Hold onto your gizzards, assholes, because the Iron Maiden Experience is coming to the** _ **Ascendant Justice's**_ **hangar bay theater this weekend! How can they be here if they're dead? The magic of the vids, shitstains! We've hardwired a digital recreation of Iron Maiden's original Somewhere Back in Time World Tour, utilizing original footage of all their performances. Now, with the help of the holoscreen, we can bring their concert back to life and call the digital ghosts of the Earth's most rocking band from the ether to perform for you! See all your favorites played as they originally were by Dickinson, Smith, Harris, Murray, McBrain and Gers! Close enough to touch them, loud enough the whole damn ship can hear! Maiden lives, now and forever! Only at the** _ **Ascendant Justice**_ **Theater this weekend! Be there or be forever known as a total tool! Brought to you by Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, your Kig-Yar Pirate Rock Station!**

 **(Can I Play with Madness? by Iron Maiden)**

[Song is interrupted during guitar solo where voices are heard in background. Transcription is as follows]

[For the love of the ocean lady! Stop pointing the gun at me!

*I have the boomstick, you do what I say! Isn't that how you pirates work?*

I'm a Pirate DJ! There's a difference! I just want to do my show damn it! I'm not built for this kind of pressure!

*How do I boost it?*

I keep telling you! This is as high as it goes!

*Tell me where the system is!*

This is not fair! I just wanted to listen to Maiden and get buzzed as fuck with my Ichor Rum! This was supposed to be a fun day! It was supposed to be fun!

*Do you ever just shut- wait... why can I hear an echo?*

Echo? What echo? There's no echo!

*You bosh'tet! What did you hit!?*

I swear! I never even looked at any buttons!

*WHAT DID YOU HIT?!*

AAAAAAAAHHHH!]

(Gun Shot)

[From here, music returns to full volume and tracklist continues on automatic]

 **(Clairvoyant by Iron Maiden)**

Hey guys, um, it's me, Boz. I'm okay. Everything is fine here. We're all fine. Honest this time. Um, as you probably guessed. Tali was... here. She was not happy. At all. She realized I had essentially called for help by switching the mic back on. She fired once into the ceiling and I basically just curled up into a ball on the ground. I know that kinda kills my street cred, but I have be mixing drinks all night in here and, I'm gonna be honest, my head is... not in the best place. Especially after that. Retz was just here, he eased my nerves a little, calmed me down. And I can continue. We're good. I'm good. For whatever that is worth.

Listen this is a trying time right now. I don't know what is going on honestly. I have no idea what has gotten into Tali or what she's so afraid of or why this has all gone to shit so fast. All I know is that I just wanna listen to my Maiden, okay? I didn't ask for all of this crazy shit tonight.

(Exhales)

Alright, uh, Tali, if you're listening, you probably are, it's highly likely, I just want you to know... I forgive you. Really, I do. No hard feelings. You are clearly distressed, going through something, I get it. Maybe that green thing you were holding has something to do with it. I'm... assuming that the Relic everyone keeps talking about. Not sure, never got a look at it myself, been in here mostly. Point is, I'm really sorry this has happened to you and I forgive you. Just... please stop whatever it is your doing, now. Please? Before someone really gets hurt. Now, let's just put on some more music, alright? Keep this night going. Where's the next track? Oh here.

 **(Starblind by Iron Maiden)**

 **You're listening to BBR's Iron Maiden Rockathon! Up the Irons all Across the Fleet!**

 **(The Talisman by Iron Maiden)**

 **Buzzard Buccaneer Radio is your source for all the tunes you plunder to. Piracy is our creed and rock is our message! Here's another hit from Boz he Buzzard's table straight to your ears!**

 **(Ghost of the Navigator by Iron Maiden)**

Okay, I've gotten myself together, a few extra ordinary Ichor drinks have gotten my head on straight. Ocean, I am so loopy. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying this music, because for all I know we're about to get tossed around the damn universe. From what I'm being told, we have locked down the _Ascendant Justice's_ engine room. Meaning, Tali, if your listening, you cannot get in. So whatever you're planning, it's... it's over, alright? Time to call it a night.

Just, hang in there guys, this is gonna get wrapped up... soon, hopefully. I mean it has to, right? Let's just, keep going on with the rockathon, alright? Not like we can control anything right now. Chips are gonna fall where they may right now.

Alright, which one, which one... oh this is good. This is "Trooper", I'm sure you Marines listening will get a kick out of this. Just let me cue it up. There we go, the rock lives!

 **(The Trooper by Iron Maiden)**

Well how was I supposed to know that? I don't follow her schedule. ... Oh shit, I'm back on. Hey guys, heh, if anyone was down near the engine room checkpoints just now, I just wanna say... my bad. That was... a mistake. I seriously did not know that was going on just then. Really sorry about that. Everything is fine though, I'm sure of it. Probably. We're fine. Minor issues, but we'll get through this. (Aside) Fuck I hope she's not in the engines. Maybe we should uncouple from the damn carrier ... oh shit again? Anyway, next song! This one is back to back, so, enjoy. I'll hit you all up once they're done and we've... sorted some information up here. (Aside) If we're not all dead in the next few minutes I mean.

 **(If Eternity Should Fail by Iron Maiden)**

 **(Hallowed be Thy Name by Iron Maiden)**

Everyone, update, great news! Update! Tali is reportedly down and out! She has collapsed, possibly from exhaustion in the engine room. Emergency teams are moving in to collect her now! The crisis is averted! We're not gonna get zapped into a black hole or wherever! The engine room is back in our hands! Holy shit that was too close, lets hope that whatever had crawled inside Tali's head to make her nuts is out now. This calls for a drink, don't you think? ... Oh fuck, I'm out. Seriously? How hammered am I?

[End of Transcript Excerpt]

* * *

Mordin's Notes: Jackals placed in precarious situation. Tali'Zorah's psychosis not considered. Incident forced change in strategy and tactics. Less lethal force used. Engagement cautioned and varied. Pirates relatively unprepared for Tali'Zorah's tactics. Use of fear impeded efforts considerably. Clearly paying attention to personality flaws. Proof of previous statements. Superstition plays heavily into culture. Mere mention of possible entity out in void enough to unhinge many. Boz clearly affected. Although excessive drinking did not help in this case.

Full disclosure. Analysis of Tali'Zorah revealed mental alteration of synapses. Unprecedented in all medical science. Similarity to Shepard's experience with Prothean Beacon apparent. Difference clear. Beacon contained message. Relic contained entity. Pervasive and insidious. Acted like virus. Infected the mind and used it against the host. Tali'Zorah lucky to be alive. Mental anguish would have killed her in due time. Have suggested bed rest. Doctor Chakwas concurs. Will not be joining mission to Reach upon arrival.

Additional note: Jackals restraint... unusual. Zek's orders followed, but curious. Issued before full information concerning Tali's condition known. Obvious that Zek is aware of importance to crew. Knew harm to Tali would destroy relations. Suggests Jackals can be more considerate when own interests on line.

* * *

Official Report:

This incident has done more than reveal a few flaws in our own security. It has shown us how truly dangerous these relics can potentially be. We now know the one we discovered aboard the _Dauntless_ works as boosting power source to various electronics and digital programs. We've therefore decided to call it the Amplifier, a name Taq informs me is similar in meaning to what the Forerunners called it.

To elaborate on Professor Solus' statements, the Amplifier contained an entity. A memory of an alien being, suspected to be a precursor, known as the Chronicler, or simply the Voice as Tali dubbed it. It supposedly preserved its memories within the Amplifier to ensure its continued survival after the extinction of its species. Beyond that, such as its species turning into the Flood, we can only speculate on what else was true. Although given Tali'Zorah's encounter with the Flood, the psychic scars left on her mind and the fact this entity used that to access her mind, it is likely there is some truth to the Flood connection.

Regardless, the Amplifier's ability enabled the digital thoughts to manifest as a living separate entity, like an AI but not tied to a matrix. It was essentially a digital recreation of a living creature. The Forerunners somehow contained it when they discovered its existence, but upon our actions in the _Dauntless_ , we rebooted the Amplifier and freed it from the various security measures installed to keep the Voice at bay.

Somehow, being caught in the surge the Amplifier gave off connected this memory to Tali's mind through the psychic link the Flood attack left on her. It then infected the parts of her brain that controlled REM sleep and various other subconscious functions of her mind. Forcing her to see visions, manipulate her judgment and drastically alter her personality and behavior. We believe now it was attempting to send us some place by tricking Tali into jumping us to a set of coordinates. As to where and to what end, we are unsure. I think we can be glad the plan failed in any case.

I am assured by Cortana, Doctor Chakwas, Professor Solus and Taq, that the issue is resolved. Whatever transpired in the engine room between Tali and Cortana allowed the quarian engineer to shake off the psychic hold on her mind. The backlash of which utterly deleted the memory from the Amplifier. Essentially killing the entity itself.

As a consequence, we have lost any and all data pertaining to the Chronicler and whatever it knew about the Forerunners and the Flood. Tali likewise does not remember much of the information shared, only bits and pieces. While this is unfortunate, I am not entirely too saddened by the outcome. Whatever this thing was, it was clearly dangerous. We have no idea what else it may have been capable of if given the chance. It might have attempted to seize control of the fleet or even turned the Amplifier's own purpose against us in time. It is better it is dead, if a memory can ever be considered alive, I suppose.

I am more than confident Tali'Zorah was not responsible for the actions she took. She was manipulated, deceived and tortured by a creature beyond our own understanding. She should be commended for surviving the encounter and destroying the entity in the end. Although this incident revealed a darker side to her, I do believe in the end she proved who's side she had always been ultimately on. Therefore I have instructed the men to not treat her different due to the unique nature of this incident. Hopefully they will take it to heart, although I am concerned for select members of the crew. The ODSTs in particular could use this as evidence against Shepard's judgment and his own crew. I have asked Acting Captain Mckay to impress upon her men to importance of unit cohesion.

Nevertheless, we must be more vigilant for potential security breaches in the future. Next time it might not be someone under the delusion their actions are actually assisting us. The Covenant or other threats could use our own systems against us. I have asked Cortana and EDI to strengthen electronic security and I am requesting automated weapons systems be installed in the ducts. Preferably ones that incapacitate only. I'd prefer to have prisoners so we can learn more of how they infiltrated. Gun turrets might be effective in stopping intruders, but corpses can't talk.

Concerning the Jackals, their behavior is most... intriguing. Boz's especially, as he continued to try and do his show and keep up a sense of normalcy throughout. I believe he has transitioned into a role of a calming agent, someone who is attempting to ease the tensions of the crew. I am not sure why he has taken such a drastic friendly turn. I can only imagine that after listening to so much of our music and seeing so many of our movies, he has grown accustomed to us. He is more readily connected to our species as part of an extension of his own crew, who he is already on good terms with.

This explains his attempts to resolve the situation with Tali himself. He hoped to show his value to us as a negotiator, as an ambassador, to prove his goodwill to his listeners. I have already heard much from the Marines and other soldiers. They have developed a burgeoning affinity for Boz, he speaks on their level. Likewise, their distaste for the Jackals is also receding. Evidenced by how many showed up for the opening night of the Hangar Bay Theater. Why this might be cause for a concern, it is also evidence of an opportunity we can exploit. I am already making several preparations concerning our continued relations with the pirates. I think it might be time to add a new one.

Whatever the case, the situation is two way. I believe the Jackals are becoming more integrated into the fleet overall. They are more comfortable in this situation now than before. The problems remain, the ODST's belligerence, Zek and Retz's constant manipulations and the overall seething distrust several decades worth of war that keeps our factions at relative distance from each other. I would not celebrate or suggest this makes us one big happy family though. The fact remains is that there is a tightly wound anxiety here masked only by enforced tolerance of a no-win situation for everyone. In due time, I fear a lot of these issues will boil and come to a head. We can delay it with music and movie night and friendly jokes and drinking games, but this is not camaraderie. This is setting animosity aside. It is dormant, not forgotten. Their actions, after all, exposed Tali and us to the Amplifier. It has been one problem after another, directly or indirectly. The men will recognize this if they haven't already.

The faster we deal with this issue, the better. When we arrive at Reach I will put my plan to stave it off into motion. With any luck, it will go smoothly and quickly place this dark incident with the Amplifier behind us as we motion the pirates into a position of assisting us rather than them using us as muscle.

Signed,

Lieutenant Elias Haverson

Office of Naval Intelligence


	8. True Threats Revealed

**Excerpt Seven: True Threats Revealed**

 **Buzzard Buccaneer Radio! A full broadside blast of rock straight from the _Fallen Serpent_ to all of you!**

Boz here again for another station break, and we sure could use one. Shit, I knew Reach would be tough but I didn't think we'd be running into Snarlbeak again. Or at least one of his crazy lieutenants. What was with that Zon guy anyhow? Was he raised by sangheili or some shit? Fuck. We unfortunately had to go off the air for most of our little mission with the ODSTs, radio silence is the worst kind of silence in my book. All the same, I picked up everything during the battle and then some. Holy shit was today nuts. Anyway, we got some calls lined up with a few of our boys who experienced some action on the station, as well as more updates on our continued quest for the Astral Cutlass. We need some music first though, so here's Skid Row's "Big Guns" because we certainly had to deal with a few of those today, right guys? Ha ha!

 **(Big Guns by Skid Row)**

Okay we're back, time to go to calls. Funny enough, we have an ODST lined up on this one. Apparently they have some things they want to talk about. Huh, who would've guessed. Alright so first up is our always lovable marksman, Keth. He saw some action down there on that station against, get this, other humans! Can you believe it? Tell us Keth, the hell happened?

 _A clusterfuck of bullshit is what happened. Apparently, when Haverson set us up for this mission, he didn't count on some assholes from his neck of the woods fouling it up with all their shitty grievances. We spent half the time watching out for fucking traps and the other half getting shot at by these fucking dipshits._

But who were they?

 _Humans kept calling them Insurrectionists. I call them fucking stupid. I plugged one of the bastards clean through the eye when he was blasting away like some kind of two bit gangster. I think the fucking moron was even holding his rifle sideways. SIDEWAYS! The fuck are these assholes thinking? Who's teaching them?_

So they were pushovers then?

 _I wish, they were mostly just fucking parasites we needed to pick off. But they made it so damn difficult. So many damn explosive traps to start with and constantly engaging from afar. Near as I can tell they were after the same thing we were there for. All the files on the computer or some shit. Seriously, this was supposed to be easy, in and out. If I knew we'd be getting into a firefight I would've brought a better gun._

Surely it wasn't that bad. I mean, we got something out of this.

 _Yeah, we ended up picking up that Prowler for the fleet in the end I guess. Cool little ship, has a cloak like ours. I'm not sure what was on that computer, but I'm guessing its valuable enough to kill over. Considering the assholes were gonna blow themselves up if we tried to stop them._

So in your mind it was a success then?

 _Any mission I come back from alive is a success in my book. Next time though, maybe Haverson should consider doing a bit more recon and shit before he sends us in. The fewer surprises on these OPs the better._

Well it's good to hear we got some plunder from this job in the end. I'm still wondering about these Insurrectionist guys though. I mean, I thought humans were one big happy family. Perhaps our next guest can illuminate some things for us. Private Deverill of the ODSTs, you are on the air with us.

 _Thank you for having me. I needed to vent some shit._

You were on the ONI station with some of our boys and our Shipmaster Zek. So you were among the first to encounter the Insurrectionists aboard. What were your thoughts when you realized they were there?

 _Frankly, pissed off. Let me tell you something about the Innies, Boz. And want everyone on this channel to hear this and fucking understand. The Innies are a bunch of murdering psychopaths who have convinced themselves they're freedom fighters. They're not, they're bastards. Every single one of them, more so now than even before the war with the Covies._

They're not exactly high on our crew's popularity list either.

 _Yeah, cause they shot at you. That's reason enough for anyone. Innies are more than just a bunch of dicks with guns. The shit they've done is unforgivable. And I don't wanna hear no bullshit sympathy card about them being fucking farmers or whatever. Fuck that line and fuck anyone who uses it. Innies are trash, plain and simple. We're out here, busting our asses, trying to save Earth and protect humanity and they're still trying to fuck with us._

Perhaps you can enlighten us, you seem knowledgeable enough on the subject. A bit bias, but no one will blame you for that.

 _Fine, you and the other birds deserve to know that much. Innies popped up years ago, bunch of outer colonist yokels with axes to grind. Complained about how Earth was just using them to suck up resources from the galaxy but not leaving much for them. Yeah well, that's what a fucking colony is for damn it. You set up there, you send shit back to us, that's how it fucking works. They suddenly get this fucking idea they can support themselves, that they don't need Earth? Bullshit! They wouldn't even be out there without Earth!_

I trust they laid out their general problem with your Earth eventually.

 _We have a diplomatic governing body. They had representation. They wanted a better deal? They could've negotiated. But so many of the fuckers were impatient as hell about progress and decided it was easier to just blow up shit. They've attacked civilian and military targets alike, anything to piss people off and get noticed. One of those places was my family's apartment complex. We were lucky we had left for the day! They left the fucking bomb near the daycare center! Kids! They blew up a bunch of fucking kids and I could've been one of them! Swore that as soon as I was old enough, I was gonna kill those fuckers for that._

And then the Covenant showed up.

 _Didn't stop'em. Most kept doing their bullshit, just less overt these days. They steal our weapons, ships, ambush troops and supplies. They'd be happy to see Earth burn. Fucking Innies. Especially these ones, thinking they could steal our intel? That they can break out of prison and get away with it?_

Well, I'm sorry to hear about how much they've put you through, Private. But at the very least, you got some payback today.

 _Just wish it could've been me who gutted their fucking leader. I didn't mind watching your boss do it though. Fucker deserved every fucking slash. Every one. Maybe even more honestly._

Oh, you saw Zek in action, eh?

 _Yeah, guy's an ass... but he knows how to fuck some shit up that's for sure. Besides, I'm not oblivious. I'm an asshole too. Lot of the guys are. I'd be a hypocrite if I held that against him. Watching him rip that bastard apart made me kinda admire him._

Acts of violent overkill are a staple of working with Zek. Has your opinion changed on us Kig-yar, now that we've worked together?

 _Hey, whoa, I wasn't part of the mutiny. I mean, I didn't like the idea of teaming up with you guys on Halo, but orders is orders. Holland said that was the plan, that was the plan. We disobey our superiors we're no better than the Innies. I wasn't thrilled to work with you birds from the get go, but I waited out that shit for the most part._

I see, but that still doesn't answer my question.

 _As long as you keep putting the hurt on the Covies, I can live with ya. That's what Captain McKay says we need to do and I'm listening to her._

Rumor is McKay is fighting an uphill battle to keep the ODST squads in line though. Impressing upon them the importance of the alliance we've forged has been a difficult message for some to swallow. Has her recent promotion helped?

 _McKay is a damn good Drop Trooper and a fine officer. I'm proud to serve under her. Today only cemented that. If anyone has a problem with her at this point then they need to get with the program. She's the boss, plain and simple._

Your loyalty is admirable, sir. Here's hoping Captain McKay's days will get easier from here on out. Well, time for another musical break folks. We'll have more calls from around the fleet talking about today's events. In the meantime, here's the band Pantera with their song "Five Minutes Alone", because I imagine its what Private Deverill would like to have with a few Innies. This one's for you, Private.

 **(Five Minutes Alone by Pantera)**

 **(Antisocial by Anthrax)**

 **Plundering and spreading mayhem across the void is hard work. You deserve a break, you deserve, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio. The hottest hits to sack the black sea of space with. So keep locked to this station, as if there's anything else on worth listening to within a billion lightyears anyway.**

 **(Ramble On by Led Zeppelin)**

We're back, Boz the Buzzard here for another station break. Here to "Ramble on" a bit ourselves, heh, heh. Sorry, bad joke. Now I wager some of you caught something that took over our airwaves a bit in our absence. Not nearly as fun as me though, I doubt the Snarlbeak's Evil Plan Show will get many repeat viewings. Now I'm not sure what your full thoughts on this are dear listeners, but I'll give you the Boz-pinion on this little revelation of things. You know I used to have some mad respect for Zhoc, aka Snarlbeak, even after he tried to kill us. Guy built his shit from the ground up. He's a legit pirate and everything.

And now we learn he wants to sell out! The fuck? Something bad in the ichor he drinking? I mean, seriously, the fuck? What self respecting space pirate would want to offer up the most legendary weapon in our sorted history to the fucking Covenant? No, no, sorry, just really hard to swallow. He's got to be going off the rails a bit in his old age.

For real folks, this is some fucking grade-A Razorfin Chum bits. Utter shit! Complete and utter shit! Like the unggoy restroom facilities in the lower decks, that kind of shit. No offense to the unggoy honestly, but it does stink like hell. This is what you get for breathing in methane, your shit stinks to high heaven.

Okay, off topic, my point is what the fuck happened to Snarlbeak, guys? Was he always like this? Was he just looking for his angle or some shit? You know, our line of work comes with a degree of paranoia and fears of backstabbing, but this is a colossal betrayal of everything we stand for. Especially now after we left the Covenant. This fucker wants to trade our freedom, all of our freedom and what little culture we got left, so we can be on the fucking Sangheili's level? Are you kidding?

Don't get me wrong, pissing on those shitheads sounds fun, but having the fucking Prophets watching over my shoulder while I do it? Fuck that! Fuck them! I wouldn't be able to enjoy any of the tunes I'm currently broadcasting. The only thing us pirates got left in this galaxy is the ability to choose. Choose to plunder, choose to drink, choose to fuck, choose to get blitzed, choose to ride bareback on a Chorka with a dozen females taking turns, choose to hijack, pillage, sack and fucking loot as the humie song says! The Pirate life is freedom and the Covie way of life is fucking servitude. After living with that for years, I'd rather be dead. That ain't the life we need, that ain't the life we want. Without freedom we are nothing and I'll be damned if I see that get taken away.

A while ago I requested folks send in messages to the station with their own thoughts on the subject. The response was overwhelming in the "fuck that" category. Listen to some of these, "Sorry for his sis, but I say we gut this old bastard already." A fairly direct message to be sure. This one says, "I will never work for those Religious nutfucks again. No one is gonna make us go back." Bold statement, very bold. Here's another; "I believe a pirate should be allowed to go whatever way he wishes. Same with Snarlbeak, so long as we get to fire a plasma torpedo up his ass while he does, the fucking traitor." Ho boy, that didn't end where it start. Oh, here's a good one, "If that greasy old fuck thinks he can outplay us for the ultimate treasure he's seriously cracked in the skull. Dipshit can't even handle a little blood and he thinks he's got the gizzard to wield the Cutlass? Zek is gonna wipe the deck with his fucking entrails!" HA HA! That would be a sight. Let's read another. "Does anyone want to talk about how Shipmaster's dad was apparently some kind of pirate rebel? Cause that's just super weird, right?" Huh, I uh, I guess that did get a bit lost in the shuffle.

Oh new message, right from the Shipmaster's quarters just now. "If anyone mentions my fucking deadbeat shitbag of a dead father again, in my presence or anywhere I can hear them, they are sleeping with the Unggoy and eating only their daily rations for a full week." That uh... that is very clear.

Okay um... well, as much I love freedom of speech, I am not willing to get stuck bunking with the unggoy. Again, no offense guys, but you do smell... horribly. So, yeah, let us never speak of that particular individual again. For the time being. Let's uh, let's just move on to our next music block. Judas Priest, Sinner, may we all remain as such in the eyes of the Covenant. Human, kig-yar and batarian alike, and everyone in between. Keep locked to BBR folks, more coming up within the hour.

 **(Sinner by Judas Priest)**

 **(Sons of Plunder by Disturbed)**

That was Disturbed with Sons of Plunder on BBR, just a quick reminder of what we're meant to be, not what Zhoc wants us to become from the sound of it. In any case, it's clear we're going to be dealing with him more and more as time goes on. Whether or not you believe the Astral Cutlass is real, he's after these relics and I don't like the idea of him getting them. Not when he wants to sell out to the Covies.

Speaking of, you're probably wondering a bit about the relic we recently recovered. Well we recently got a missive about it. It is some kind of crystal, one that is putting on a constant light show. We know very little about what it does so far, but they are making plans to rectify that. Hey, more we know about these things the better I say. After last time, we don't need anyone else getting stuck with voices in their heads.

Oh, uh, no offense meant, Ms. Zorah. I'm simply saying, limiting the potential for a repeat of that incident arising with anyone else would be preferable. By the way, for anyone interested in hearing some quarian techno-punk rock, stay tuned for later tonight we got some choice hits. Donated to us by our friendly engineering lady in the biosuit. Keep getting better, T-Z.

The Crystal also came with some new arrivals. A few extra Spartans, some Marines and one officer. BBR extends a warm welcome to Vice Admiral Whitcomb of the UNSC! Welcome to our cadre of freaks and misfits, sir. For those wondering about our command structure, it has mostly remained unchanged. Colonel Holland is overseeing operations concerning the UNSC forces. Whitcomb has reportedly stated he is deferring to Holland judgment given his extended rapport with the soldiers aboard our fleet. The Admiral's rank, however, will still be in effect and he will have a say in any and all decisions concerning the fleet's progress going forward.

So basically, Holland is still in charge, but it's a joint command now with Whitcomb involved. Either way, we're still looking for those relics it seems. No one wants the Covies getting them. And hey, depending on what this Crystal can do, maybe they can even turn the tide of the human's war with the bastards. Wouldn't that be fun? So here's to us continuing to help the humans help themselves by helping us. It's a profitable return no matter how to slice it. Whitcomb himself had an audio message he sent across the intercom earlier. Let's have a brief listen to an excerpt from it.

 _Fighting men and women of the UNSC, this is Vice Admiral Whitcomb. I am speaking to you today as a fellow survivor of Reach and a soldier for humanity. I have heard of what you have suffered, what you have endured and I wish to make one thing very clear. You are making Earth, nay, the entire human race proud. Your actions have shown that not only can the Covenant be beaten, but we can turn their own forces against them. I cannot speak for how everyone feels about this strange bedfellows situation, but I for one take pride in your ability to conquer adversity and triumph in the face of overwhelming odds. More importantly, this alliance has yielded us a chance to win this war._

 _Now, I can't be certain about anything these relics of power can do or about this fancy sword I've heard about. I do know this, being down on Reach for so long, watching the Covenant dig for buried treasure like they have, I am resolved to ensure the bastards never get their greasy claws on any of their trinkets. In this regard, I have pledged my full support behind this fleet's mission and its long term goals. To foil the Covenants plans for these potential weapons, to sabotage their efforts against humanity and to inevitably return to Earth with the means to end their aggression against our people and for all. I will not falter in this regard, nor will I waver in my resolve. The UNSC will triumph and we will make sure that Reach is the last planet the enemy ever glasses!_

Whitcomb went on the praise the actions of the Spartans, the _Normandy_ crew and Holland himself in steering this mismatched fleet. Oh and he quickly added a point of gratitude to us kig-yar for assisting them in striking a blow to the Covenant on Halo as well. Hey, a little praise goes a long way. Here's to a long and happy relationship with our new business partner.

And now for a music break, we've been bereft of rock for long enough already. Here's a full block of songs coming right at you all. Stay locked to BBR! I mean... not like you have a choice of stations, but still... it would be appreciated.

 **BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, where all the hits of the centuries gone by are sent screaming right into the modern age! So batten down the hatches and get ready for a full broadside of rock! It's all coming your way, right now!**

 **(Sham Pain by Five Finger Death Punch)**

 **(The Devil You Know by Anthrax)**

 **(The Good Life by Three Days Grace)**

 **(Lightning Strikes Again by Dokken)**

Hey it's Boz the Buzzard coming at you from aboard the _Fallen Serpent_! I come baring another gift from our Shipmaster, as Zek had another vid he watched he wants to talk about. So here's his pre-recorded review, have a listen.

 **You know... to be honest, families... families can be a lot of bullshit at times. Like... real bullshit. They're not terrible, but they can really fuck up your life a lot. So, okay, today's vid is called "How to Train your Dragon", I figured it would be a nice little dumb kids films like that baby lizards thing I saw a while back. You know, the one with the horned lizard and the long necked lizard who needed to hate fuck when they got older? So I figured this one would be like that, but turns out... it hit pretty close to home.**

 **So there's a whole society of these humans and they're like badasses and shit. They're like warriors but they have to be, cause like, their island is under siege constantly from these dragons. Like they breath fire and eat livestock. So everyone has to be a badass to fight them off. Except there's like this one skinny loser kid who's more brainy than brawny and he prefers to be smarter than everyone. I... I like that kid. He's cool. And he just... he just wants his dad to like him and shit. Why? I don't know. I guess... I guess that's a thing with humans. They... they gotta make their daddies proud or whatever.**

 **So he tries to, you know, take down one of these super badass super stealth dragons called a Night Fury. Cause if he does everyone is gonna like wanna hop on his dick or something. I mean, he says he might get a girlfriend so... so there. It sorta works, he clips the thing. But his dad thinks he lied or some bullshit and like humiliates his ass in front of the whole village by saying he needs to be more muscle than brain... cause he's a fucking douche. (Hiccup) So the kid like finds the dragon he shot down, but he can't kill it because, well, you know, where's the sport in gutting something in a net? Like there's none... there's none sport to that.**

 **So he lets him go, but his dad has decided to give him a chance to be a dragon slayer, even though he doesn't want to kill them anymore. He's not really good at it to begin with and all the other classmates make fun of him, but heeee's decided he's gonna fiiiind the dragon and figure out why it didn't (Hiccup) kill him ya know. Cause Dragons are supposed to maul you when they get the chance and this one just ran off and shit.**

 **So he finds him in like this crater and shit and apparently the poor thing lost part of its tail and can't fly so now the kid has to (Hiccup) he's gotta (Hiccup) he needs to get him to fly again and shit. So he likes uses his bra..(Hiccup)..in to do it. He makes this aweeeeesssssome harness and shit that helps the dragon to fly and they like soar through the air and it's cool and breezy and super sweet. And like now the kid has to convince the other people that like... their whole life is a lie, the dragons aren't evil and that... well, that they need to stop killing them and live in peace and shit. Oh and maybe get the girl in the process cause what's more attractive than riding giant fucking monster around. Fucccking meeeetallll! (Hiccup)**

 **The biggest obstacle of course is the fucking father cause he's a fucking dick. Like most fathers probably are. He just wants to like kill the fucking things because he doesn't get how fucking stupid his stupid fucking war is and he wants to be a fucking hero cause he's a fucking idiot. But... but, hey! At least he's around, you know? At least he's fucking there to be a shitty father. At least he seems to care about the missing mother and his son and everyone else around him. At least he doesn't take off and fucking leave them to squalor cause he's a fucking dipshit moron. So hey, he's a better dad than most. He's not a fucking deadbeat piece of shit like you DAD! You fucking... asshole with your unggoy shit rebel... garrrrbage. (Hiccup) Like, why does everyone think you're so fucking great? I took on a whole Covenant armada and survived with only ONE ship? The fuck happened to you? You fucking died! Like a... like a... dumb methane breathing... dumbfuck. Shithead dumb idiot.**

 **Who the fuck cares about Dread Feather now, huh? Who fucking cares? I'm the one with the bounty. I'm the one people fucking fear now. Him? The fuck did he ever do but get himself killed like a fucking dumbass. Oh, Pirate Revolution, new Golden Age, fuck you! I'm gonna accomplish that without your shitty call to fucking arms show of inept force douchebaggery. I'm... I'm the better fucking pirate, not you! Fuck you, Dread Feather, you were never worth a shit!**

 **Wh-where was I? Oh yeah, so like How to train your Dragon is like good and shit. Watch it, enoy some things being set on fire and exploding and a father getting schooled by his smarter, more capable and more badass kid in the end. Cause fuck yeah, that's how it's gonna be bitches!**

Uh, okay... Um, Retz if you're listening, I hope our dear Captain is in his quarters now sleeping... that off. Get some rest Shipmaster. You'll feel... marginally better in the morning I think. Maybe. Yeesh. Anyway lets here another song. This is... Butcher Babies? Well that's provocative. Oh but their song is indicative of a lesson that Zhoc and his cronies need to learn. They want us kig-yar to be slaves to the Covenant? Well fuck that noise! We're Never Going Back!

 **(Never Go Back by Butcher Babies)**

Boz the Buzzard here and we have a call folks. Line one, you are squawking with Boz.

 _You know buzzard is pretty appropriate considering you stole my songs._

Oh hello, Joker. Still upset?

 _I'm disappointed, actually. Considering that THIS is the best you can do with my huge catalog of music. Seriously, how limited in your range are you?_

Excuse me?

 _I'm not just a metal head or classic rocker. I have dialectic tastes. Divergent interests. The most you ever seem to do in terms of variety is you play a sea shanty you haphazardly recorded on the fly._

We are a ROCK station, Joker. Emphasis on the R word. I mean, what do you want me to do? Start playing lullabies? Maybe elevator Muzak? Generic Techno Synth and Pop? I'm doing quarian music later, isn't that enough?

 _You could be trying to expand your horizons a little more than that. There are loads of old songs on my music list you haven't even bothered touching. No doubt cause you're scared you couldn't make them entertaining to your fellow pirates._

That's total guano, I can make anything entertaining! I'm Boz the Buzzard!

 _Then prove it, find a way to incorporate the least likely songs that a bunch of soldiers and pirates would be into and run it for a full broadcast day. Make up a theme or something, I don't know. Hell, you get enough people to even request some songs that aren't classified as hard rock or heavy metal, to go along with the idea, I'll even applaud you._

Alright, Mr. Moreau, challenge accepted. Tomorrow, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio will diverge from it's usual metal thrashing sounds of rock awesome to bring you something unexpected. A full day of just the most out there music you would never suspect to be heard on this station. I'll even come up with a clever theme for it all that justifies its existence. And when I do, I'll be expecting you to eat your words, Joker. I'll even bet you a bottle of my best Ichor.

 _Like I want your damn whale gunk. If you pull this off, I'll... I don't know. Give you access to my... private server. The one I didn't have on the_ Normandy's _computer. I got a ton more... personal stuff there. And if you can't... I get a day playing DJ._

HA! You're on, Moreau! I'm gonna prove once and for all who's the ultimate music junkie! Just you wait and see!

* * *

Mordin's Analysis:

Joker's gamble aside, broadcast today fairly typical. Interesting developments, however. Kig-yar and ODSTs appearing to be growing closer. Mutual hatred of Insurrectionists created a semi-cohesive bond between two groups. Sociological situation self-evident. A greater threat, or more hated threat, supercedes all others. Discomfort for Jackals irrelevant when faced with traitors to humanity.

Kig-yar defiance in face of plan of Snarlbeak promising. Refusal to return to Covenant, even in promised position of power. Did not expect. Felt more would find plan appealing. Scars the Covenant have left no doubt deeper than thought. As is the prospect of being slaves to any form of law or order. Knowledge of the truth of Covenant religion no doubt plays role. Less likely to join or reintegrate into system that is detrimental to well-being. Specifically belief system that will lead to subsequent death of galaxy if carried to fruition. Doomsday cult and suicide pact not profitable prospects for pirates.

Unlikely Snarlbeak is aware. Just as unlikely would care if he did know. Ambition is more than clear. Desire for revenge overriding all other concerns. Would possibly seek to usurp leadership of Covenant altogether. Would assume Astral Cutlass all that is required to rule. Dangerous character, whether or not plan succeeds. STG would no doubt authorize assassination. Suspect ONI would too.

Concern for Zek's mental stability. Clearly using alcohol to cope with truth about father. Hates him. Does not like being compared. Despises any similarity. Possible self-loathing. Entire identity built around being better than him. Not committing same mistakes. Recommend deft hand in situation. Allow Varvok and Retz to manage. Confident neither wants him in such a state. Best to let them get him back on his feet.

* * *

Official Statement:

I too have concerns over Zek's emotional state. In so far that he could become a liability. Varvok assures me he is going to speak to him in due time. Not that I doubt his ability, but I fear it may only be a stop gap to keep him from being a complete mental wreck for the time being. The thing is, the last thing we need right now is for Zek's personality flaws and weaknesses to become more prominent. The more he slips, the more likely his crew is to think he needs to be replaced. Retz may claim he'll never let that happen, being his friend and all, but that doesn't mean someone else won't try. And as much as I don't like him, Zek is at least easier to predict than other kig-yar at this point. I'd rather we have a Jackal we know leading them than some upstart with possibly less UNSC friendly ideas.

All the same, I think my joint mission between the Pirates and ODSTs went rather well. They successfully recovered the intelligence from the station and uncovered the truth behind Snarlbeak's plans. Highlighting a dangerous threat we need to eliminate. Even if Zhoc's plan is overly ambitious, and the Covenant leadership never goes for it, if his actions somehow end up providing them with any of these relics it could be disastrous. He must be stopped or neutralized in some capacity before we're dealing with an even more technologically stronger Covenant force.

The appearance of the Insurrectionist Escaped Prisoners on the station was most... disconcerting. I was well aware of the existence of a number of ONI black-site prisons on Reach. They were designed to hold the worst, the most radical of any Insurrectionist Cell. I pulled up a file on Dagen, the terrorist leader Zek gutted to the pleasure of many an ODST. He was a truly dangerous individual. Several attacks on Marine Outposts critical to the war effort against the Covenant. The stealing of confiscated Covenant weaponry. And, as typical of people like him, a number of vicious attacks against civilian soft targets. Including a crowded transit hub, over six hundred casualties. Why we didn't just kill this monster I have no idea, I suspect ONI was trying to extract further information out of him in some fashion. As much as it pains me to admit it, part of me wants to put a medal on Zek for ending this madman. His complete escape from Reach would've been disastrous. Hopefully, this is the last time we'll ever encounter these traitors. We have enough problems to deal with now.

On a happier note, I'm glad to see our faith in Captain McKay has been rewarded. Especially now that the promotion has been officiated and confirmed by Admiral Whitcomb. I can already see the effect it is having on the ODSTs. More and more, former mutineers are becoming the minority in terms of outspoken insubordination. They're still loyal to Silva's ideals, but McKay is taking charge and more of the Troopers are siding with her, unafraid of being named outcasts in the group by voicing their support openly. This can only lead to good things for all parties involved. According to McKay, even the Jackals have a begrudging respect for her. Again, good to know. It will be useful in integrating our forces in the future.

As for the recovered Relic, I recently received a report from Tali'Zorah. She and the Engineers, or Huragok, have begun devising a way to better investigate the Crystal and its connection to the Amplifier. They are constructing some kind of conduit. I am eager to hear of the results of the forthcoming experiment.

Signed,

-Lieutenant Elias Haverson

Office of Naval Intelligence


	9. Request Replay

**Excerpt 8: Request Replay**

 **(If I Could Save Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce)**

You are listening to BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio and an all broadcast day of requests! I am Boz the Buzzard and in case you're just joining us, a refresher. Joker Moreau, of the _Normandy_ dared me to do a whole day of songs that were not, shall we say, strictly hard rock or heavy metal. And that's what I've been doing, we've taking requests from across the Alliance Flotilla, substituted with the help of a handy dandy list of potential songs that fit Joker's requirements. I then left it up to the fans to choose what songs they wanted to play, because I figured if I had to rise to Mr. Moreau's challenge, why not involve all of you? I call it, "Ironic Songs to Play during Firefights Day!" And I feel it has been a success. So let us continue our day of song diversity with yet another request. Caller, you are on.

 _Hi, Army Corporal Ann Sanders here, I'd like to make a special request. Save the Last Dance for Me, by The Drifters. It played at my senior prom, literally a week before I shipped out for boot. Feels like a lifetime ago honestly._

Who am I to stand in the way of nostalgia? That's what this station is all about! Its life blood! Ladies and gentlebirds, for Corporal Ann Sanders, The Drifters with "Save the Last Dance For Me!"

 **(Save the Last Dance for Me by The Drifters)**

 **Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, music for only the rowdiest of crews. Here's another request, coming in off the port bow!**

 _This is Private Ruckerson, I think the most ironic song you can play during a firefight is this one called "Happy Together" by the Turtles. Think you can play it?_

 **Here's a full broadside request fill blast! Right now! (Plasma Cannon Sound Effect) Only on BBR!**

 **(Happy Together by the Turtles)**

I like to think we're all fairly happy together here. Anyway, a brief bit of news has just come in. Apparently there is going to be an experiment conducted on the Relic soon. There is no cause for alarm, but somehow they're expecting some weird things to happen as a result of it. The cargo hold of the _Normandy_ is off limits until further notice as a result. Well, I say let the egg heads do their thing, it won't stop us from having fun. Now here is another request that came in over the wire during that last song. Apparently, some of you are trying to one up each other in how ironic your song would sound during a firefight. I didn't realize this bet would turn into a competition among yourselves, but who am I to judge? So long as you're all listening. This is "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by the Beach Boys on BBR!

 **(Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys)**

Let's not stop this party, mates, we got another request coming in on the wire! You're on, caller!

 _Marine Sergeant Delaney, If you wouldn't mind, I think Take On Me would be something funny to put on in a firefight. It's kinda daring the enemy to attack you while being pretty inviting about it. Like, you're taking the meaning of what the song is supposed to be about and turning it on its head._

Sounds badass enough to me, okay, Take On Me by Aha, cued up and ready to go, take a listen, mates!

 **(Take On Me by A-ha)**

Alright a few of my fellow kig-yar have joined in on the fun for this hour. Apparently they found some pretty decent songs they wouldn't mind hearing themselves. Zuz, working hangar detail for today, this one's for you!

 **(All Out of Love by Air Supply)**

We'll get back to more of those requests soon, but we have some more business to take care of first. I mean, I have other duties on this tub besides making music for you all. So, a few announcements then.

 **(Boatswain Soundeffect)**

Alright, so first up is a special message to the lower decks aboard the _Serpent_. Repairs from our previous firefight with Snarlbeak's little task force are going well. Please, do be careful around our more sensitive equipment down there. We don't want any potential accidents down there.

Now, the unggoy aboard, as I understand, have been feeling a little restless. Special announcement for them, break privileges have been expanded. That's right, you little gas suckers, you get some more time off here and there to recharge your batteries and what not. We'll have more regularly scheduled shift changes and the like, this should make things easier for you. Best thank Zek for this, he's being awfully generous with you all.

Next item, we are currently testing a new Ichor concoction from our Chorka pals. If you're off shift during the later hours tonight, you are welcome to take some samples. We are hopeful at least one of them is going to stick.

Some further words of warning on that experiment I mentioned earlier. Apparently we can expect possible power shortages, maybe some slight hiccups in a few systems, maybe the artificial gravity cuts out in some areas, they're not... not entirely sure really. I'm uh... I'm sure it's nothing too serious though. I mean, we got some pretty smart people working in this little fleet. What's there to worry about.

That's all for official news right now. Let's get to another one of our requests, this is one about a place some of us hope to visit should we ever get to Earth. I guess I should say when, because I don't want to jinx that, but whatever. This is "Africa" by Toto, only on BBR's Ironic Firefight Songs Request Day!

 **(Africa by Toto)**

Alright everyone it time for one of those ever importan parts of any broadcast day. That's right, allowing me to go on about something I feel the need to yap on about and then seeing how you all feel about it. We are now halfway through our treasure hunt. Two for four relics, that's a pretty good score if I do say so. But obviously, we're not out of the woods and we're facing some steep opposition. And we still don't know what the relic does. Which makes me a little concerned about every one we bring on board right now, given my own experience, but I haven't noticed anything go wrong yet with this latest one.

Thing is, we're dealing with Forerunner tech here. Tech that is potentially connected to a dangerous weapon. Now, whether or not you believe in the Astral Cutlass is irrelevant right now. We don't really know what we're dealing with there ultimately, it could be literally anything. The relics are a bit more known to us. And we've see what they're capable of. Well, we've seen at least one's capabilities. Unless someone else knows what that Crystal thing does is anything. Oh uh, I see we have a call. Um hello.

 _We do know, please do not jinx us right now._

Taq? What are you-

 _Look, this is a long story and I do not have time to explain. Too many preparations and possibly a lot at stake. All you need to know is we are dealing with a fairly sensitive if not dangerous group of artifacts that need the utmost care when dealing with them. By the way, if you see anything weird in the next hour or so, don't worry it won't be a problem for much longer. One way or the other._

I... I don't understand.

 _Trust me, it would make your brain hurt if I told you. That's not insult to your intelligence, half of this shit right now is making my brain hurt. Wish us luck._

Luck on what, hello? Um... uh, okay that was unnerving. I'm pretty sure it's nothing, like seriously, nothing at all. So, let's go to our next request shall we? Oh here's a special request, made anonymously, let's take a listen.

 **(If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher)**

Well that was a nice song and- oh we have a call. Hello, you're on the air?

 _Who the fuck requested that? Is this fucking funny to you? Are you fucking having a laugh!? Seriously, the fuck!?_

Oh my Ocean, it's Shipmaster Zek! Sir, so nice to have you on the program. How are you-

 _Who the hell made that request, Boz? Who is being fucking cheeky?_

I... I'm not sure why... what do you mean, sir? I was just playing a request-

 _Look, I get it, you're just the messenger, but you have no idea the kind of day... days... whatever, all I know is that this is some bullshit! That stupid bottle song was one thing, but now I know someone is fucking with us!_

Zek, I have literally no idea what you're talking about, sir. I'm just playing songs here.

 _I wanna know who made that fucking request, Boz! It was Haverson, wasn't it? He's enjoying this the fucking prick, I just know it!_

I have not recieved a single call from Lieutenant Haverson since this show began airing. I'm not even sure if he's a fan of the music we play here.

 _I don't care, someone is fucking with me and I demand to know... Grunt, back off. You know this is bullshit! ... Yes I'm aware we have to get ready but seriously, you're listening to the same-... How do you know? Did you listen to the whole six hour broadcast? ... Oh, you did. Fuck. Just fuck this._

I am... I am at loss folks. This is a very rare moment of speechlessness. Uh, Sir, since I have you, mind addressing the troops a bit?

 _I'll explain this shit later, right now, everyone get ready to hold onto their asses. And Boz, play something that isn't... well just, I don't know, play whatever! I need to get ready, bye._

Bye, sir. Well uh, I guess we'll just move on now. Here's "Down Under" by Men at Work. Yeesh, what is with everyone today?

 **(Down Under by Men at Work)**

Alright folks I think it's time, especially after that last call, to have another Zek Reviews segment. I'm sure that will make our Shipmaster more than a little happy to... oh um, one moment. I've just been informed Zek sent a replacement track to the segment we were originally going to air. And it's not a movie but an entire series. Strange, I didn't think he'd have time something like this. Oh well, he is the Shipmaster, his ship, which he is the master of. Let's press ahead.

 **The only real solace I'm getting right now is the fact I've recorded this one over and over enough at this point that it is now second nature. Perhaps even my general thoughts have coalesced into a freakishly direct point of opinion at this rate. So here we go, as best as I can and as fast as I can because I have to go soon and fix some major science bat shit. Long story, you'll probably learn about it all later. Here's my thoughts on animated series, Black Lagoon.**

 **This is the story of a loser named Rock who ends up getting kidnapped by some badass pirates who are in general better at everything than he is. Rock's a loser working for a bunch of assholes. Said assholes decide he's a liability and basically decide that it's okay if he dies, so long as they get back the stuff they sent him off to the South Pacific with. That's an ocean on Earth by the way. Apparently, they don't want to really pay ransom to get it back and care even less about him dying in the process of getting their stuff back. Some loyalty, eh?**

 **So what does Rock do? He joins the pirates of course and is now working with them to basically loot and plunder the seas. He still kinda sucks though, because he's not cut out for this work, but he's learning, sorta. Along his journey into the world of piracy he has to face a lot of crazy, murderous and at times quick to anger individuals that comes with the job. He is of course forced to adapt as anyone in this profession must do. Basically it's like any story of any young pirate's rise to greatness. It's just a human is the lead character instead of one of us.**

 **Rock however is just one of the leads and technically he isn't even the real star of the show. That honor goes to a female human, surprising for their species. Not that their females aren't capable, I'm just surprised for once they have a female that's clearly better at her job and even more deadly at it than her male counterpart. Her name is Revy, or Revy "Two Guns", because she always seemed to find a way to use a weapon in each hand. Even if it's a grenade launcher. To be honest, if If could figure out how to use a Concussion Rifle in each hand I would. Those bitches be cumbersome.**

 **Revy does not care about that, in fact she barely cares at all. She is a wild child of the most vicious and murderous streak. Clearly comes from a shit background, molded by crap circumstances and forced to harden herself in an uncaring and unfeeling world. And she has taken to it swimmingly. She is never more happier than when she is killing whole scores of douchebags who think she can't possibly take them all on because she's a female. Stupid fuckers don't live long after that of course. Not to say she doesn't have her softer side, I mean we all do, but she keeps it hidden because that's the smart thing to do.**

 **Oh and she has the biggest sailor's mouth in the history of sailors, human or kig-yar. You will be amazed at all the ways she can find to take a swear word or curse and mold it into a beautiful analogy for their situation or some sick twisted image. Because that's always nice to see, creativity is a lost art in this profession, especially in swear words.**

 **Now, you have probably guessed and guessed right, that a show like this has tons of action. And while not every episode is jam packed with the stuff, there is a ton of it regardless. Lots of explosions, a ton of murder, some of the craziest sequences of carnage you could ever hope to see. Remember that grenade launcher in both hands thing I mentioned? Yeah, Revy does that while jumping from boat to boat to boat and killing everyone in sight. It's fucking hlarious. Also, there's one really good example of why you do not do a monologue in front of your enemy during a standoff. I love how a lot of these human shows and movies are nice instructional guides to our profession, but I digress.**

 **You'll come for the balls to the wall action, but you'll stay to watch how our heroes survive in this shit world they live in. Although it's probably not very apt to call them heroes because they're not that. They specifically try to explain that this isn't the place for heroes. Something I can more than agree with in many cases. Right now though, I mostly feel like some folks expect too much of some people to accomplish some things that are a bit outside their damn aera of expertise... but hey, when you're stuck in a shitty situation and no one else can do shit about it, I guess you just got own the fucking cards you got dealt. Which is what Rock and Revy do a ton in this series as well. Does that make'em heroes, no it makes them survivors and that's what matters at the end of he day I say.**

 **Oh but here I am being cryptic again and you're all probably super fucking confused. Look, let's just stay on topic here. Black Lagoon is a series that most exemplifies the traits of the kig-yar in human form. We're all kinda fucking broken someway. Maybe we fucked up with a previous job or family or... in our love life. Maybe all three really. But what matters is that, even if you're broken, damaged, a fucking freak, you can take it all and make yourself a fucking badass if only you have the guts to stick a fork in life's eye and take it for a fucking ride. And that's what I do. What I do everyday in fact.**

 **Live by the lessons of Revy "Two Guns", mates. Life will always shit on you, no matter how hard you try. So when it does, fucking cap it in the fucking groin and stomp on the wound. Just keep stomping until it starts twitching and gives up the fucking ghost. Make life your fucking, bitch, I say. And that's what I'm going to be doing very soon in fact.**

 **Ugh, damn it, I got off track again. Look, the point is, Black Lagoon is a series all pirates should watch. It's mandatory for anyone who cares about awesome action and a crash course in why piracy exists and why it is true freedom in many respects. And it's even got an important lesson about crewmates and shit. Rock and Revy have some shit going on in their lives, but they do got each other. And because of that they can survive anything, with his unique business savy and her... well... you know, fuck the world attitude with a gun to the fucking head of it. Because the world fucking sucks and the best way you can survive it, is with a trusted crew.**

 **And I trust all of you, I really do. So, I hope to at least make this all right by you. You deserve that much of a chance at least. See you... hopefully. Then we can all watch Black Lagoon together.**

Well that wasn't nearly as drunk sounding, but I'm still a bit weirded out. Sometimes I think our Shipmaster has a bit too much on his mind. Ah well, stresses of the job. I don't know anyone who'd want that burden. I just wanna play music. Sir, I think you're doing a great job and the rest of the lads think so too. Try not to worry so much, whatever funk this is, we'll get over it. We always do. Hell, given everything we've survived, how bad can this problem, whatever it is, be?

Yeah, probably not a good idea to tempt fate there. Let's just move on to our next request. This one is going out to the 4th Marine Squad's leader. I have a feeling I know what his name is, let's take a listen.

 **(Hey Jude by The Beatles)**

Another song by those bug people musicians. Although, I'm assuming they weren't actual bugs. Still, they have good songs. Now then lets get started with another-

(A brief silence occurs as the transmission appears to be interrupted.)

Sorry uh, folks, we went offline there. I'm assuming that whatever experiment is being conducted today is being done now so... (Low rumbling as frequency becomes distorted) What in the (Static) -ats going o-(Static) -oly fucking sh- (Static)Wah, ow! Fuck that hur- (static) Uh technical difficulties folks, um (static) if anyone else is experiencing some strange things going on. Like (static) or maybe you're floating around aimlessly and bashing into bulk-(Static) Oh shit not aga- OOF! (Static and the sound of what we presume is Boz slamming into the ceiling and then the floor) Fucking shit! Uh, playing a song! Going to a song! Next qued request!

 **(Tomorrow from the musical "Annie", but highly distorted in various spots as it speeds up, slows down, repeats lines and plays normally at random intervals)**

(Songs ends, but there is a brief silence before Boz returns)

Is... is it over? Are we alive? The fuck happened? Hey, if anyone is out there, can you... can you explain what the fuck is going on? Please! Please do not tell me I'm the only one left? I do not want to go outside my station right now and find nothing there. I... I seriously can't handle that right now. Like, it's kinda fucking scary to even think about. Is anyone even hearing this? Am I still transmitting? Seriously, hello? Oh thank the ocean, a caller. You're on.

 _I have no idea what the hell that was, only that we got pinwheeled around down here in the carrier's hangar. Then I think I saw a double of myself flip through a portal and then I fell through the floor and flipped through the air and landed on my ass! We're okay though._

Holy shit, that was weird. Oh wait, another call.

 _Okay, everything is fine now, but I was stuck on the ceiling for a bit. Then I ended up in another room and came out to watch myself get sucked into the ceiling. I'm... I'm at loss right now._

You have no idea what sort of loss I'm at myself. Oh, wait, we're getting something over the line. ... Crisis averted, everything back to normal. ... Crisis? What crisis? The fuck is even going on? Can someone in charge explain to me what the fuck happened? Oh, we got a call.

 _This is Doctor Catherine Halsey, I am calling to send a ship wide message to any listening. We had an incident, one that has been affecting this fleet for a while. It is resolved now. To explain simply, we were trapped in a temporal paradox that kept us repeating over and over again. It is resolved and everything has returned to normal. More Details to follow._

Temporal paradox? What in the fuck? Well, always an adventure aboard this fleet of ours. It seems we have been in the middle of another friggin insane weirdo relic thingy and didn't know it. I'm sure details will follow. Right now, another request that came in before everything went to shit. "Everyday" by Buddy Holly.

 **(Everyday by Buddy Holly)**

I'm starting to wonder is these songs weren't all trying to warn us of something. Ah well, whatever. Oh we have another a call. Hey there, have a request?

 _Sort of, this is Grunt, part of Shepard's Krant._

Oh the Krogan, right. I don't think you've called in for a good while. Well what can we do for you today, Grunt?

 _It shouldn't be hard. Very simple really. You know that song "Wake me Up before you Go-Go," by those Wham people?_

Oh yeah, that was one of the first requests actually. Yeah that's a funny song do you want us to play it ag-

 _I want you to never play it ever again. EVER._

Um... what?

 _Never play that song again or I will find you and smash your console to bits._

Uh... okay. But I've only ever played it once so-

 _Blacklist it, I don't care. Never play it again. I swear, I'm not kidding here. I never want to hear that song ever again! EVER! Are we clear on this?_

I... I think so? Maybe?

 _Good, we have an understanding then._

Well, uh, that was intense. I guess some people just really don't certain kinds of music. Oh well, I'm still winning this bet with Joker either way. So let's see what else is on the request chart shall we? So long as it's not anything by Wham. I think it's best if I do not anger the giant reptile who could snap me like a twig. I am... I am not prepared to make that kind of sacrifice for any song really.

* * *

Solus' Notes: Time Loop appears to have negligible affect on all parties. Nothing substantial to report medically. Psyhcologically, concerned for Grunt and Zek. Unsure how experience has effected them in general. Grunt seems most well adjusted. Zek refuses check up. Most stubborn. Advise some form of psychiatric care. Suggest Yeoman Chambers. Fairly adept in field. Very empathetic. Could help. Out of hands otherwise.

Crew that experienced temporal anomalies somewhat shaken, but otherwise unharmed. Although difficult to say how anyone would feel after events. Watching past and future versions of self tumble about in negative gravity. Most distressing. Lucky none interacted with past or future versions directly. Contact possibly disasterous. Or not. Was never adept in quantum mechanics. Prefer observable sciences. Less speculation. Medicine rarely guessing game.

* * *

This entire experience is hard to comment on. I am only aware of the final and latest "loop", as it were. Like Professor Solus, I am no quantum scientist, all I know is that this time loop, caused by the crystal, only further highlights my many concerns. Gathering these artifacts and keeping them out of the hands of the Covenant remains a high priority. If they had this level of technology they could destroy us with even greater ease. We probably wouldn't even know they were doing because we'd likely cease to exist.

This crystal cannot be obtained by the enemy, at any cost. We must consider potential means to mitigate the dangers of its capture. As well as contingencies for what to do if that seems inevitable. There are however, greater concerns.

What Zek could've done during the loops is negligible, as I understand it, anything he did would be erased in the next loop and we would have no memories of it. We cannot exactly trust him to be honest of course and I doubt Grunt was able to keep an eye on him at all times. I'm willing to accept that he was probably revealing his true colors more overtly than usual. It is in his nature to take advantage of these situations after all. But there is little we can do about that.

Beyond that, there is the fact we have still been transported back in time by a number of weeks. I have considered possibilities, all of them greatly dangerous and untestable at the moment. We could travel back to Halo, perhaps warn ourselves of what is going to happen there, but that would possibly create a paradox that could end up killing us all. I am not prepared to risk that. It is likely, in estimation, we have already interfered with the past enough.

If Halsey's theory is correct, and I do not see a reason to doubt her given the backup information Cortana has provided, we passed into the time bubble some time ago. Perhaps even before we got to Reach. If so, that would explain why we were able to find any survivors at all. Given that possibility, we've already risked enough in that aspect. We need to be more careful going forward. Time travel is not exactly a proven field of study and I am not willing to let this fleet act as guinea pig. Not with everything currently at stake.

Furthermore is the disturbing information Shepard and the Master Chief brought back from the future. Assuming it wasn't some kind of trick or illusion, my concerns should be obvious. The Covenant perhaps are in the middle of a massive invasion preparation phase. They have likely found Earth and are working on rebuilding technology to enable them to invade another universe and who knows what else after that. We need to find their staging area and work on locating this transdimensional device. And if we cannot do either, then we must prevent them from achieving any other advantage. Namely, with these relics they are hunting for.

Of course, that is not my only concern. Strange as it may be, we might have a more human threat on our hands.

Shepard has given me full specs on Cerberus. He retained most of them until now as he didn't feel they would be a threat so soon. A fair assumption, I believed he would share more when the time was right, it seems that time is now. Cerberus, despite claiming to be defenders of Humanity, are perverters of it. They will go to any disgustingly horrendous lengths to achieve these goals, even if it means harming other humans in the process. While some at ONI would probably marvel at their abilities to stay financed and sufficiently covered despite their opposition to their universes' Earth's government, I do not. They are clearly a danger and far more cunning than most Insurrectionists would dare be.

The idea of them infiltrating this universe and, somehow, actually flying around in the current sector of space we're stuck in, perhaps listening in on our communications, is a concern. The idea that they intercepted my attempted transmissions to home? Worse. We need to be on the look out for these insurgents from another dimension. We cannot allow these relics to fall into the hands of radical terrorists with little regard for anyone's livlihood but their own. I shudder to think how many there are and what else they know about our fleet, if anything at all.

The list of potential threats on this mission is growing, as well as the unknown variables each comes with. Pirates, Covenant, terrorist cells, no one should have this many fronts to deal with in any combat situation. A veritable free for all of dangerous enemy forces. We need to remain vigilant and get this mission done as soon as possible. We cannot risk these Relics being used by anyone who could seek to harm this or any other reality.

Regards,

Lieutenant Elias Haverson,

Office of Naval Intelligence

* * *

AN: Well, Happy Thanksgiving to my American, Readers. I promised I'd get BBR up and running soon and here it is. I hope you enjoy seeing the last crop of chapters from the perspective of Boz and the average schmucks who have to deal with this craziness. Expect the next update on BBR to be awhile as the next story arc is a bit of a long one. See you there.


End file.
